Follow-Up to ... Entitlement vs. Appreciation

(Read post below ... first ... if you haven't yet.)




Great comments ... thoughts ... ideas !!! Thanks ... and keep them coming. I'm appreciating the dialogue.

Barbara said, "I wonder if it is somehow tied to them not having had the opportunity to give sacrificially to someone else yet? To know what it means to put a lot of yourself into a gift and appreciate that someone else has done that for them?"

Great thought! We will definitely provide opportunities for that. They all went to a birthday party and I should have / could have had them make presents, rather than me going to the store to purchase presents. Hmmm ...

dkt said, "If they were "entitled" to a change of circumstance (their adoption and rescue out of poverty) ... why aren't they entitled to great material wealth? With no heart change, greed is a logical conclusion."

So right. Powerful comments.

dkt also said, "it is possible to train your adoptive children to glorify God by denying themselves, just like you did your bio chidren a long time ago (probably when they were two years old and wanting everything in sight!)."

Sooo ... true. MUCH of the parenting that is taking place is the training that we did with our bio. children at ages 2 & 3. In many ways, it truly has been like we were handed 3 year old triplets, rather than 3 children ages 6, 9, 12. Surprising? Yes. Tough? Yes. But ... we are all working and growing through each situation.

Michelle said, " ... garage sales ... teach her to be careful with the money that we are stewards of ..."

Love it!

Kate said, "In many orphanages, there is no personal property and no personal responsibility. When you are not responsible for anything, when nothing matters to you, you do not learn how to care for things. Meals, clean clothes, and donations arrive on schedule. The children rarely see the work that goes into these events."

Absolutely. This is definitely something that we were quickly aware of. The children did not "own" their own clothing at the orphanage. (We had to take clothing for them to change into when we arrived at the orphanage. We had to take all of the clothing for them to wear while we were in Ghana with them.) Thus, they were not responsible for it. So, they had no understanding of the huge financial output that we had made to purchase full wardrobes for all 3 of them. And, they had no concept of taking care of the things that had been purchased for them. As Kate said ... new donations would arrive when clothes got ripped or torn or soiled beyond decent. I'm sure that they just assume that their "wealthy American parents" can just replace anything that needs replacing.

I was also very interested by all of the personal stories of meeting people from other countries ...

Jim met the man from Kenya ... who said that he was surprised that Americans had to work. He thought America was MTV.

Ericka has the neighbors from India ... who were shocked at how hard American mothers have to work.

Kate tells of the Russian orphans ... who believe they are entitled to special privileges, because of their orphan status.

Again ... we so appreciate the dialogue. We are NOT in despair over the situation ... just wanting tips on how to walk through it.

Yes ... the children are doing chores with all of their brothers and sisters. And, we tell them how much it is appreciated.

Yes ... the children have learned (some of the time) to say, "Thank you." ... but the heart attitude is just not there yet.

I will continue to do my shopping by myself. (We live 25 minutes from "the big city", so going to Wal-Mart, Costco, and the mall are not daily or weekly events for us anyway.) Mama likes shopping to be her "quiet time", so the other kids don't go shopping with her all the time, either.

We will continue to seek wisdom from the Lord (and from all of you) ... as we train up our children in the way they should go.

We will continue to train ... to teach ... to encourage ... to appreciate ... ALL of the blessings that the Lord has filled our home with.

Thanks for your love and support as we walk this new journey.

Entitlement vs. Appreciation

We have been very surprised by one aspect of this adoption transition, so I have a couple questions for those of you who have adopted. (I'd love to get some feedback on this one, if you have any comments to share.)

#1 Have your adopted children struggled with an entitlement focus?
#2 If so, what have you done to encourage an appreciation focus?


Some close friends of ours had a foster/adopt child placed in their home last summer. A few months later the mom and I discussed some of the child's struggles and whether or not we felt these would be issues with the children we were adopting. One primary issue of concern was the general sense of entitlement: "I need." "I want." "I deserve." I could easily see how a child in the U.S. foster care system could get that focus, when they see everything that their peers have, yet they go from house to house with a grocery sack filled with their few precious belongings. However, I really didn't believe that this would be an issue with our children coming from Africa. Since they did not have much of anything to call their own, and since their culture in general did not have much in the form of material possessions, I really thought that the children would be appreciative of what they would have when they arrived in America.

However ... we did have a few clues that this might not be the case.

In December, we received an email from Jacob. In that email, he said, "When I get to America, I will have ... my own computer, my own cell phone, toys that talk, etc...." Oh my?! Not at our house, he won't.

