Can Life Please Stop, For Just A Minute ...

So That I Can Take Time to Grieve?

I realize that you can never really 

"plan" for a miscarriage.  

But ... really ... the timing this week 

was CRAZY hard.

Papa has been unemployed ... 

for 3 months.  

He has had time to go 

EVERYWHERE with Mama ... 

for 3 months.  

But ... 

this week ... 

Papa wasn't able to be here ...

when Mama needed him most.

Wednesday

On Wednesday morning, 

Papa had to go to a New Job Orientation 

at 7:00 am., for his temporary position

at the local refinery.

On Wednesday morning, 

I had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound.

Therefore ... 

I was all alone ...

when I found out that our baby had died.  

I didn't have anyone to talk to ... 

no one to pray with ... 

no one to cry with ... 

no one to hold my hand.  

It was ... 

Oh. So. Hard.

I drove home ...

o.h ... s.o ...  v.e.r.y.  ...  s.l.o.w.l.y.  ...

I didn't want to go home,

and face the children.

But, I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I made it into the driveway.

I  s.l.o.w.l.y  made my way into the house.

I mumbled some greetings to the kids.

I made a bee-line for my bedroom.

Safe in bed.

I was too numb to even cry.

I fell into a restless sleep,

until Papa came home a few hours later.

I shared with Papa that our baby was gone.

We held each other for 1 short minute,

and then he reminded me that ... 

life must still go on ...

we had no time to grieve ...

I couldn't just pull the covers up and cry for awhile.

I got myself up.

Pulled myself together.

And ... off we went to Ben's track meet.

Near the end of the track meet,

Josh & Hannah arrived from across the state.

We haven't seen them since New Year's.

They are home for a couple of days for Spring Break.

After the track meet, 

Josh drove the kids home in the Big Van,

while Papa and I went grocery shopping.

(We were having LOTS of company this week,

and therefore needed LOTS of food.)

We got home from shopping at 9:30.

We told the children that our baby had died.

The children went to bed.

Papa went to bed. 

But, I couldn't join him.

I couldn't go to bed and grieve with him.

I couldn't go to bed and pray with him.

I couldn't go to bed and cry with him.

No ... 

I had cookies to make ...

and company to greet ...

I made cookie dough from 10:00-midnight,

for the 100+ cookies I needed for Friday's track meet.

Then, I stayed up and chatted with the teens until 

12:30 am when Dean & Cassie arrived from Minnesota.

Then, of course, I needed to chat with 

Dean & Cassie for a bit.

I finally crawled into bed about 2:00 am.

Too exhausted to even think too much

about the loss of our precious child.

Too tired to even cry.

Thursday

I had to get up at 8:00.

I had breakfast to make ... for 12 people.

Hosanna made Whole Wheat Pancakes,

which we served with Strawberries & Whipped Cream,

while I made Strawberry/Banana Smoothies.

Papa was gone again.  He had to leave at 6:00am to drive 
150 miles to a Teacher Job Fair; as he is hoping to get

a teaching job for next year.  So ... he wasn't here to grieve 
with me, nor to help me through a hard and busy day.

I think I took a short nap between breakfast

and lunch, but don't quite remember,

as the last few days have been such a blur.

After lunch, though, it was time to get to work

and get ready for a Big BBQ Dinner with 20

Friends & Family.


I had wheat to grind ...
and homemade hamburger buns to make ...
and Raspberry Salad to make ...

Dean had never visited our home before,

so Cassie had asked if we could invite friends

over to meet Dean.

Papa came home in time to start up the grill.

Gregg arrived shortly after.

Lindsey came to visit, as well.

Pretty soon, friends began to arrive.

We had a wonderful meal of BBQ hamburgers,

chicken burgers, raspberry salad, baked beans,

and chips.

After dinner, more friends arrived for dessert.

Soon, we had 25 people filling our living & dining rooms.

I served up the pie, brownies, and ice cream.

We played games for a couple of hours.

It was fun.

But ...

I still hadn't had time to grieve.

I hadn't had any alone time with Papa.

I couldn't "do life" and grieve at the same time,

so grieving got put on the back burner.

I finally crawled into bed ...

exhausted ...

and wondering when my body would miscarry ...

when I would really "lose" the baby.

The waiting game is ... Oh. So. Hard.

Friday

Papa was finally home for the day.

But ... we also had a house full of 14 people.

No.  

No time to grieve today.

We have too much to do.

After Breakfast Burritos and Fruit for breakfast,

I had cookies to bake for the Track Meet.

