Welcome to Our Journey of Faith. My blog is a place where I share the joys and trials of living a faith-filled life as the mother of an extra large (12 children) homeschooling family, and my prayer is that it brings encouragement to others to live their lives as an adventure of faith, as well.
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Thursday, March 31, 2011
WHY ?!?!
I've been struggling this past week,
with the big question of, "Why???"
But, it may not be the "Why?"
that you think it is.
I am usually NOT a big "Why?" asker.
I have never questioned God about my childhood:
... why I was raised in an abusive home.
... why I was s*xually abused as a teen.
... why my parents divorced.
... why I was disowned by my wealthy grandparents.
I have not questioned God about the many
serious trials our family has walked through:
... why I battled endometriosis for 12 years.
... why I got thyroid cancer.
... why my van got hit by a semi-truck.
... why my 3 year old nearly died
from bacterial meningitis.
... why my eldest son, serving in Iraq,
had to watch his friends die in battle.
No. I really have not asked God "Why?"
in any of those situations.
But.
Now.
I find myself asking, "Why???"
However. I am not asking God,
"Why did my baby die?"
No.
I am asking God ...
"Why did I conceive this child, when You knew
that I was going to have to say, "good-bye"
before I even got the chance to say, "hello"?
That is the question that racks my brain.
That is the question that has me stumped.
That is the question that I ponder throughout the day.
I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
We had just barely survived our Marriage Crisis.
We were struggling through unemployment.
We were not thinking of having another baby.
We had no hopes and dreams for another child.
We were perfectly content to wait for grandbabies.
So.
Why?!?!?!?!?
Sometimes, God allows trials for specific reasons.
I understand that.
I get that.
But.
Really?!?!?!
Did God think we needed another trial
to keep us humble?
Did God think we needed to lose another
child in order to have more compassion?
Did God think we were getting complacent?
How could He possibly think any of this?!?!
3 1/2 years of back-to-back crises ...
have certainly kept us humble.
Endometriosis, cancer, and the loss of a baby
19 years ago ... have given us compassion.
Complacency? Nothing could be further from
the truth right now for my life.
So.
Why ... did God allow me to get pregnant,
when the chances of a 49 year old even
conceiving are so very low?
Why ... did God allow us to hope and dream
about the life of this precious child, when He
knew we would never see his/her face?
What ... does God want us to learn from this?
I KNOW that God has a purpose in each and
every trial that He allows us to walk through.
I KNOW that God is holding our hands right now.
I KNOW that God has a purpose and plan for
the life of our family, even when it is very
hard to decipher at times.
But.
Right now.
I just have to wonder ...
What was God's purpose,
in giving life to this precious child,
for. just. eight. weeks. ???
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Your questions reminds me of Job's questions.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Satan asked God permission to try you?
Keep faithful to Him even if we don't understand why. We'll find out when we meet Him. It's hard.
Those questions you ask, I wonder too. Vali questions.
Just, when there's no answer, the only thing we fall back is this scripture:
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Proverbs 3:5,6).
Praying that He will give you His peace, it will quiten all the "whys", in His presence there is contentment, even thought situations are perplexing and devastating.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers, but I just wanted to say that I think you're setting a great (real) example as a Christian. So many people try to sweep the tough stuff under the carpet so that everything looks neat & tidy (we left a church for that reason). The reality is, life gets downright painful sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest, most uncomfortable exercises I ever did was in a spiritual growth setting. We were to lament to God about the tough stuff. What? You want me to "duke it out" with God? It was one of the biggest breakthroughs in learning about my relationship with Him & my walk as a Christian. It's not neat & tidy...sometimes it just plain hurts & it's ok to let Him know that we're mad, angry, hurt, confused, disappointed, etc. He doesn't just want fluffy, pretty words...He wants to be part of our everything.
I'm so sorry for your pain, but I am proud of you for being real.
Reading through your last few posts, I realize we have so much in common, miscarriages, living apart from a mate way too long, attachment issues, 49 y.o. etc. Hang in there. It does seem to be coming back to back.