Then, when we were in Accra, we were driving down the street in a Taxi, when the children started a conversation about, "Next Christmas, in America, we will get ..... " Oh dear. Presents are NOT the focus at our house on Christmas.

Then, Jacob and Jim celebrated their birthdays the week before coming home. Jim reported to me that Jacob had a very bad attitude on his birthday, even after Jim had prepared Jacob's special request for dinner, and the girls had made birthday cards for him .... but, this was not special enough. He was upset about not getting a bunch of presents. Again, this is NOT the focus at our house. We knew that issues were headed our way once the children arrived home.

We have taken the advice of adoptive families that have gone before us ... in the children's 6 weeks home, they have NOT yet experienced: the mall, Wal-Mart, Costco, etc... Actually, the only store they have been to has been Safeway, the local grocery store. So, we have purposely kept them away from the aisles and aisles of temptations that would bring the "I want" focus.

We have also, purposely, not bought each of them their own bike and bike helmet ... we have told all of the children that they need to learn to share the bikes and helmets that are available. (Which they have done fairly well.)

But ... appreciation we have NOT seen. For our bio. children, going to a nice restaurant is a treat, stopping for fast food is a treat, getting ice cream for dessert is a treat, etc... For our new children ... nothing seems to be a treat. Several of our bio. children made beautiful quilts for the new children ... but no signs of appreciation were evident when they were given and received. (Obviously, very discouraging for the siblings who had worked so hard on them.) I have already made a 70+ page scrapbook of our Africa trip (with plans to make 3 smaller ones for the children). All of our friends comment, "Oh, this must mean so much to the children." "Well ... no." I don't even want to spend the time or energy, now, on the books for the children, because I don't believe they will be appreciated or taken care of.

Yes, lack of appreciation also tends to bring a lack of desire to take care of the things that the children do have. We must explain over and over the difference between "play clothes" and "church clothes", because the children will go play in the dirt with their nicest clothes on, and have no concern about the stains or rips. Again, something we have just never dealt with before.

Why do we think this is happening? We have to wonder ... the children at the orphanage spent MUCH time watching Disney movies. We believe that this could have significantly influenced the children to believe, "THIS is life in America". So, we are very curious if this attitude is still prevalent amongst children from other orphanages that did not have the benefit of daily movies. Or, children who came almost directly from their villages, without viewing "life in America" from the Hollywood perspective.

We'd LOVE to hear your thoughts/ideas in this area. We are a bit stumped by the matter ...

Thanks!

Run Josh Run

Hosanna and Mama took a 2 day mother/daughter trip to Chehalis (4 hours each way) to be cheerleaders for Josh at his track meet.

Here is Josh running the 1600m (1 mile) in 4:44 (4 minutes 44 seconds). Wow! It was FREEZING cold (literally), thus the wearing of gloves while running (not part of the regular attire during track season in Western Washington). It snowed on and off during the 2 day meet, and made a record for the latest recorded snow in Western Washington. In the weather history of our great state, the lowlands of "the Coast" have NEVER before seen snow on April 18th or 19th. And, it wasn't just a "trace of snow"; when we awoke yesterday morning, it had snowed 2 inches over the night.



Here he is again ... this time running the 4 X 400m relay.



Despite the COLD ... much fun was had by all. We took a large thermos of hot chocolate to the meet, to share with Josh and his friends. Much appreciated!

Hosanna and I had a much needed and fun mother/daughter time. Within the course of 2 weeks, Hosanna "lost" 2 big sisters and gained 3 little siblings. So, she suddenly became the only at-home big sister to 5 little siblings. She has stepped into the role in an AMAZING way, but I knew she would enjoy some time away to relax and play (which she did). We spent Friday night with close friends that live just 15 min. from the track meet. Then, on the way home, we stopped along the way and visited other dear friends for dinner. We arrived home at 11:30 p.m. last night, tired but relaxed.

The Tough Stuff

The question is raised almost daily, and often several times in a day ...

"How are you? How are things going with the kids?"

Our typical response, "Challenging, but good. We see weekly progress."

While I would certainly not want this blog to become a place where I air my family's "dirty laundry"; I also do not want it to become a sugar-coated story time, either So, how do we find a balance?

Adoption is a GOOD THING. God has called us to bring these children into our home. The children are beautiful, nice, sweet, ... "charmers" as one friend said today when he met them.

At the same time ...

Adoption is a challenge. Parenting is a challenge. Blending 2 families is a challenge (we brought 3 siblings into a group of 10 siblings). We created 3 sets of "Virtual Twins" (the new term that I stole off a blog I just found).

