Can Life Please Stop, For Just A Minute ...

So That I Can Take Time to Grieve?

I realize that you can never really 

"plan" for a miscarriage.  

But ... really ... the timing this week 

was CRAZY hard.

Papa has been unemployed ... 

for 3 months.  

He has had time to go 

EVERYWHERE with Mama ... 

for 3 months.  

But ... 

this week ... 

Papa wasn't able to be here ...

when Mama needed him most.

Wednesday

On Wednesday morning, 

Papa had to go to a New Job Orientation 

at 7:00 am., for his temporary position

at the local refinery.

On Wednesday morning, 

I had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound.

Therefore ... 

I was all alone ...

when I found out that our baby had died.  

I didn't have anyone to talk to ... 

no one to pray with ... 

no one to cry with ... 

no one to hold my hand.  

It was ... 

Oh. So. Hard.

I drove home ...

o.h ... s.o ...  v.e.r.y.  ...  s.l.o.w.l.y.  ...

I didn't want to go home,

and face the children.

But, I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I made it into the driveway.

I  s.l.o.w.l.y  made my way into the house.

I mumbled some greetings to the kids.

I made a bee-line for my bedroom.

Safe in bed.

I was too numb to even cry.

I fell into a restless sleep,

until Papa came home a few hours later.

I shared with Papa that our baby was gone.

We held each other for 1 short minute,

and then he reminded me that ... 

life must still go on ...

we had no time to grieve ...

I couldn't just pull the covers up and cry for awhile.

I got myself up.

Pulled myself together.

And ... off we went to Ben's track meet.

Near the end of the track meet,

Josh & Hannah arrived from across the state.

We haven't seen them since New Year's.

They are home for a couple of days for Spring Break.

After the track meet, 

Josh drove the kids home in the Big Van,

while Papa and I went grocery shopping.

(We were having LOTS of company this week,

and therefore needed LOTS of food.)

We got home from shopping at 9:30.

We told the children that our baby had died.

The children went to bed.

Papa went to bed. 

But, I couldn't join him.

I couldn't go to bed and grieve with him.

I couldn't go to bed and pray with him.

I couldn't go to bed and cry with him.

No ... 

I had cookies to make ...

and company to greet ...

I made cookie dough from 10:00-midnight,

for the 100+ cookies I needed for Friday's track meet.

Then, I stayed up and chatted with the teens until 

12:30 am when Dean & Cassie arrived from Minnesota.

Then, of course, I needed to chat with 

Dean & Cassie for a bit.

I finally crawled into bed about 2:00 am.

Too exhausted to even think too much

about the loss of our precious child.

Too tired to even cry.

Thursday

I had to get up at 8:00.

I had breakfast to make ... for 12 people.

Hosanna made Whole Wheat Pancakes,

which we served with Strawberries & Whipped Cream,

while I made Strawberry/Banana Smoothies.

Papa was gone again.  He had to leave at 6:00am to drive 
150 miles to a Teacher Job Fair; as he is hoping to get

a teaching job for next year.  So ... he wasn't here to grieve 
with me, nor to help me through a hard and busy day.

I think I took a short nap between breakfast

and lunch, but don't quite remember,

as the last few days have been such a blur.

After lunch, though, it was time to get to work

and get ready for a Big BBQ Dinner with 20

Friends & Family.


I had wheat to grind ...
and homemade hamburger buns to make ...
and Raspberry Salad to make ...

Dean had never visited our home before,

so Cassie had asked if we could invite friends

over to meet Dean.

Papa came home in time to start up the grill.

Gregg arrived shortly after.

Lindsey came to visit, as well.

Pretty soon, friends began to arrive.

We had a wonderful meal of BBQ hamburgers,

chicken burgers, raspberry salad, baked beans,

and chips.

After dinner, more friends arrived for dessert.

Soon, we had 25 people filling our living & dining rooms.

I served up the pie, brownies, and ice cream.

We played games for a couple of hours.

It was fun.

But ...

I still hadn't had time to grieve.

I hadn't had any alone time with Papa.

I couldn't "do life" and grieve at the same time,

so grieving got put on the back burner.

I finally crawled into bed ...

exhausted ...

and wondering when my body would miscarry ...

when I would really "lose" the baby.

The waiting game is ... Oh. So. Hard.

Friday

Papa was finally home for the day.

But ... we also had a house full of 14 people.

No.  

No time to grieve today.

We have too much to do.

