A couple of months ago, a commenter said something that I felt was quite unusual. It didn't feel like it even pertained to the ongoing discussion in the comments' section. But, my mind has wandered to it often as we have been walking through so many changes the past few months.
The comment was ...
"stop defining yourself by your
"big, crazy, Greek" family
but be yourself"
"Really?", I thought.
"How do I take the family out of 'me'?"
"How do I take 'me' out of our 'family'?"
Aren't we all somewhat defined by our families?
Aren't our families defined by who we are?
Aren't we all defined by our careers?
Isn't my career as a mother obviously
going to bring definition to who I am?
Who am I, if not "a mother of an extra-large family"?
Much pondering has taken place ...
The interesting thing is that this comment was made before all of the big changes took place the past couple of months. I had no idea that such a huge identity crisis was headed our way.
We have had young adult children for 9 years. Oh my! And, those young adult children have come and gone and come and gone and come and gone for all of those years. We've always had 1 or 2 or 3 or more young adults living here ... and we've LOVED it!
This past Spring/Summer we had 5 young adults living here at different times (in addition to our 6 younger children). Vicky was here for 5 months. Kati was here for just over 2 months. Carissa was here about 4 months. Josh was here for a month or so before his wedding. Lindsey was in and out this summer (visiting from Denver). Gregg, Ashleigh, Dean, and Cassie were all here for a week or so for Josh's wedding. Our life was FULL of Big Kids.
Now ... the Big Kids are gone. And, most likely, they won't be returning to live here. Vicky and Kati have both moved to Texas. Lindsey is headed back to Colorado. Carissa is living in Minnesota for a few months before returning to Argentina. Jeremiah & Ashleigh are moving to Florida with the Navy. Dean & Cassie are living in Minnesota. Gregg lives a couple of hours away. Josh & Hannah are busy with their new married life.
No more "big, crazy Greek family".
No more 15 passenger van.
No more 4 kids in a bedroom.
No more Hand & Foot Tournaments.
Only 8 chairs at the dining table
(which holds 14 with 3 leaves in).
Yes. Life is a lot quieter around here,
with "only" 6 kids to keep me busy.
When we traded in the BIG van, Ben mentioned that we are now just a "normal" family. We look like "everyone else" with our tan colored SUV. We don't stand out any more. We just blend in.
Is that a good thing?
I don't know.
I've always liked being "different".
I've always enjoyed being "not normal".
While I LOVE my new SUV, I do kind of miss driving my BIG van around town. That van defined us for many years. (I've driven a 15 passenger van for 20 years. That's a very long time to be defined as "the mom with the BIG van".) People would see us coming and think, "There's the Big D. Family."
It is really weird blending in.
It's hard to figure out how we now define ourselves
without all of the Big Kids ...
... as a family.
... as individuals.
Tomorrow the children and I will be going to a new homeschool group for the first time. We will meet a lot of new people. We will park our "normal" tan SUV in a parking lot (which will probably have more BIG vans than SUVs ... so we might be "not normal" after all).
How will I define our family when meeting new people?
"Hi. I'm the mother of these 6 children."
It will be different being in a place where no one knows our Big Kids ... where no one knows that Jim was a teacher and a pastor (again, careers do define us) ... where no one knows us as the family with the BIG red van.
Still ... how will I define myself?
I'm a mom ... a homeschooling mom.
These are my 6 children.
My husband is a house painter.
We've been married 29 years.
(People will think we waited
11 years before having children.)
We drive a very normal tan SUV.
We live in a very normal house
(filled with boxes due to
the re-organization project).
We love Jesus.
In actuality, we are still a "big family" ... we are still a "Greek family" ... and I am still defined by my career as a "mother of a large family". The makeup of our family has changed ... the picture of who we are has changed ... and we definitely look a lot more "normal" now. But, I can't really say that it's a good thing. I kind of liked who we were ... and I miss my Big Kids.
I'm adjusting, though. I'm enjoying the 6 children that I still have at home. I'm excited about the re-organizing, re-decorating, and re-focusing. I'm looking forward to the new homeschool program, with new friends for the children and new friends for mama. Maybe I'll find my new identity there.