But ... sometimes you feel as if everyone else's adoption is going so well, that you are embarrassed to actually admit that it is a challenge. One mom recently shared with me, "I didn't tell you ... but our first 2 months were ______" Oh how I wish she had shared ... it would not have scared me off from our process, it would have given us an opportunity to pray for and with this family.

Luckily, we do have very close friends who have gone before us in this journey. We have walked their walk with them. We have prayed with them and for them. So, our eyes were open before we even started the process, that life was not going to be one big party.

I have been following another large family's blog for some time, and the dad just wrote a post on the "Tough Stuff". Not only did he share a snippet of their own family's tough stuff, but he asked people to please share, honestly, their comments. What he found ... adoptive parents were so glad to have an opportunity to really share what they were walking through. Within just a couple of days, his post had 30 comments. I am sharing a link to his post, here, for those of you who want to read what other families have walked through. If you are just starting the adoption process, don't let this produce a spirit of fear ... but, rather, let this be something that helps you to walk your journey with your eyes wide open.

Now ... after reading all 30 comments ... I came away feeling pretty darn good about our transition. While we have had our challenges, we have not faced some of the REALLY tough stuff that is out there (yet?). If, however, our journey gets even more difficult (we pray it won't) ... we know that God himself has ordained this journey for our family; He will walk us through it; and He will grow each of us because of it.

Read on ....

http://welovebigfamilies.blogspot.com ... and scroll down to April 10th. (Sorry, my "insert link" didn't work.)

The Swing at Christian Renewal Center in Oregon

Impacting Lives of the Next Generation

I am continually amazed to find out who all has discovered this blog, and I am humbled by the comments that are shared.

Ten to fifteen years ago, Jim and I spent a couple of years volunteering as youth leaders at our church (back when we had 8 kids under 12). We thoroughly enjoyed the relationships that we built with the teens. We fondly remember the many spontaneous worship nights that were held in our living room. The teens all had midnight curfews, and the house would start emptying out at 11:45, by the ones who lived the furthest. There were a couple of families who lived very close, though, so their kids would hang with us until 11:57, giving them just enough time to slide into their driveways when the clock struck 12:00.

Several of the young men worked with Jim in the summer, painting houses. Many of the young men and young ladies babysat our children. We'll never forget when one of the guys was coming to babysit for the first time and he had his mother demonstrate how to change a diaper, by using a napkin on a teddy bear. He didn't have to use those skills, though, as he was smart enough to ask Cassie if she knew how to change her little brother's diaper.

Eight years ago, we moved away from the town that we called home ... leaving behind the many great relationships with the teens. We did keep in touch, though, and have returned for several weddings in the past few years. It's always been fun to find out what the "kids" are doing now.

While we hoped and prayed that we were setting a good example for the teens, we had no idea how greatly we were impacting their lives. In the past few months, through this new world of blogging, we have begun to find out the impact that we have had.

First, one of the teens discovered my daughter Cassie's blog. They began emailing, and Krista shared with Cassie how much I had meant to her. She even referred back to a trip to Portland we had taken with the teens, and how much it meant to her when I stayed up all night talking to the girls in our hotel room. I clearly remember that night. The girls shared so openly with me about life, boys, school, friends. Sadly, they also told me that they did not share so openly with their own mothers. I told them that I hoped that my daughters would share with me when they became teens. The girls assured me that they saw a huge difference in the relationship I already had with Cassie (11), than what they had ever had with their moms. It gave me hope for the teen years with my own kids, but it also made me sad that so many Christian teens did not have close relationships with their Christian parents.

In the past month or so, quite a few of the teens have discovered this blog, and have begun to write comments to us. They, seriously, have brought tears to my eyes.

Jason recently shared,

"Every large family I know is happier, more stable, and has more mature children than those with smaller families.

I remember going over to your house once and helping out for a day. When it was time to do chores each of your kids immediately went to their stations and began their duties like a well oiled machine - and they all had smiles on their faces. I was utterly amazed and maybe a little embarrassed that your kids (who were 12 and under) had a few virtues that I lacked myself.

I knew at that time that you guys were doing something right (and different from what everyone else was doing). Now we see the fruit of it.

Thank you for your vision and example - showing parents like me what a blessing children can be when you focus on the things that really matter."


And, his brother Nathan wrote:

I've been following your journey for the last several months. Just wanted to say thank you for the influence your family had on my life growing up. Just watching your family casually growing up is one of the reasons my wife and I decided to homeschool our children.

Wow! I am NOT sharing these stories, in any way, to brag or to be prideful. I am sharing these stories to encourage each of you to be aware that people are watching. You are setting an example, whether it be a good one or a bad one.