ReplyDeleteMama D, I think it's time you pull up your boot straps get a piece of paper and write out EVERYTHING you can think of at the moment that you are thankful for, then go take care of those darlings of yours, teach them well, love that husband of yours. They need you. There is a time for everything....sometimes I think a Momma doesn't get the privledge of being out of the loop for too long no matter what the case. As my Momma would say to me, "get that chin up you child of God, and be strong!"
ReplyDeleteKeep clinging to His promises. And though we may never know why to our biggest questions, we KNOW HE LOVES US and that is where we stand in trust and faith.
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting, keep clinging and moving forward in obedience. I too am trusting that all will be made clear and peaceful in time.
Donna
Thinking of you and praying~
ReplyDeleteBlessings~
Perhaps God's promise of new life for your family has been the new life He has given your marriage... I pray that you find peace today.
ReplyDeletePsalm 91
Job 1:21
Love, Jen
(P.S. I hope this comment encourages you! I am definitely *not* trying to minimize the pain you must be feeling from the miscarriage.)
Some things are just a result of our sinful fallen world and we'll never know the why in this lifetime. God is God and we're not, as my son had to recite at the beginning of every class one semester :-)
ReplyDeletePraying for your sweet family!
Haven't been online due to "issues" here. But praying constantly for you my friend. I don't have any idea why the trials are coming....but I KNOW OUR GOD IS GREATER!!! I KNOW HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH THIS!!!!! AND I KNOW THAT the pain HURTS. PRAYING OVER YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!! FOR YOU AND PAPA!!!! Loving you from what seems like the other side of the world.
ReplyDeleteMy why question would be- why would you have to live so far away when I really want to be close to give you hugs and pray with you in person right now?
Still no real words of comfort that anyone can give. Losing a child is too much....it hurts too deeply...and we are praying....
Just read this on another blog and my heart thought of you...
ReplyDeleteScripture: The LORD is just! He is my rock! There is nothing but goodness in Him. Psalm 92:15NLT
Difficult times come, right? We all have them, sometimes we cause them and sometimes they are merely circumstances the Lord, in His providence and wisdom, has ordained that we should endure and by which we might bless others. When those times come, the Christ-follower, looks to Him and closes ranks with the Lord. Soldiers in a dangerous place take strategic positions where each can see the other and all can see the leader without the slightest possibility of mistaking a command.
When doubts are attacking you, prayer is the source of power that will draw you closer to the Savior. When fears begin creeping into your perimeter, then you can shed the light of God's peace and unconditional love as you ask God to fill you with both to shine out in His name. Since God is filled with goodness, then THAT is exactly what He will fill you with when the need arises.
No matter what the difficulty, no matter how stressful the trial, no matter how painful the heartache you may be experiencing, take it to the Lord just now and receive, in exchange, enough peace to get you through the moment, the hour, the day. When the resource runs low, go back for more, there will always be plenty. "Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find. Knock and it will be opened to you (Matt. 7:7).
"Lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united with the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
Why you ask? I, as a younger woman (35), married for fewer years (15), with fewer children (5) and with one difficult adoption and many stressful situations continue to search your blog daily for your Godly example. You have taught me how important my marriage is, how important my family is, how important my life with Christ is and you have also taught me to be more selfless and have more compassion for those who have lost children, those who are dealing with RAD, those who need to make new placements, those who are wrongly accused....need I go on? I dont personally know you, but daily I seek your blog first because I glean so much from your life. I have so few around me who understand the pain of a tough adoption. You have given me hope. I feel like you are one of the people that God has put in my path to help me to be a graceful Godly woman. WHY you ask? For me. For the many many other ladies who read your blog faithfully and pray for you and hurt with you, for those who I mentor with your stories and your example. God is using you in a much larger capacity that you know.
ReplyDeleteCybil
((((HUGS and Prayers being sent your way)))))
ReplyDeleteI don't know why. I don't pretend to know.
Just know you are in so many prayers.
This, too...shall pass. And you will know "why".
Hang in there.
Maybe so you would know what it is like to be "held"....
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw
I'm 52 and I was recently pregnant for 6 weeks. Then God took the child home. I'm not grieving because I now have 12 children in heaven singing around the throne. The sight of that makes me happy. I have 8 children with me that also look forward to meeting their brothers and sisters in the future.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Sharon