I thank the Lord for all of the years that Our Big Crazy Greek Family lived life to its fullest ... with passion and a bit of craziness ... and I pray that the Big Kids will always remember the Good Times that we had.
The young ones and I will be okay. We'll find our "new normal". We'll figure out who we are without all of the big kids. It may just take us awhile.
The young ones and I will be okay. We'll find our "new normal". We'll figure out who we are without all of the big kids. It may just take us awhile.
I don't think you have changed from the big crazy family you were--if anything you are much bigger now!
ReplyDeleteIt is just we are actually raising adults to go out into the world to impact it with their lives for Jesus!
Isn't that what it is all about?
So yes we have both sent some of our treasures on their way.
And some of them have gained mates, which just makes our families more full and joyous.
May God continue to bless you in your journey!
Donna
I, too, have found myself in a different position during the last few years. Our oldest daughter married almost 6 years ago. At the time she was the oldest of 6. After she had her first baby, we had another one and my daughter got pregnant again with her second while I was still carrying our seventh. After our seventh baby was born when I was 44 I cut out extracurricular activities (of which I was a leader of two of the groups) except for our music lessons....due to just needing to be at home more and due to losing our suburban and we still haven't replaced it. Redefining ourselves, I think, is a constant...constantly growing and changing and becoming, hopefully, more like Christ,,,,in whom we should all be defining ourselves. We also a began attending a new church where people don't care that my husband was a minister for many years and they don't know our oldest daughter. They think we only have 6 children ....and that just doesn't seem right....
ReplyDeleteYou are still the mama to 12 kiddos...just that only 6 are at home. :) I love your big family!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that we get them out of our homes, but never out of our hearts.
ReplyDeleteI think parenting older children is harder than when they were young, as we have to be so careful and measure each word we say to them. It is sometimes painful to watch them make mistakes...and keep quiet. I think it is hard to watch their mistakes and with adult wisdom, know their choices can and do, at times, lead to heartache and hard times for themselves.
When my last child was finally grown, I found that I could no longer enjoy sitting at the table, by myself, for meals, so I've developed the bad habit of eating with the news.
Life is a series of doors opening and closing. I guess how we handle each new chapter in life is what counts in God's eyes.
(Wish I still had six good helpers around--those were the days!)
Happy school year! Enjoy your new situation with the homeschooling. May your year be blessed with peace and contentment in knowing, most of all, Whose you are!!
As a real-life friend I don't merely define you as the Mom of all the D's (though you are and it's so important!) I also see you as an experienced woman that always makes coffee time interesting, a person centered on Christ, willing to make room for people even when to-dos need to be done, a reader, a thinker, an introspective multi-tasker (who always has great nails and great hair ;))...and so, so much more! So glad God has made you multi-dimensional with a passion and commitment to your big ol' Greek family.
ReplyDeleteAnita ... you do understand. Thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteDonna ... we have definitely sent them OUT into the world. Just wishing that OUT was a bit closer to home. :)
Dawn ... LOVE your big family, too. Hoping to visit this winter (now that one of our sons is in FL as well, it gives us a good excuse).
Portland Granny ... thanks for your thoughts and understanding. Love this that you shared ...
"Life is a series of doors opening and closing. I guess how we handle each new chapter in life is what counts in God's eyes."
Shilo ... THANK YOU for your love, support, and encouragement. Don't think I could have walked through this last year without your supporting arm, and shoulder to cry on.
Appreciate all of you!!!
I saw a big red van the other day and thought, "OH, there's Laurel!" And then I realized I was in the wrong state and you don't own the van anymore anyway :(
ReplyDeleteHope the new homeschool group is going well!
You'll always be my Big Greek Family, no matter what :)
You are still a big family - and others seem to see that. In fact, I saw you listed in the Top 25 Big Family Blogs (http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/top-big-family-mom-blogs?trk=t25_top-big-family-mom-blogs#_)
ReplyDeleteWhether your family is far or near you still are a mother of many souls. They will always see you as such. The experience has identified you as such and can never be taken away. Even with six at home - that is a large family.
Praying for you as you go through this transition - I am sure it is a big one!