Welcome to Our Journey of Faith. My blog is a place where I share the joys and trials of living a faith-filled life as the mother of an extra large (12 children) homeschooling family, and my prayer is that it brings encouragement to others to live their lives as an adventure of faith, as well.
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Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Feeling a Little Like Moses
When walking through trials, I've always "held on", knowing that a new day would come.
When battling the storms of life, I've always "stayed strong", knowing that the rain would stop and the sun would shine again one day.
However ...
Recently ...
I've begun to wonder ...
Will a "New Day" ever come for our family?
Will the rain every stop?
Will the sun ever shine down on us again?
How many years did Moses walk in the desert ... leading the way to the Promised Land?
How many years will we walk through crisis ... after crisis ... after crisis ... hoping for a Promised Land?
You know what? Moses never made it to the Promised Land. No. He died out there in the desert.
I have to wonder ... will we ever make it to any type of Promised Land for our family ... or will we continue to walk in the desert (battling one crisis after another) until the end of our days?
I know that the Lord has never promised us a "happily ever after".
I know that the Lord has walked with us each and every step of the way ... in each and every crisis.
I am not, in any way, doubting my faith.
No.
I'm just tired.
Worn out.
Exhausted ... from the storms of life that have battled our family continually for the past 3 1/2 years.
A very difficult adoption process.
The transition of adding 3 children to the family.
The loss of my job, due to a political "mess" in our school district.
The realities of R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder).
Our Adoption Crisis.
Papa's career transition.
False Accusations and the C.P.S. Case.
Living apart from Papa for much too long.
Our Marriage Crisis.
Unemployment.
And ... now ...
... the loss of this precious child,
that we thought was ...
... the promise of a New Day for our family.
... the first step into our Promised Land.
... the first ray of sunshine after the storms.
Seriously. I'm beginning to lose hope that there will ever be a Promised Land for our family.
Must I resign myself to living in Crisis Mode for the rest of my years?
Crying out to the LORD tonight ...
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My heart cries for you. I too have often felt this way. I look at all those around me in my life and think how "normal" and safe and reliable their lives are. Since I was young my life has had trauma and the abnormal experiences. I often wondered about my own worthiness - maybe I deserved this? Later I felt neglected by the Lord. Here I was begging for normal things others willingly tossed to the side. Simple things. Things that were righteous. Yet, I seemed to keep falling into crisis after crisis. I thought when I grew up it would be easier and safer - I could make my life normal. But it hasn't infertility, loss of family, loss of health, financial issues, constant moving, lack of children (I wanted 13). People would tell me of Job and tell me to hold on. But Job had everything before it was taken - I had very little. He recieved twofold in the end - I am still waiting. I had a crisis of faith several years ago when someone told me of a man who had crisis after crisis from birth to end. I was devastated I wanted an end...I lost hope of even wanting to get out of bed - if life was never going to improve. I finally came to a point of accepting it - though not liking it. Since then have things become easier? No. We thought adoption would bring peace and a better life - but we too deal with children from hardplaces. More financial problems. Loss of job. Unemployment. Moving from VA to AK. Backslide of the boys issues. More financial issues. health issues that only get worse. Somedays I am bed ridden. I worry it will never end. I see my life slipping by without any peace. Somedays even reading scripture and praying doesn't make me feel better. But I keep my hope that one day I will be made whole and I will understand what the Lord needed from me and needed to teach me. If anything, I better understand those who suffer. I know this may never make you feel better: but finding you and reading your posts I have found strength in your faith. I cry when you go through struggles but I see how you pick yourself up and find a way to keep your family going. You give me hope. You have helped me to not feel so alone in the world. I see you keep going and still have faith. It gets shaken I see that but you still hold on. It makes me feel like I can too. You are an example and light to others. I am sure that doesn't make you feel much better - maybe even more burdened. But I thank you. Thank you for your light. You don't hide it. I pray that the Lord will bless you with peace. Peace amidst the pain. I pray for you! May God ease your suffering.
ReplyDeleteI thought of you today, Mama D... I am so sorry of what you are going through :(
ReplyDeleteOn my bedside desk I have "Our Daily Bread Promise Box" and the verse on display shows:
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy Psalms 126:5
I was just reminded of it when I read your post today, and thought to share with you. It gave me hope in the sad times that I am going through.
