A COLD Day at the Beach

After several weeks of RAIN,

yesterday brought us some

BLUE SKY and SUNSHINE.

So, we went to the BEACH.

It was 28 degrees out,

and probably closer to 15

with the wind chill factor.

But, we bundled up,

and headed out for some FUN.

I asked Ben to take some pics of the kids,

as I wasn't too happy with what I found

when I made my new collage for the blog header.

So ... some new pics of the Young Ones.

Thanks Ben!

Elijah - 9

Rachel - 9

Josiah - 10

Sarah - 12

Hosanna - 14

And, a SILLY pic of Papa.

God's BEAUTIFUL Creation

I hope you all had a BLESSED weekend.

The Power of Prayer

Have any of you read any of Stormie Omartian's books on Prayer?  She's written quite a few, including ...

The Power of a Praying Wife

The Power of a Praying Husband

The Power of a Praying Woman

The Prayer that Changes Everything

I have appreciated Stormie's books for many years.  So, yesterday I bought one that I hadn't heard of before:

The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage

(previously published as: 

 Praying through the Deeper Issues of Marriage)

In this book,

Stormie addresses a LOT of common issues in Marriage ...

Communication Breakdown

Anger / Abuse

Forgiveness

Depression

Children

Finances

Outside Influences

Hardness of Heart

Our Top Priorities

The "D" Word

Infidelity

If Hope Seems Lost

While I look forward to reading through the whole book, this morning I skipped right to ...


Chapter 10:  If You Are No Longer Each Other's Top Priority


(which is what happened in our marriage ... I was no longer at the top of Papa's Priority List).

Stormie had some good things to say.

She shared scripture. 

She talked about how we must make God our  #1 priority, and then the other priorities will fall into place.

Today, however, what I really needed was the specific prayers that she has written out at the end of each chapter.

Have you ever been at a place where you just didn't know how to pray?  You didn't know what to pray?  

That's where I've been.

While I have found myself sitting in a Mud Puddle , and walking through a Dark Tunnel, I haven't always known how to pray.  I'm not angry with God.  I don't feel as if God has forgotten me.  But ... I haven't been able to pray.  I haven't had the words to describe all of the feelings that are racing through my mind.

Prayer has been a huge priority in my life for the past 34 years.  So, not being able to find the words to pray, has been a bit disheartening, to say the least.  I haven't necessarily felt distant from the Lord, but I know that I haven't felt as close to Him as I should in such a time as this.

Here is one of the prayers that Stormie shares in Chapter 10 ...

Prayer for Protection  (page 192)

Lord, I pray YOU would help (Jim) and me to always make You our top priority, and to make each other our priority under You.  Enable us to live in Your love so that we can learn to love each other the way You want us to.  Make us to be vessels through which Your love flows.  Show us how to establish right priorities in our marriage and in our family.

I pray that we will not do anything "through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind" may we esteem each other better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).  Help us to always find time for one another to be a help, support, encourager, uplifter, lover, companion, and sharer of good things.  Enable us to always bear the burden of the other concerning the difficult things that happen in life.  Help us to choose each other over the other seemingly important things that vie for our attention.  Teach us to set aside time to be together alone and to reaffirm each other as our top priority under You.  In our seasons of necessary busyness, help us to be understanding of one another and in agreement as to how to handle those times successfully.  Thank You that You have chosen us to be people for Yourself, "a special treasure" for Your glory (Deuteronomy 7:6).  Help us to always find our treasure in You above all else.  In Jesus' name I pray."

I wish I had learned to pray this prayer BEFORE we were in the midst of crisis.

Can you imagine the work that the Lord could/would do in each of our marriages, if we each committed to praying a prayer like this each and every day ... if we truly committed our priority lists to the Lord?

Stormie continued on with 2 more prayers for Chapter 10:

Prayer for Breakthrough in Me

Prayer for Breakthrough in My Husband/Wife

She really gets to the heart of the issues, whether we are the offender or the offended.  We each have things to pray through ... we each have healing that needs to take place.