After Breakfast Burritos and Fruit for breakfast,

I had cookies to bake for the Track Meet.

Remember, I had made the cookie dough

on Wed. night, but I still had 100+ cookies to bake.

Shortly before completing the baking of the cookies,

when I was oh so looking forward to a moment to relax,

I was reminded that I had Cinnamon Rolls to make,

for tomorrow's breakfast.  Oh dear!  Can't stop now.

I made the Cinnamon Roll dough,

and popped it into the refrigerator,

with just enough time to throw together

another Raspberry Salad (for the meet),

and then rushed around to get ready for the Track Meet.

This wasn't just any track meet.  No.  This was the biggest 
track meet of the year, that our team hosts.  Not only does 
our team host this 6 hour track meet (with 16 teams), 

but Papa & Mama had volunteered to be in charge 

of the hospitality room for all of the coaches

(thus the cookies and raspberry salad).

We picked up 30 pizzas from Papa Murphy's, before heading 
over to the school.  Not only did we get to set up and supervise 
the Hospitality Room for the coaches, but we got the privilege 
of baking the pizzas in the Home Ec. room and serving them

in the Coaches Room.

The track meet started at 3:30 and didn't get over until 9:30.

Papa and I were on our feet nearly the entire time ...

Papa running back and forth keeping track of the pizzas in 
the ovens; Mama keeping all the food and drink stocked,

and welcoming all of the coaches (and telling them what my 
yummy cookies were made of, when they asked).

While keeping track of pizzas and salads and

cookies and drinks, we also kept our eye on the track,

so that we could run out and take pictures for each

of Ben's 4 events.  And, what a GREAT meet Ben had.

He ran the 200m in the Medley Relay.

He ran the 100m., getting 2nd in his heat.

He set a P.R. (Personal Record) in the 200m.

His 4x400 team placed 2nd (out of 16 teams)

in the last race of the day.

And ... he had the BIGGEST and the BEST

Cheerleading Squad imaginable:

Dean & Cassie here from Minnesota.

Josh & Hannah here from across the state.

Gregg here from his new home, 150 miles away.

Vicky and all of the Young Ones, from here at home.

Side Note:  This was the very first track meet 

that Dean had ever been to, so he learned a lot, 

about our family and about track meets.

So, we got home at 10:00.

Can I go to bed yet?

Of course not.

I have Cinnamon Rolls to make for breakfast.

The Cinnamon Rolls were done by midnight,

and I did enjoy visiting with everyone while

I worked.

A friend of Cassie's had come over when we 

got home from the track meet.  So, we visited

with him until 1:00 am.

Another EXHAUSTING day.

No time to think.

No time to cry.

No time to talk to Papa.

No time to grieve.

Saturday

Up at 8:00 to make breakfast for The Gang.

Said our "Good-byes" to Dean & Cassie at 9:00.

Crawled back into bed at 9:30 ...

... and slept 

... and slept 

... got up at noon and ate a brownie

... back to bed by 12:30

... cried for awhile

... slept some more

... got up at 5:00.

It's now Saturday night ... 

at almost midnight.

It's been 3 1/2 days since we found out

that our baby died.


My heart has been crying silently ...
always wondering ...


"Doesn't anybody care?"


"Don't you realize how hard this is for Mama?"


"Is anyone else sad that our baby has died?"

Papa has been silent, 
caught up in the busyness of life.

(He was off at a painting job 

this afternoon and evening.)

The Young Ones haven't shown any interest 

in talking about it.

The Big Kids didn't say one word about it,

when they were here for 3 days.

I'm hurt.

I'm confused.

Am I really just supposed to walk this 

through all by myself (with the love and

prayers of my sweet bloggy friends)?

I'm still in "waiting mode",

wondering when my body will

decide to complete the miscarriage.

Maybe ...

tomorrow I can grieve.

Maybe ...

tomorrow the Lord will help my

body to complete the miscarriage.

Because ...

if not tomorrow ...

then life gets crazy busy again on Monday.

We have 6 dentist appts. on Mon. & Tues.

We have 6 baseball practices this week.

We have 5 track practices this week.

Papa will probably start his new job this week.

Yes ... 

tomorrow ...

I MUST take time to grieve ...

I MUST get time alone with Papa ...

we MUST make time to pray ...

we MUST make time to cry together.

THANK YOU for ALL of your sweet comments and 
emails.  You have no idea how much your words have 
meant to me this week ... how MUCH I needed to

hear from each of you.

Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow,

and this coming week.