For the many large families or homeschooling families or adoptive families that read this blog ... keep up the good work. While much of the world does not understand the calling that God has placed on our lives ... there are many in the next generation that are watching, and wondering, "What do I want my family to look like? What is God's calling for me and my family?"

And, for all of you young people that read this blog ... step out ... be bold ... don't be afraid to be different ... seek God's plan for your family, not the world's plan.

And, while the teens were watching us, so many years ago, they too were being watched. They did not know that we were discussing their teen lives with our pre-teens. We were asking our pre-teens what type of teenagers they desired to be. We were pointing out the teens that were passionate for the Lord ... the teens that were making right choices ... the teens that were setting good examples for our up-and-coming teens. We were also pointing out the ones making poor choices ... the ones we hoped our children would not follow on their path through the teen years. So, while we did not know the impact that we were having on their lives, they too had no idea the impact that they were having on our children's lives. I stand in awe of the circle of friendships that the Lord has created.

A Birthday Party at the Red Robin Restaurant

Josiah celebrated his birthday on our trip to Oregon. Big sister Cassie was our server, and she made him this very special hat.

Oregon ... Day #3 - The Museum is Closed, so We'd Better Find a New Park

Oregon ... Day #2 - "The Spinning Park"

Oregon ... Day #1 - "The Duck Poop Park"

Homeschooling

Random History Lesson

While driving 350+ miles today, our 6 year old started the most random discussion ...


Elijah, "Mom, do the good guys always win?"

Mama, "Wow! Very good question, why do you ask?"

Elijah, "Josiah says the good guy always wins."

Mama (very curious), "Okay ... Josiah, what was this discussion about?"

Josiah (8 yr. old), "Well ... it's good that the good guys won the Civil War."

Mama, "Really ... why's that."

Josiah, "Because if the good guys didn't win the Civil War, than we wouldn't have been able to adopt Jacob, Sarah, and Rachel, because ..."

Ben (14), "Josiah, let's not keep talking about it."

Josiah, "Why?"

Mama, "You're right, Josiah. Great thoughts. I'll explain later, why we shouldn't talk more about it right now."

End of today's random history lesson .....


(I explained to Josiah, later, that the kids hadn't had any U.S. History lessons yet, and that they wouldn't really understand the whole slave situation. I assured him that his thoughts were very good, and that we would be teaching the children about slavery and the civil war, later on.)

Their First American Road Trip

This week is Spring Break, and we are on a road trip. Because our family doesn't do anything the normal way, this is not the typical family road trip. We are combining several trips, in a couple of vehicles, with different family groups going different places.

After school on Friday, Jeremiah and I loaded up the BIG van with Ben, Hosanna, Sarah, Josiah, Rachel and Elijah ... and headed to Bend, OR to visit Cassie. Now, when planning a Spring Break trip in Washington and Oregon, you do not typically have to plan around snow. But, the weather decided to make our not-normal trip even more not-normal. Both mountain passes over which you must pass to get to Bend, got dumped on with snow on Friday morning. Therefore, since our BIG van is NOT a snowmobile, we had to drive the loooooong way, arriving in Bend at 2:00 a.m. The kids were great travelers, though, and we had a lot of fun. FIRSTS for Sarah and Rachel ... an American Fast Food restaurant: Chicken Nuggets & French Fries at Wendy's for dinner.

Cassie found a great deal on a rental house in Bend, so she is staying with us. Before we got here, the weather in Bend had definitely been spring weather ... sunshine and 70 degrees. So, we were excited to play at all of the great Bend parks. Yes ... we have had sunshine. However, for the past 3 days we have been to a different park every day. Within minutes of arriving at each park, it has started to snow. It has snowed on and off the whole time we were at the park. Once we leave the park, however, it has stopped snowing until the next day when we decide to go to another park. Totally crazy!

We have had fun, though, playing games, playing at the parks, going to Cassie's church, and celebrating Josiah's birthday at Red Robin with Cassie as our waitress. (Another FIRST for the girls ... an American Restaurant.) One of Cassie's managers stopped by the table to meet us and said, "So, you brought the whole crew." I responded, "Well ... this is actually only 1/2 of the family." We had a very large table filled with children, but in reality it was only 1 parent and 7 kids ... which is 1/2 of 2 parents and 13 kids. Crazy!

At night after the young ones are in bed ... I watch movies with the big kids, and I SCRAPBOOK. I have already completed 30+ pages of my Africa Album. Yea!