I would recommend this book for any marriage, whether or not you are currently walking through a crisis.  We all need to learn how to pray for our marriages.

I'd love to hear if you've read any of Stormie's books ... and if they have helped you in your Prayer Journey.

A Bavarian Village

Two weeks ago, Papa and I snuck away for a few days.  While there were a couple of FAIL aspects of our little vacation, we did enjoy our time away.

Here are a few pics of Leavenworth, WA ... a Bavarian Village in the Cascade Mountains.  It was sooo... beautiful with the Christmas lights and freshly fallen snow.

My Shepherd

      He tends his flock like a shepherd: 

   He gathers the lambs in his arms 

    and carries them close to his heart; 

   he gently leads those that have young.

Isaiah 40:11

Thank you, Lord ... 

that you are My Shepherd.  

Thank you ... 

for gathering me in your arms.

Thank you ... 

for holding me close to your heart.

Thank you ... 

for leading me along this rocky path.

Carry me, O Lord ... 

when I have no strength to walk.

Help me to hear Your Heart ... 

when mine is broken,

seemingly beyond repair.

Lead me ... 

Guide me ... 

Show me the way ...

when my path is unclear.

Thank you, Lord ...

for calling my name ...

for bringing me back when I wander ...

for allowing me to be ... 

your precious lamb.

Needing More Than Just a Bandaid

Just so you know ...

Papa and I have been going to a Christian Counselor in order to work through our Marriage Crisis.  We are not trying to "do it on our own".  We are acknowledging that we need help; and we are actively seeking out the help that we need.

I would encourage any of you that are walking through a Crisis ... sitting in a Mud Puddle ... traveling through a Dark Tunnel ... to find a professional Christian Counselor to help you on your journey.

It is nothing to be ashamed of ... nothing to fear.  While God is THE amazing Healer, I believe that He also equips men and women to help others through the healing process.  Just as most of us would not be "too godly" to go to a medical doctor when we need medical assistance; we, too, need not feel that we are any less godly if we seek help from a mental health professional when our mental health needs a little fixing.

Papa and I are not going to just "put on a bandaid".   We are not going to get "plastic surgery" to cover up the scars.  No.  We are working to clean out any of the underlying infection and scar tissue that may have resulted from the scrapes and bruises gashes, open wounds, and broken bones that life has hit us with the past few years.

Grief ... and the Adopted Child

I wrote a post a few days ago about, The Mud Puddle of Grief.  It was about the Mud Puddle that my life is sitting in right now.  However, yesterday, as I was re-reading this post ... I realized how very applicable it is to our sweet young daughter who displays so many symptoms of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

If you have an adopted child, or if you know any families who have adopted children, I hope that you will re-read this excerpt from "The Wounded Woman", and think of all of the trauma that this child went through in order to even end up in an adoptive home.  How could they possibly NOT suffer from grief, to some degree?

Hoping it brings new insights, as it did for me.

"Growing out of the aftermath of deep wounds can be a scary, steep, and rocky road.  Tough terrain.  Sharp cliffs.  Unpredictable turns.  Darkness blinds us from being able to see beyond the end of our nose.  The journey down this road includes very intense internal reactions: denial, anxiety, guilt,sorrow, and anger.  The sum total of these reactions is what we call grief.  


Grief is not logical.
Grief is not linear.


There is nothing neat and tidy or orderly about this process.  If someone tries to apply a 1-2-3 formula to where you are in life right now, they're not doing you any favors.  Grief is chock-full of irrational, turbulent, confusing, and unpredictable cycles of emotion.  It is jam-packed with troubling, intrusive thoughts that don't pass through our mind when we are experiencing brighter days.


Our temper is short.
We feel guilty over little things.
We second-guess ourselves.
We love and hate at the same time.


We want to be alone,
and yet we crave close connections.


We can move from resigned hopelessness
to bold defiance in a single heartbeat.