Sometimes all we have are His words and promises... and we know that heaven and earth will pass away, but His words will notpass away. Speaking of Moses, don't forget... even though Moses didn't get into the promised land, he got to see Jesus! :)
And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,
And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.
And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him. (Matthew 17:1-3).
Wish I could bring sunshine into your life again, it is very hard going through this.
Hugs.
To One Mama D from another Mama D:
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, I don't know you, but I saw your comment on Adeye's blog. I prayed for you. I don't know your circumstances, but may you somehow, through these storms, find peace and comfort in His arms. A couple years ago our family hit some of the most unheard of circumstances we have ever had to face. Things you think only happen in the movies, but how true 2 Corinthians 12:9 ("But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.") turned out to be. Continue to trust in Him and let Him carry you. I am so sorry for your trials. God bless
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
ReplyDeleteRemember we cannot direct God or measure his timing. As history shows, this is the feeling of the other on the other side of the fence and had to face living like this for centuries. This posting remind me of the show, Touched By an Angel.
ReplyDeleteLaurel, how would you like to go through this online video class with me? I just started this week. It's by a friend if mine, Donna Partow, and called HOPE AGAIN, and goes through a book, "Becoming a Vessel of GOD'S Power." I started today, and went through the first 5 videos while I was getting ready (putting on my makeup, doing my hair, and cleaning our bedroom).
ReplyDeleteHere's the link to the first one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91QnSk27WqQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Love you!!! (and yes, you can go forward into GOD'S Promised Land). Want to hear a good quite??? It's from a book called "What to do on the Worst Day of Your Life" by
Pastor Brian Zahnd: "Victory is not the absence of trouble. Victory is success in in struggle and overcoming an enemy. There are things you can do and a path you can take that will lead you beyond the fear and heartache of initial loss into a place of authentic victory." (I read that OVER-and-OVER recently when I was going through a very hard time, and it encouraged me Soooooo much, especially the part, "there are things you can do and a path you can take....")
God has a way out. Here's also an encouraging word Jon preached a few weeks ago: You're Going Over (You're not Going Under) http://harvestministry.org/audio-going-over ).
Love you!!!
I also am seeking peace in the midst of what seems never ending ups and downs. I cling to knowing HE has a plan, He loves me, He never makes mistakes, He wants me to be like His son, He has not promised it to be easy, He has promised to be there all the way!!
ReplyDeleteClinging to the promises and praying with you.
Donna
I just want to offer my heartfelt sympathy for what you have gone through over the last several years. And my heart just broke for you in the loss of your baby. I so hope that things will begin to look up for all of you. It can be so tiring to go from one trial to another and another, even when ones faith is in place. My prayers are best wishes are with you. Becky
ReplyDeletePRAYING!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou took my breath away. I'm so, so sad. Know that I am praying over you and the whole family!
ReplyDeleteArgh... I wrote a long comment and blogger erased it (AGAIN... lesson learned: copy before publishing). I'll try again...
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking and praying about this a lot... reminding God of all you guys have faced the last few years and asking Him to bring relief and blessing. I, too, saw this baby as the start of a new season, the end of "crisis-mode"... While a miscarriage would be hard NO MATTER WHAT, I think this makes it more devastating. Every baby is a blessing, but this baby was something extra-special. "Our tongues were filled with laughter, our mouths with songs of joy" (Ps. 126:2) at the news of this baby.
On Sunday (3/27), as I read Psalm 27, the Lord highlighted v. 13: "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." Then today, after reading your post, I flipped my verse-a-day calendar and today's verse was Psalm 27:13. :)
Today I was also reminded of SCC's song "Beauty Will Rise":
"So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe
I will believe for you
'Cuz I have seen
The signs of Spring
Just watch and see!"
Even as I question, I remain confident that we will see the goodness of the Lord not only in Heaven but in this life... that Spring will come ... that, as Susan shared, we will reap in joy... that the Lord WILL part the Jordan and lead you to the "Promised Land".
Praying for you... for continued strength and comfort and for the LORD to SOON lead you out of the desert and into a land flowing with milk and honey. Oh how I eagerly await the day you "reap with songs of joy" (Ps. 126:5)!
Love you LOTS!
Another hug to you.
ReplyDelete