Jim had to stay home over the weekend, as he was giving the lecture this evening at Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). Tomorrow morning, at 6:00 a.m., Jim and Jacob will head to Oregon. However, they will not drive all the way to Bend.

We will leave here at 10:00, and will meet Jim and Jacob at the Christian Renewal Center in the early afternoon. We are looking forward to some great rest, relaxation, playing in the woods, hiking to the waterfalls, playing games, and scrapbooking. We are also looking forward to some fun times with our dear friends, the Hansens.

On Wed., Jeremiah will drive Jim's car and head North, so he can go to work at the restaurant and hang out with Josh, who had to stay home to go to school. (The community college already had their spring break.)

On Friday, Jim and I will load up the big, red van with the 7 younger children, and head to Puyallup to visit Grampa. Grampa is 89, fully functional mentally, but going blind quickly. He is very excited to meet Jacob, Sarah, and Rachel and to get a glimpse of them in his fading eyesight. Sad! We will also be having dinner with our dear "adopted" grandparents, Dick & Helen, before heading North.

We've taken LOTS of fun pics this week, but I don't have my computer to download them to. So, pics will come after we get home. Stay tuned ....

A Missions-Minded Family

I remember the comments people would make to me when we had 6 young children, and were surviving on a very small income.

"You'll never be able to provide for your large family on a teacher's salary."

"We only have 2 children so that we can provide all the extras: piano lessons, dance, etc..."

"How will you ever be able to pay for college for your kids?"

On and on and on they went ... it seemed that very few people could find a positive thing to say about our large family. (Thank you to those of you who DID support our choices back then.) And, much of the negativity was focused on the fact that they believed that Jim's teacher's salary wouldn't be sufficient to provide for all that our children would "need".

Yes ... things were tight. Yes ... there were months that our cupboards were nearly bare the last few days as we waited for the monthly paycheck. No ... our kids didn't get everything they wanted (but we did provide for their needs).

Today ... I sit in awe of ALL that the Lord has done ... the things He has provided ... the places He has taken our children.

Five of those children are now young adults (and #6 is in his 1st year of college). Four of the five have at least 2 years of college under their belts. The eldest chose the military rather than college (a choice we fully supported).

All of the children got their piano lessons. All of the children participated in choirs, drama, athletic teams, etc... Even with our small income, they all got to do the "things" that other kids did.

While, in some ways, our kids have lived a "typical" American child's life ... in other ways the Lord has taken them far beyond where their typical peers have gone. Many years ago, the Lord gave us a vision for missions. One year, our homeschool history class was focused on reading biographies of famous Believers, who had traveled the world for Christ (often sacrificing their lives for His cause). The books gave our children a view of the world far beyond what a typical history text would have given them. And, it gave them visions for where the Lord might take each of them.

We haven't taken vacations to Disney Land, but we have taken road trips to 35 states. We haven't taken them to Hawaii, but we have gone on mission trips to L.A. and to New Orleans.

I am reminiscing this week, because I now have 3 children in far-away lands. While Gregg is finishing up his time in Iraq this month, Carissa has just arrived this morning in Argentina. She is attending a YWAM DTS (discipleship training school) for 6 months. And, just hours before driving Carissa to the airport, we all said our good-byes to Lindsey, as she headed off to Germany for a 10 day mission trip with our church. Jeremiah and Josh are still home (the last of the "big kids"). While Josh will finish up 2 years of college while living at home, Jeremiah is working 2 jobs in order to put away enough money for 2 years in Amman, Jordan (leaving in August).

Who could have guessed, back when we could barely afford to drive to Oregon for summer vacation, where the Lord would be leading each of our children (not to mention Papa and Mama's recent trip to Africa)? Because of the significant costs associated with the adoption and travel to Africa, we haven't financially supported the older children's current travel abroad. However, they are hard workers; they have learned to save; and God has provided for each of them exactly what they have needed.

We stand in awe ... of God's calling on our family ... of the fact that we thought 6 kids was a "large family" (who would have guessed we would end up with 13) ... of God's plan to take our children all over the world for Him (Cassie started the trend, with trips to Haiti, Africa, and India) ... of God's faithfulness to provide for us the past 25 years ...

Fun at the Park

Carissa is leaving on Thursday for 6 months in Argentina. So, she is getting all of the quality time that she can with her little sisters (and brothers, too).

Carissa bought a new camera yesterday, so she took the kids to the park to play, and to practice with her new "toy".


A Self Portrait



Our "Two Little Monkeys"



What fun to have a sister just my size.



Beautiful Sisters



What a fun slide.



Is this how you use a swing?



Smile



"Say Cheese"



What do I do on this thing?



Hmmm...



Am I scary?