Grief is a time of massive contradictions.  In my own personal experience, and for many others, grief has been nothing even close to a clean, step-by-step process.  On the contrary, the sorrow that grips our life is very confusing, and feelings typically race in and out without any logical progression.  Emotions are mixed, seemingly random.  In most cases they boil to the surface repeatedly ... and more frequently than we prefer.


God has wired us so that our pain serves a purpose.  It can tell us important information about our values our beliefs, and ourselves if we take time to tune in and listen.  Our feelings are a gift from God to propel us forward in the healing process.  There really isn't a strict order to the process, but something like a loose pattern of reactions can often be observed.

Choosing to Love ... Despite the Pain

I have been corresponding with a young woman who is also walking through a serious Marriage Crisis.  I believe that the encouragement that I gave to her yesterday, is also meant for some of you.  It is something that we all need to think about ... to process ... whether married or not ... 

Do we have any relationships 

that we just don't "feel" like fixing?

This young woman shared with me ...


"I wish I had your attitude. You have been hurt, but WANT to fix your relationship. I feel like I HAVE to fix it, even though I don't want to. I know I'm SUPPOSED to."




My response to her ...


"It is 100% natural for you to NOT want to fix things.  You are hurt.  You are angry.  You don't want to be hurt again.  I TOTALLY understand your FEELINGS.  I have felt that way ... but the Lord has told me from Day #1 of Our Crisis that I need to LOVE Jim and that I need to be COMMITTED to him.  So, I am choosing to love.  I am choosing commitment.  Even when I don't FEEL it."




Now, this is NOT to say that I have not felt love for Papa in the past 6 weeks.  No.  Not at all.  There are many days where I am FILLED to overflowing with my love for him (the love that the LORD has given me for my husband).  There are many days that I FEEL that Papa loves me.  However ... there are also days that I don't "feel the love" for Papa, and I am sure there are days when Papa doesn't feel much love for me either.  (It's probably pretty hard to unconditionally love your wife when she is choosing to sit in a Mud Puddle.)




I went on to share with this young wife and mother ...


"Even though today you probably cannot imagine loving your husband again ... I want to encourage you to CHOOSE to treat him in a loving manner ... to CHOOSE to go to counseling with the HOPE and TRUST that the LORD can do a mighty work in you and through you."




Are any of you in a relationship that you just don't FEEL like fixing?  With your husband ... or your mother ... or your sister or brother?  I hope that you will CHOOSE to ask GOD to help you know what to do about this relationship.  I pray that you will make the CHOICE to love unconditionally ... even if that love is not returned.


I believe that the LORD wants to bring HOPE and RESTORATION to relationships ... and He is waiting for US to make the right choice.


Today ... I am going to CHOOSE to love Papa, even though he hurt me deeply ... again ... just yesterday ... even though I woke up FEELING not much love for him.


You know what ... God spoke to me as He had me write this post.  He worked in my heart ... to encourage me ... even as I thought I was writing to encourage you.


After I wrote this post, I was going to take a drive ... to disappear for the afternoon ... to find a cave to hibernate in.  I probably would have nonchalantly told Papa, "see you later", with plans to stay gone for hours.


But, as I wrote this post, the Lord changed my feelings ... He brought back the LOVE ... He showed me that I need to FORGIVE yesterday's hurt and pain. Gosh ... I really was looking forward to sitting in my pain today.  Have you ever felt that way?

I must go find Papa now.  

I will CHOOSE to forgive him.  

I will pull him close.

I will tell him that I LOVE him.

Praising Jesus for the continuing work that He is doing in my life!  I hope you will ask Him to work in your heart, too.  It FEELS good!

The Dark Tunnel

One commenter recently said that I was "cryptic" ... that she wished sometimes that I could give more details of our crisis (but she fully understood and respected that I can't share details).  


No.  I can't/won't give details.  But, the Lord continues to give me analogies.  I hope that they help you to picture the path that Mama is walking on right now.  


Path???  That sounds like the beginning of another analogy.  (smile)



Our family is walking through a tunnel.


The tunnel has been very dark this past 6 weeks;
we've had a hard time finding our way;
but occasionally we get glimpses of light.




Today ...