Remember, I had made the cookie dough

on Wed. night, but I still had 100+ cookies to bake.

Shortly before completing the baking of the cookies,

when I was oh so looking forward to a moment to relax,

I was reminded that I had Cinnamon Rolls to make,

for tomorrow's breakfast.  Oh dear!  Can't stop now.

I made the Cinnamon Roll dough,

and popped it into the refrigerator,

with just enough time to throw together

another Raspberry Salad (for the meet),

and then rushed around to get ready for the Track Meet.

This wasn't just any track meet.  No.  This was the biggest 
track meet of the year, that our team hosts.  Not only does 
our team host this 6 hour track meet (with 16 teams), 

but Papa & Mama had volunteered to be in charge 

of the hospitality room for all of the coaches

(thus the cookies and raspberry salad).

We picked up 30 pizzas from Papa Murphy's, before heading 
over to the school.  Not only did we get to set up and supervise 
the Hospitality Room for the coaches, but we got the privilege 
of baking the pizzas in the Home Ec. room and serving them

in the Coaches Room.

The track meet started at 3:30 and didn't get over until 9:30.

Papa and I were on our feet nearly the entire time ...

Papa running back and forth keeping track of the pizzas in 
the ovens; Mama keeping all the food and drink stocked,

and welcoming all of the coaches (and telling them what my 
yummy cookies were made of, when they asked).

While keeping track of pizzas and salads and

cookies and drinks, we also kept our eye on the track,

so that we could run out and take pictures for each

of Ben's 4 events.  And, what a GREAT meet Ben had.

He ran the 200m in the Medley Relay.

He ran the 100m., getting 2nd in his heat.

He set a P.R. (Personal Record) in the 200m.

His 4x400 team placed 2nd (out of 16 teams)

in the last race of the day.

And ... he had the BIGGEST and the BEST

Cheerleading Squad imaginable:

Dean & Cassie here from Minnesota.

Josh & Hannah here from across the state.

Gregg here from his new home, 150 miles away.

Vicky and all of the Young Ones, from here at home.

Side Note:  This was the very first track meet 

that Dean had ever been to, so he learned a lot, 

about our family and about track meets.

So, we got home at 10:00.

Can I go to bed yet?

Of course not.

I have Cinnamon Rolls to make for breakfast.

The Cinnamon Rolls were done by midnight,

and I did enjoy visiting with everyone while

I worked.

A friend of Cassie's had come over when we 

got home from the track meet.  So, we visited

with him until 1:00 am.

Another EXHAUSTING day.

No time to think.

No time to cry.

No time to talk to Papa.

No time to grieve.

Saturday

Up at 8:00 to make breakfast for The Gang.

Said our "Good-byes" to Dean & Cassie at 9:00.

Crawled back into bed at 9:30 ...

... and slept 

... and slept 

... got up at noon and ate a brownie

... back to bed by 12:30

... cried for awhile

... slept some more

... got up at 5:00.

It's now Saturday night ... 

at almost midnight.

It's been 3 1/2 days since we found out

that our baby died.


My heart has been crying silently ...
always wondering ...


"Doesn't anybody care?"


"Don't you realize how hard this is for Mama?"


"Is anyone else sad that our baby has died?"

Papa has been silent, 
caught up in the busyness of life.

(He was off at a painting job 

this afternoon and evening.)

The Young Ones haven't shown any interest 

in talking about it.

The Big Kids didn't say one word about it,

when they were here for 3 days.

I'm hurt.

I'm confused.

Am I really just supposed to walk this 

through all by myself (with the love and

prayers of my sweet bloggy friends)?

I'm still in "waiting mode",

wondering when my body will

decide to complete the miscarriage.

Maybe ...

tomorrow I can grieve.

Maybe ...

tomorrow the Lord will help my

body to complete the miscarriage.

Because ...

if not tomorrow ...

then life gets crazy busy again on Monday.

We have 6 dentist appts. on Mon. & Tues.

We have 6 baseball practices this week.

We have 5 track practices this week.

Papa will probably start his new job this week.

Yes ... 

tomorrow ...

I MUST take time to grieve ...

I MUST get time alone with Papa ...

we MUST make time to pray ...

we MUST make time to cry together.

THANK YOU for ALL of your sweet comments and 
emails.  You have no idea how much your words have 
meant to me this week ... how MUCH I needed to

hear from each of you.

Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow,

and this coming week.

Grieving ...

I had an ultrasound appointment yesterday.

