Responding to Your Thoughts and Questions

I want to respond to a few of the thoughts and questions that have come up this week, in the comments and in personal emails to me.


First of all, though, a BIG THANK YOU for ALL of your love and support.  You have no idea how much your words of encouragement and your prayers have meant to me.  (As most of you know, we don't have any involved extended family.  We don't have any grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins that we call on in times of crisis.  No.  YOU are our family, and we appreciate you all so very much.)




1.  Why?


Some of you may have struggled with the fact that I am even asking the question, "Why?".  Some people believe that we should never question God.  As I said in my last post, I am not one that usually questions God.  However, in Bible Study Fellowship this year, our Teaching Leader talked about the times we question God, and she said something that really struck me.  She said ... 

"It is okay to question God's will, 

as long as we do not question God's character."

As I said in my last post, I am not in any way doubting my faith; yet I am honestly asking the Lord to show me some of the "Why?"  

I don't question who God is.  

I don't question His absolute power 

and authority over my life.  

But, I think it's okay to say to Him, 

"Hey God, I'm just a little bit confused 

about the details of this past month.  

I'd love to have a few answers, if I could."

Now, a couple of you may have even answered that question for me today.  Maybe, it has nothing to do with what I need to learn; but, maybe the Lord allowed me to walk through this because He is teaching YOU something.  And ... you know what ... I am okay with that.  Seriously.  If, somehow, the Lord can shine His light through me ... in the midst of my tears ... my questions ... my pain.  Then, it's worth it.  There doesn't have to be any other reason.  But, if He wants to teach me (or Papa, or the children) something, as well, then we eagerly await His answers to our questions.

2.  Grief.

While some of you may think that it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with life (ie:  quit the whining), I want to remind you of a post I wrote in January.

I told you about the Mud Puddle that I found myself sitting in, in the middle of our Marriage Crisis.  I explained that I am one that usually pulls myself up by the bootstraps, but that the Lord was teaching me that sometimes it is good for me to learn to sit in the mud ... to learn how to rest in His arms, and allow myself to grieve.  I just reread that post, and it could have been written this week.  That is exactly how I have been feeling this week.

I went on to write a 2nd post in January, about The Mud Puddle of Grief, where I explained all that the Lord was teaching me about grief.  Who would have ever guessed that just 2 months later, I would be found grieving in my mud puddle again.  Oh. So. Hard.

3.  When does LIFE begin?

One reader told me that since my baby had not developed properly (as shared in A Difficult Decision), rather than developing properly and then failing to have a heartbeat, that I maybe should not grieve as much because it was ... 

Never.   Really.   A.   Baby.  

WHAT?!?!  

REALLY?!?!

We believe that a child is created at the moment of conception.  Whether my child lived 1 minute ... 1 hour ... 1 day ... 1 month ... 2 months ... DOES NOT MATTER.  Papa and I conceived a child.  That child has died.  We are grieving our loss.  Period.

4.  How long should we grieve?

Another reader implied that it was time to stop grieving.  Now, I do not know how they came to that conclusion.  But, I beg to differ.

Grief is different ... for every person ... in every situation.

Am I supposed to be done grieving because I was "only" 8 weeks pregnant?  Would I be allowed to grieve longer if I was 18 weeks pregnant?  Or, is 35 weeks the starting point for allowable grief?

If you agree that it is acceptable for a woman to grieve longer if her pregnancy lasted longer, then this would also be true ...

I should grieve less if my 10 year old died, than if my 20 year old died.  Right?  Because I have known my 20 year old longer? 

NO!!!  This thinking is Just. Plain. Wrong.

My grief will look different than the grief of any other mother.  Whether I grieve for 3 days or 3 months, I must be "allowed" to grieve.  No one has the right to tell me what my heart is feeling.  No one has the right to put limits on anyone else's grief.

And ... one last thought ... I want to explain to you that the grief I have this time is much different than the grief I had when I lost a baby during pregnancy 19 years ago.  Yes.  Very different.  19 years ago, I had no doubt that I would be able to have more children (I'd already had 6 children in 6 years).  I moved through my grief fairly quickly, and got pregnant less than a year later.  Now ... I doubt that will be the case.  I am grieving not only the loss of this child, but I am grieving the fact that it is very unlikely that I will EVER carry another child in my womb.  

Don't worry.  

I'll pick myself up and dust myself off.  

I'll move on with life.  

You won't have to listen to me 

"whine" for much longer.  

But, please, give me a little space ... 

a little "allowance" for grief.

5.  THANK YOU!!!

Because I don't want to end this post with the tough questions you have asked (or surprising comments you have made), I want to share a few of your comments that have BLESSED me this week.

"I think you're setting a great (real) example as a Christian.  So many people try to sweep the tough stuff under the carpet so that everything looks neat & tidy.  The reality is, life gets downright painful sometimes.  I am so sorry for your pain, but I am proud of you for being real."

"My why question would be - why would you have to live so far away when I really want to be close to give you hugs and pray with you in person right now?"

"Why you ask?  ... I continue to search your blog daily for your Godly example.  You have taught me how important my marriage is, how important my family is, how important my life with Christ is, and you have also taught me to be more selfless and have more compassion ... need I go on?  I don't personally know you, but daily I seek your blog first because I glean so much from your life. ...  You have given me hope.  I feel like you are one of the people that God has put in my path to help me to be a graceful Godly woman.  WHY you ask?  For me.  For the many many other ladies who read your blog faithfully and pray for you and hurt with you, for those who I mentor with your stories and your example.  God is using you in a much larger capacity than you know."


"Finding you and reading your posts I have found strength in your faith.  I cry when you go through struggles but I see how you pick yourself up and find a way to keep your family going.  You give me hope.  You have helped me to not feel so alone in the world.  I see you keep going and still have faith.  It gets shaken, I see that, but you still hold on.  It makes me feel like I can too.  You are an example and light to others. ...  I thank you.  Thank you for your light.  You don't hide it."

Thank you!  

As I said earlier, if I can somehow 

shine the Light of Jesus in the midst of ... 

... my pain ... my questions ... my tears ... 

then it's worth it.

My heart ... my prayer ... my passion 

is to share my life (through my blog) 

in a way that brings glory to Him, and Him alone.

When I ask for your prayers, 

I am not looking for your pity,

just honestly asking for prayer,

because I know the POWER that

can come from interceding 

for one another.

When I share any Good News, 

I hope you will rejoice with me.

When I share my grief, 

I pray that I may help someone else 

as they grieve.

When I share my tears,

I hope that someone else will know,

"It's okay to cry."

Thanks for walking with me,

on this journey called life.

Thanks for rejoicing with me in the good times,

and crying with me through the pain.

I am BLESSED by your friendships.