...  the tunnel was dark.
     (I couldn't find the streams of light.)


...  the tunnel was rainy & cold.
     (I felt so alone.)


...  the tunnel brought back many memories of other 
     dark corners of the tunnels we've walked through.
     (time and time again, finding ourselves
      in the same dark corner of the tunnel)




Praying that we can find our way out of this Dark Tunnel.


Praying that the Lord will continue to show us glimpses
of light, even while we continue through the tunnel.


Praying that tomorrow will be a brighter day ...
that Mama can see the light, even in the darkness.

The Mud Puddle of Grief

Grief:  Deep Sorrow (especially caused 
        by someone's death)


Sorrow:  A Feeling of Deep Distress, 
         caused by Loss, Disappointment, 
         or other MisFortune;  the outward 
         expression of Grief


Distress:  Extreme Anxiety, Sorrow, or Pain




Grief.


What is Grief?


What does Grief look like?


Why do we Grieve?




I think that many of us would define grief as the feelings or emotions that are felt when someone close to us dies.  Yes.  That is definitely grief.


However, I believe that grief can encompass so much more.  And, I believe it is important for each of us to be able to define and understand grief, so that we know what we are facing when we find ourselves walking through it (or we have a friend or family member sitting in a Mud Puddle).


I don't believe I've ever really walked through the grief process before.  I have never had a close friend or family member die (except for my grandparents who were all in their late 80's or early 90's ... so I expected that they would be dying some time soon).  


I have walked through pain.  


I have walked through anxiety.  


But, grief?  No.  I don't believe I have ever really experienced it before this past month.


No.  No one died.  Therefore, it was difficult for me to even begin to understand all of the emotions that I was feeling.  However, I have experienced much loss and disappointment in the past 6 weeks ...




... loss of the marriage I thought I had.
     (even though I fully believe we will work 
       our way back to a GREAT marriage)




... loss of the dream of being a Pastor's Wife.
     


... loss of the dream of living on the island.
     (I LOVED living on the island last winter!)




... loss of our family income.
    (which causes a whole new level of anxiety)




... disappointment in my dear husband.




... disappointment in my abilities as a wife,
     to be able to keep my husband emotionally
     connected to the family.






I've been doing a lot of reading in the past 6 weeks.  A LOT of reading.  Each book I have read has been focused on helping me to process all that our family is walking through ... our Journey through this Mud Puddle.


Today, I thought I would share an excerpt from one of those books.  From some of your private emails, I know that some of you, also, are walking through grief.  You may not have even defined it yet.  So, I have 3 purposes for sharing this post with you ...


#1  To help you to understand what Mama 
     is walking through ... the Mud Puddle 
     that I've been sitting in.


#2  To help you understand and define
      your own grief, if you are sitting in
      a Mud Puddle.


#3  To help you to understand a friend or
     family member that might be sitting in a 
     Mud Puddle right now.  (This passage was 
     very helpful for Papa, in understanding the 
     emotional swings that I have been experiencing.)




This passage was taken from the book, "The Wounded Woman:  Hope & Healing for Those Who Hurt"  (page 49-50)


"Growing out of the aftermath of deep wounds can be a scary, steep, and rocky road.  Tough terrain.  Sharp cliffs.  Unpredictable turns.  Darkness blinds us from being able to see beyond the end of our nose.  The journey down this road includes very intense internal reactions:  denial, anxiety, guilt, sorrow, and anger.  The sum total of these reactions is what we call grief.  


Grief is not logical.
Grief is not linear.


There is nothing neat and tidy or orderly about this process.  If someone tries to apply a 1-2-3 formula to where you are in life right now, they're not doing you any favors.  Grief is chock-full of irrational, turbulent, confusing, and unpredictable cycles of emotion.  It is jam-packed with troubling, intrusive thoughts that don't pass through our mind when we are experiencing brighter days.


Our temper is short.
We feel guilty over little things.
We second-guess ourselves.
We love and hate at the same time.


We want to be alone,
and yet we crave close connections.