We did not receive good news.

We lost the baby.

We now wait for my body to miscarry.

So sad.

So hard.

Please pray for us as we deal with our loss.

A Fun Photo Shoot

Our friend, Kymberly, is hoping/planning to
start her own photography business.

So, we begged, pleaded, let her have a
practice shoot with our kids.

Kymberly had fun.

The kids had fun.

And ... we got some GREAT new pictures of the kids,
which is always a BIG bonus for this Mama.

The 4 young ones had these nice new outfits for
Jeremiah and Ashleigh's wedding in December,
and Mama was sad that we didn't get any
good pics of the kids at the wedding.  So, they
were the perfect outfits for this photo shoot.

Hosanna discovered Mama's 29 year old Cowboy Boots,
while preparing for our Texas Cowgirl Wedding Reception,
so Hosanna knew exactly what she wanted to wear for
the photo shoot.

Here are just a few of the wonderful pictures
that Kymberly took ...

Thanks, Kymberly!!!

The R.A.D. Road to Relationships

As Papa and I continually work through the challenges of R.A.D (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and its affects on our Little Miss, I am doing more reading ... of books and of blogs.  (We had to put RAD on the back burner for a bit, as we worked to keep our marriage together, after our Marriage Crisis in December.)


Today, I want to share a couple of blog posts with you that have really spoken to us recently ...




I discovered Marty's Blog recently, and have really appreciated her transparency, thoughts, and insights.  She wrote "Onions & Butterfingers", which is a great analogy of her 2 adopted children "one is sweet, and one has many layers".  She also wrote THIS post, where her son told her, "You hurt my feelings.  I feel like you are shoving God down my throat.  I feel ... I feel ... I feel ..."  You might also enjoy her post on "Fairy Tales and Real Life".




I have also been reading Courtney's Blog.  
PLEASE read "Layers of Loss" 

... if you have adopted 

... if you know anyone who has adopted 

... if you've ever wondered exactly 
    how RAD affects a family 

... if you've ever questioned the 
    parenting style of adoptive parents 

... if you ever questioned how we could, 
    possibly, disrupt the adoption of our son.  

If you pop over and read just 1 post ... THIS is the one to read.




Then, there is Julie's Blog.  She recently wrote a post about the day she saw, "The Beginnings of Healing" ... 9 long years after bringing her son home.




I also want to recommend my Dear Bloggy Friend Kim's Blog.  Oh my!  Always sooo.... full of encouragement.  Awhile back she wrote, "Proverbs ... On Hard Kids".  I hope you'll pop over for some wonderful, Scriptural encouragement for the parenting of challenging children.




If you know of any other blogs that bring encouragement to adoptive parents of challenging children ... please let me know.  It would be great to have a "resource list" for others struggling along the same journey.

Ready ... Set ... Go ....

Ben had his first Track Meet last week, and we are all excited!  The whole family LOVES to go watch Ben run.

Ben ran the 100, 200, and 4x400 Relay.  He ran well, in all 3 races ... with his 4x400 team taking 1st Place.

While he certainly enjoyed his season last year on the island, he is excited to be back on our "Home Team" ... the team that 3 of his older siblings have run for ... with a WONDERFUL Christian coach.  This is a much bigger school than the little school on the island, so the team is a lot more competitive, with a lot of fast runners.  But, Ben is looking forward to the challenge.

Ben ... 2nd from the Right.

Ben ... in the Center.

Run, Ben, Run!!!

Hosanna will start track, 

with the Middle School team, 

at the beginning of April.

And ...

Sarah, Josiah, Rachel, & Elijah

are all looking forward to the start

of BASEBALL season.

Yes ...

We will have 6 kids on 6 teams this spring,

but we LOVE to be their CHEERLEADERS!

Praising Jesus for Our New Church Family

One of the big questions ... and very difficult decisions to make ... after Papa quit his job and moved home from the island ... was to decide where to go to church.

I had had a very difficult time at our "old church" during the 8 months living apart from Papa.  But, I hadn't wanted to visit new churches without Papa, never knowing if or when the children and I would be able to join Papa on the island.   So, the kids and I had continued to attend our "old church", but it was a very lonely time of church attendance.  We just went ... and came home ... with no real contact with anyone.  We just sat in "our row" ... by ourselves ... wishing that we were somehow connected.

