I would like to share with you a couple of the comments she has received ...
While most of the comments are supportive and positive, there are always those who have no idea of the further pain that can be cause by their words.
"So. I'm curious. If you love your son, why do you post him needing a home like you'd post a stray dog needing a home?"
Yes. That is how some people look at those of us who are walking through the trauma of a "disrupted adoption" (which is the term most commonly used when a family must find a new family for an adopted child). When I had to write the post for the CHASK website, looking for a new home for my son, that is how I felt. I felt like I was writing a "classified ad" for my son. But ... I had no other resources ... no other way that I knew of to find a new family for my son. Our pastor had thought that there should be a family within our large church (with 2,000+ attendees) that could take Jacob. But, no family was found. What else were we to do? We had nowhere to turn. No agency to work with. No adoption support system. I was all alone ... writing my classified ad. Please don't judge me for doing the only thing I knew to do. Please don't judge Corey for writing this on her blog.
And, another ...
"Disruption? So is that what adoptive parents call it to justify the giveaway? Hey, I have a seriously disabled child and she is certainly "disruptive" but I am not giving her away. What a cop out phrase."
Nope. I don't like the phrase either. But, that is what it is commonly called. If you've read Corey's story ... if you've read about our CRISIS ... you should know that neither family is looking for the "easy way out". Neither of us are "copping out" on our parenting responsibilities. But, we are each responsible for several younger children as well. Should we cop out on our responsibilities to them, in order to keep our sons in our homes?
There was another comment, though, that had a pro-active response to the phrase "disrupted adoption" ...
"... when a birth mother places a child for adoption - for whatever reason - the appropriate language is "adoption plan" or "adoption placement" as it is understood that the birth mother loves the child and is making the decision/plan/placement out of love. I find it fascinating and judgmental that when an adoptive family finds themselves in the position that they need to make an adoption plan it is called a "disruption" as though adoptive families do not love their children enough to make a loving "adoption plan" for them, but just easily "disrupt" their child's place in the family. It is certainly not like that at all and the term "disruption" itself once again shows that adoptive moms are judged more critically and their authenticity as a mom is given less credence than biological mothers."
Yes. I like that. Corey and I are working on loving "adoption placement plans" for our sons.
Wow, you bring up a very sad sad topic - judging others. It's not just about adoption or parenting is it? It's about judging other people. I'm convicted in many areas reading this. Not specifically about your situation but about the people who I rub shoulders with in person. People who even this past month could have probably used a helping hand, rather than a look that said, "gee, I'm glad I'm not like THAT!" Thanks for the post. Blessings, Jennifer
ReplyDeleteI like that last comment too.. about an adoption placement plan. Its true!! You guys are simply unable to provide the best possibly environment for him to thrive, live, heal and grow. How can he do those things he is still living in the past and doing the actions of the past!? He cant and a new home may be the catalyst he needs to let go of his past, put off the old ways and don the new ways, the new life, the new actions in Jesus!!!
ReplyDeletePraise God that there are mothers like you who love thier sons enough to find that home for them!!!
I love that comment too- it is true, and shows a loving response to a serious situation that many don't have a clue about.
ReplyDeletelaurel - glad you were able to connect with Corey. hope you are all ok - praying for you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Laurel,
ReplyDeleteI just read through Corey's blog too after reading your post and my heart is just so heavy for the two of you and others that are going through the same things. My heart just breaks for all involved as this has got to be the hardest thing to work through. You love your children, I love my children, and that is why we have to protect them and do what is best for them. You are in my prayers and you are loved! I pray that there is a home found soon where both boys can thrive and be loved and be safe. Keep talking or doing whatever helps you best get through it.
yeah. you probably got a lot of hits because of your title. anyway.
ReplyDeleteso i pop on over every so often because we've adopted 3 boys + our 2 bios...so, your adventures are interesting for me to read.
never ever in my wildest imaginations would i even consider what you or any other family needing to find a placement for a child they had adopted an easy process. i'd assume it is gut wrenching.
it is something i would never ever want to experience. i am so sorry that you are having to walk this road.
and to think that there are people out there who glory in being jerks to families who are hurting really makes me angry. so much so, i have to preach to myself about the grace, love, and forgiveness of our God...and remind myself of what a sinner I am.
whew.
so.
hugs.
I like the new phrase you coined - because after reading your post yesterday I was thinking that 'disruption' just isn't an appropriate word - if a biological family needs to find alternative placement for their child, whatever age, that is no different than having the same thing happen in an adoptive family. And, given the risk involved to other children in the familiy, sometimes, sadly, placement is necessary. I would be interested to know what those who oppose placement are suggesting as an alternative - surely they would not be willing to sacrifice the well-being of other children in the home so that one who is struggling so greatly can stay? And for the one who needs placement, I think at some level finding a new home can be a way of reducing tension and stress for that child, who can then live in an environment with less need to fight their difficulties on a daily basis, giving them so much more opportunity to learn in safe context, and have success in overcoming so that they can go on to live a fully satisfying life.
ReplyDeleteVery good point brought up by the pro-active response commenter on this post. I've often wondered about that myself. Thanks for posting this:)
ReplyDelete