We can move from resigned hopelessness
to bold defiance in a single heartbeat.


Grief is a time of massive contradictions.  In my own personal experience, and for many others, grief has been nothing even close to a clean, step-by-step process.  On the contrary, the sorrow that grips our life is very confusing, and feelings typically race in and out without any logical progression.  Emotions are mixed, seemingly random.  In most cases they boil to the surface repeatedly ... and more frequently than we prefer.


God has wired us so that our pain serves a purpose.  It can tell us important information about our values our beliefs, and ourselves if we take time to tune in and listen.  Our feelings are a gift from God to propel us forward in the healing process.  There really isn't a strict order to the process, but something like a loose pattern of reactions can often be observed.




I hope this has helped you to have a better understanding of Grief.  I hope that this will help you to understand your own grief, or the grief of someone you love.


Walking through Grief is not fun.  It is hard.  It is confusing.


But, as the author points out, Grief can be "a gift from God to propel us forward in the healing process".   Since I know that I want to walk forward in the healing process, I know that I must sit in this Mud Puddle until I understand the Grief that put me here.


And, I am happy to report, Mama has had many more Good Days this week than Bad Days.  God is walking me through the healing process.  God is using the emotions of Grief, to help Papa and Mama move forward ... to help us climb up the rope that we had gotten to the end of.  Praise Him!!!

Is It Right to Share the TOUGH Stuff Publicly?

I got a note from a "concerned reader" this evening.  We attended church together 15 - 20 years ago; but, I haven't heard from her in at least 12 years.  I will be responding to her privately, but I also wanted to talk openly about the issue, since others of you might have the same questions/concerns.


I appreciate personal emails.  


I take all of your questions/concerns to heart.  


I discuss them with Papa, if need be 
(as I did with tonight's concerns).  


Yes.  I take your questions/concerns very seriously.




Tonight's "concerned reader" told me that she ...


"Came across (my) blog sometime last summer and have been looking on with increasing alarm, particularly since this past fall."


Increasing Alarm?!?!  For months?!?!  Why didn't she ever let me know that she had found my blog?  Just a quick note would have been so nice ...


She went on to tell me to ...


"Drop the blog.  ...   It is heartbreaking to see the D. marriage/family unraveling so publicly.  You all don't need an audience; it served its purpose with regard to the adoptions."


So many thoughts.


So many responses.


Where do I start?




"the D. marriage/family unraveling"


First of all ... the D. marriage/family is NOT "unraveling".  Yes, we are walking through a very difficult time.  But, we love each other dearly and we are 110% committed to working through our current situation.  I apologize if you have interpreted any of my recent posts as saying that our family was becoming unraveled ... falling apart.  Yes, we are walking through a crisis.  But, that does not mean that our marriage is at the end of its rope.  


Hmmm ???  New analogy.  Okay.  Maybe we were at the end of the rope.  But, we have a big, strong knot at the end of the rope and we are pulling ourselves back up (with the Lord's help).  And, when we got to the end of the rope, never once did either of us consider letting go.  No.  We held on tight, knowing that the Lord desired us to climb back up the rope.


Papa and I have loved each other for almost 30 years.  For most of those years we have had a GREAT marriage.  I sincerely apologize if I somehow implied that we were ready to "call it quits" ... that was not at all the intention of any of my recent blog posts. 




"unraveling so publicly"


Okay.  I understand your concerns.  But, while I have shared that we are in crisis, I have been very careful not to "air my dirty laundry".  I have in no way desired to malign my dear husband's character, nor to defame his reputation.  Papa has read all of my blog posts.  He is in complete agreement with what I have written.  


Papa has admitted that ...


After 8 months of living apart (while he ministered on the island), it became clearer and clearer that Jim and I were not only physically separated, but that he had become emotionally detached from his marriage and his family, as well.  This was, obviously, a devastating reality to face.  For a year and a half, he had given all of his time, energy, and emotions to his church family ... leaving nothing for his family at home.