We visited a couple of churches right after Papa came home.  It was HARD, though.  We were walking through SUCH a difficult time, that I couldn't even imagine getting involved in ministry, or even building new friendships (as Papa and I were working so hard to just hold our marriage together).  But, we knew that it was important ... and we knew that our kids needed to get plugged in somewhere.  So, we kept going ... even on days we didn't want to pull ourselves out of bed on Sunday morning.

Thankfully, it didn't take us long to find a place that we felt good about.  The Lord was clearly leading and guiding us.

We have a new church home.


Thank you, Jesus!

We have a WONDERFUL new pastor!

We went from a 2,000 member church to a
250 member church.

People welcome us EVERY week ...
they introduce themselves ...
they invite us to things ...
they really WANT to get to know us.

The children are enjoying Sunday School.
The teens are enjoying the Youth Program.
Papa & Mama are enjoying Adult Sunday School.
We can still all WORSHIP together,
which is VERY important to us,
since we all go to Sunday School after worship.

We used to attend church on Saturday night.
We left for church at 6:45 and were home by 8:30.
Now, we attend church on Sunday morning.
We leave for church at 9:00 and don't get home until 12:45.
And ... we LOVE being at church for 3 hours ...
worshipping ... fellowshipping ... making new friends.

A new small group started up,
and we were invited to join the very first week.
There are 4 couples and 1 single mom.
3 of us each have 2 internationally adopted daughters.

The church had a BIG Garage Sale last week.
The church secretary phoned a few days beforehand,
and told us that someone had donated $100 for
us to shop at the Garage Sale.  Wow!

We met one couple, and upon finding out that Papa
was unemployed they immediately told us that
they had just bought 1/2 a beef, and they wanted
to share with us.  Yesterday, they gave us a cooler
full of roasts and steaks.

We met another couple, who immediately told
us that they would like to invite ALL of us
out on their 50 ft. boat when the weather
warms up.  ALL of us???  Seriously???

Jim met a man, who immediately invited him to
a men's retreat in May, and offered to pay his way.

We met a couple ... who are the same ages as Papa & Me ...
who have 2 young girls (ages 6 & 9 ... internationally adopted)
and the parents are considering adopting a younger child.  So,
we have FRIENDS ... our age ... who have "young ones" ...
and don't think we are CRAZY to be having another baby.

We are BLESSED BEYOND BELIEF by this
New Church Family that the Lord has led us to.

Thank You, Jesus !!!

Park Days with Papa

One of the BIG benefits of having Papa home the past 3 months (in addition to our Marriage Transformation) is all of the time that he has been able to spend PLAYING with the kids.  


During the colder, wetter days of winter ... Papa and the kids could be found playing many board games (with Mama joining in on the card games).


Now that we are seeing hints of spring, and having the occasional non-rainy days ... Papa and the kids can be found at the local parks.  Yea for spring!


Papa has taught the children his childhood version of "Kickball".  It is unlike any kind of kickball that Mama grew up playing, but the kids are loving it.  And, I think Papa is enjoying himself, too.


I can't even begin to explain the rules ... but I think a few pictures will show that the most important thing is happening:  

Whether You Win Or Lose, 

It's All About Having FUN!

Mama LOVES to see the Teens 

out playing with the Young Ones.

Papa is having as much fun as the kids.

Thoughts on Short-Term Mission Trips

Here is a MUST READ ...

... if you are thinking about or planning a Mission Trip.

... if you are going to lead a Mission Trip.

... if you know someone going on a Mission Trip
    that you can pass along this link to.

... if you have children that are planning to
    go on a Mission Trip.

... or, if you are just interested in any aspect of missions.


I hope you will hop over to the Livesay's Blog to read

Thinking Through Short Term Missions

URGENT Prayer Needed!

Please PRAY for this Precious Little Girl.  She just arrived in the U.S., after being adopted from the Ukraine.  She was rushed straight to the hospital ... as she is dying.


The doctors here ... were brought to tears.


The doctors have said ... it is a MIRACLE that she is alive.


No.  She doesn't appear to have heart problems.


No.  She doesn't appear to have a critical illness.


Why, then, is she dying???


She is dying ... from starvation.


Yes.  Starvation.


She is 3 years old ... and weighs just 11 pounds.


She was not living on the streets.


She was not living in a poverty-stricken village.


No.

She was living ... in ... an ... orphanage,
and she was dying ... of ... starvation.


I.

Just.

Cannot.

Wrap.

My.

Head.

Around.

It.


Please pray for Carrington ... and the
Burman Family that adopted her.
And, click over to HER STORY to
see photos of this precious child of God,
neglected by man ... but love by Our Lord.