I hope you will visit my ministry website: http://ajourneyoffaith.net .
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I've been struggling this past week,
with the big question of, "Why???"
But, it may not be the "Why?"
that you think it is.
I am usually NOT a big "Why?" asker.
I have never questioned God about my childhood:
... why I was raised in an abusive home.
... why I was s*xually abused as a teen.
... why my parents divorced.
... why I was disowned by my wealthy grandparents.
I have not questioned God about the many
serious trials our family has walked through:
... why I battled endometriosis for 12 years.
... why I got thyroid cancer.
... why my van got hit by a semi-truck.
... why my 3 year old nearly died
from bacterial meningitis.
... why my eldest son, serving in Iraq,
had to watch his friends die in battle.
No. I really have not asked God "Why?"
in any of those situations.
I find myself asking, "Why???"
However. I am not asking God,
"Why did my baby die?"
I am asking God ...
"Why did I conceive this child, when You knew
that I was going to have to say, "good-bye"
before I even got the chance to say, "hello"?
That is the question that racks my brain.
That is the question that has me stumped.
That is the question that I ponder throughout the day.
I. Just. Don't. Get. It.
We had just barely survived our Marriage Crisis.
We were struggling through unemployment.
We were not thinking of having another baby.
We had no hopes and dreams for another child.
We were perfectly content to wait for grandbabies.
Sometimes, God allows trials for specific reasons.
I understand that.
I get that.
Did God think we needed another trial
to keep us humble?
Did God think we needed to lose another
child in order to have more compassion?
Did God think we were getting complacent?
How could He possibly think any of this?!?!
3 1/2 years of back-to-back crises ...
have certainly kept us humble.
Endometriosis, cancer, and the loss of a baby
19 years ago ... have given us compassion.
Complacency? Nothing could be further from
the truth right now for my life.
Why ... did God allow me to get pregnant,
when the chances of a 49 year old even
conceiving are so very low?
Why ... did God allow us to hope and dream
about the life of this precious child, when He
knew we would never see his/her face?
What ... does God want us to learn from this?
I KNOW that God has a purpose in each and
every trial that He allows us to walk through.
I KNOW that God is holding our hands right now.
I KNOW that God has a purpose and plan for
the life of our family, even when it is very
hard to decipher at times.
I just have to wonder ...
What was God's purpose,
in giving life to this precious child,
for. just. eight. weeks. ???