Jim has confessed.  He has repented.  As soon as he realized the depth of his emotional detachment, he quit his job and came home immediately.  This ministry position was HARD.  Jim gave it 110% for 16 months.  It would have been a difficult position even if the children and I had been able to move to the island.  But, for whatever reason, the Lord did not allow for that to happen.  


We KNOW that the Lord called Jim to minister there.  We KNOW that the Lord allowed us to walk through such a difficult time.  We may not understand the "why's" behind everything that has happened; but we are certainly trusting the Lord to use all of the TOUGH stuff for His good ... for His glory.


Why is it wrong to share this publicly?  We have always wanted this blog to be a place of honesty ... a place that we can share our hearts with like-minded people ... a place that we can minister to others.




"you all don't need an audience.  It (the blog) served its purpose with regard to the adoptions"


This comment leads us to reevaluate and reiterate what the purpose of our blog is.  At the top of our blog, we share why this blog began, and what it has evolved into:


F.A.I.T.H. : Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him


THIS BLOG BEGAN AS A WAY TO SHARE THE FAITH STORY OF OUR GHANAIAN ADOPTION WITH OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. IT HAS EVOLVED INTO A FORMAT TO SHARE THE JOYS AND TRIALS OF LIVING A FAITH-FILLED LIFE AS THE PARENTS OF AN EXTRA LARGE HOMESCHOOLING FAMILY, AND TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AS AN ADVENTURE OF FAITH, AS WELL.

We want to "share the joys and trials of living a faith-filled life".  We don't want our blog to be a "Fairy Tale" ... all smiles and roses.  We want to share both the good and the bad ... the fun and the tough ... the sunshine and the mud puddles. 


In the right side bar, I share what my goals/desires for the Journey of Faith ministry are:




My passion for my ministry is to ...

... encourage women as they seek the Lord in their daily lives.

... encourage wives to selflessly love their husbands.

... encourage moms to train up their children to love and serve the Lord.

... encourage single women to wait patiently, as the Lord prepares them for their time to be a wife and mother.

I believe that I am most able to minister to other women because of my honesty ... because of my willingness to share the good and the bad ... because of my ability to admit that some days I can be found sitting in a Mud Puddle.


In order to "encourage women as they seek the Lord" ... I must be seeking the Lord, through the good days and the bad days.


In order to "encourage wives to selflessly love their husbands" ... I must be selflessly loving my husband, through the good times and the bad times.


In order to "encourage single women ... as the Lord prepares them for their time to be a wife" ... I must share with them that being a wife is NOT always easy ... it is NOT a "happily-ever-after" Fairy Tale.


I get quite a few personal emails from women that read my blog.  Some write to me to let me know that they are praying for me; while others write to me to ask for prayer.


Just today, I got an email from a woman who shared some devastating things that are happening in her marriage.  She knew that I was a safe person to share with.  She doesn't have anyone in her everyday life to walk through her crisis with ... but she knew that Mama D. would listen.  She knew that Mama D. would pray for her.  She knew that Mama D. would understand what it feels like to sit, crying in a mud puddle.


No.  I can't apologize for "going public" ... I don't believe this blog will have served its purpose if I fail to be honest with my readers.


I will continue to share my life with you (the good and the bad).


I will continue to pray for the Lord's discernment about what to share ... how much detail to share.


I will continue to get Papa's input as to what he is comfortable with me sharing.


And, I pray that the Lord will continue to use this blog as a way to minister for Him ... a place to share my heart ... an open door for others to share their hearts with me.


I hope that you will continue to write to me if you have questions or concerns about my blog, my life, my marriage, my family.  I do take your concerns very seriously ... even if I don't agree with the course of action that you believe I should take (to shut down the blog).


I am sorry if you feel I have "crossed the line" about what is appropriate to share about our personal family crisis.  I know that it is a very fine line to walk. Yet, while I understand that some of you are concerned about my sharing of these things publicly, I believe that many more of you have been ministered to because I have chosen to share publicly.  


Truly ... I just want the LORD to be glorified in all that I do and say ... may HIS light shine through this blog, even if/when Mama is sitting in a Mud Puddle.