Responding to Your Thoughts and Questions

I want to respond to a few of the thoughts and questions that have come up this week, in the comments and in personal emails to me.


First of all, though, a BIG THANK YOU for ALL of your love and support.  You have no idea how much your words of encouragement and your prayers have meant to me.  (As most of you know, we don't have any involved extended family.  We don't have any grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins that we call on in times of crisis.  No.  YOU are our family, and we appreciate you all so very much.)




1.  Why?


Some of you may have struggled with the fact that I am even asking the question, "Why?".  Some people believe that we should never question God.  As I said in my last post, I am not one that usually questions God.  However, in Bible Study Fellowship this year, our Teaching Leader talked about the times we question God, and she said something that really struck me.  She said ... 

"It is okay to question God's will, 

as long as we do not question God's character."

As I said in my last post, I am not in any way doubting my faith; yet I am honestly asking the Lord to show me some of the "Why?"  

I don't question who God is.  

I don't question His absolute power 

and authority over my life.  

But, I think it's okay to say to Him, 

"Hey God, I'm just a little bit confused 

about the details of this past month.  

I'd love to have a few answers, if I could."

Now, a couple of you may have even answered that question for me today.  Maybe, it has nothing to do with what I need to learn; but, maybe the Lord allowed me to walk through this because He is teaching YOU something.  And ... you know what ... I am okay with that.  Seriously.  If, somehow, the Lord can shine His light through me ... in the midst of my tears ... my questions ... my pain.  Then, it's worth it.  There doesn't have to be any other reason.  But, if He wants to teach me (or Papa, or the children) something, as well, then we eagerly await His answers to our questions.

2.  Grief.

While some of you may think that it's time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with life (ie:  quit the whining), I want to remind you of a post I wrote in January.

I told you about the Mud Puddle that I found myself sitting in, in the middle of our Marriage Crisis.  I explained that I am one that usually pulls myself up by the bootstraps, but that the Lord was teaching me that sometimes it is good for me to learn to sit in the mud ... to learn how to rest in His arms, and allow myself to grieve.  I just reread that post, and it could have been written this week.  That is exactly how I have been feeling this week.

I went on to write a 2nd post in January, about The Mud Puddle of Grief, where I explained all that the Lord was teaching me about grief.  Who would have ever guessed that just 2 months later, I would be found grieving in my mud puddle again.  Oh. So. Hard.

3.  When does LIFE begin?

One reader told me that since my baby had not developed properly (as shared in A Difficult Decision), rather than developing properly and then failing to have a heartbeat, that I maybe should not grieve as much because it was ... 

Never.   Really.   A.   Baby.  

WHAT?!?!  

REALLY?!?!

We believe that a child is created at the moment of conception.  Whether my child lived 1 minute ... 1 hour ... 1 day ... 1 month ... 2 months ... DOES NOT MATTER.  Papa and I conceived a child.  That child has died.  We are grieving our loss.  Period.

4.  How long should we grieve?

Another reader implied that it was time to stop grieving.  Now, I do not know how they came to that conclusion.  But, I beg to differ.

Grief is different ... for every person ... in every situation.

Am I supposed to be done grieving because I was "only" 8 weeks pregnant?  Would I be allowed to grieve longer if I was 18 weeks pregnant?  Or, is 35 weeks the starting point for allowable grief?

If you agree that it is acceptable for a woman to grieve longer if her pregnancy lasted longer, then this would also be true ...

I should grieve less if my 10 year old died, than if my 20 year old died.  Right?  Because I have known my 20 year old longer? 

NO!!!  This thinking is Just. Plain. Wrong.

My grief will look different than the grief of any other mother.  Whether I grieve for 3 days or 3 months, I must be "allowed" to grieve.  No one has the right to tell me what my heart is feeling.  No one has the right to put limits on anyone else's grief.

And ... one last thought ... I want to explain to you that the grief I have this time is much different than the grief I had when I lost a baby during pregnancy 19 years ago.  Yes.  Very different.  19 years ago, I had no doubt that I would be able to have more children (I'd already had 6 children in 6 years).  I moved through my grief fairly quickly, and got pregnant less than a year later.  Now ... I doubt that will be the case.  I am grieving not only the loss of this child, but I am grieving the fact that it is very unlikely that I will EVER carry another child in my womb.  

Don't worry.  

I'll pick myself up and dust myself off.  

I'll move on with life.  

You won't have to listen to me 

"whine" for much longer.  

But, please, give me a little space ... 

a little "allowance" for grief.

5.  THANK YOU!!!

Because I don't want to end this post with the tough questions you have asked (or surprising comments you have made), I want to share a few of your comments that have BLESSED me this week.

"I think you're setting a great (real) example as a Christian.  So many people try to sweep the tough stuff under the carpet so that everything looks neat & tidy.  The reality is, life gets downright painful sometimes.  I am so sorry for your pain, but I am proud of you for being real."

"My why question would be - why would you have to live so far away when I really want to be close to give you hugs and pray with you in person right now?"

"Why you ask?  ... I continue to search your blog daily for your Godly example.  You have taught me how important my marriage is, how important my family is, how important my life with Christ is, and you have also taught me to be more selfless and have more compassion ... need I go on?  I don't personally know you, but daily I seek your blog first because I glean so much from your life. ...  You have given me hope.  I feel like you are one of the people that God has put in my path to help me to be a graceful Godly woman.  WHY you ask?  For me.  For the many many other ladies who read your blog faithfully and pray for you and hurt with you, for those who I mentor with your stories and your example.  God is using you in a much larger capacity than you know."


"Finding you and reading your posts I have found strength in your faith.  I cry when you go through struggles but I see how you pick yourself up and find a way to keep your family going.  You give me hope.  You have helped me to not feel so alone in the world.  I see you keep going and still have faith.  It gets shaken, I see that, but you still hold on.  It makes me feel like I can too.  You are an example and light to others. ...  I thank you.  Thank you for your light.  You don't hide it."

Thank you!  

As I said earlier, if I can somehow 

shine the Light of Jesus in the midst of ... 

... my pain ... my questions ... my tears ... 

then it's worth it.

My heart ... my prayer ... my passion 

is to share my life (through my blog) 

in a way that brings glory to Him, and Him alone.

When I ask for your prayers, 

I am not looking for your pity,

just honestly asking for prayer,

because I know the POWER that

can come from interceding 

for one another.

When I share any Good News, 

I hope you will rejoice with me.

When I share my grief, 

I pray that I may help someone else 

as they grieve.

When I share my tears,

I hope that someone else will know,

"It's okay to cry."

Thanks for walking with me,

on this journey called life.

Thanks for rejoicing with me in the good times,

and crying with me through the pain.

I am BLESSED by your friendships.

WHY ?!?!

I've been struggling this past week,
with the big question of, "Why???"


But, it may not be the "Why?"
that you think it is.




I am usually NOT a big "Why?" asker.




I have never questioned God about my childhood:


...  why I was raised in an abusive home.


...  why I was s*xually abused as a teen.


...  why my parents divorced.


...  why I was disowned by my wealthy grandparents.






I have not questioned God about the many
serious trials our family has walked through:


...  why I battled endometriosis for 12 years.


...  why I got thyroid cancer.


...  why my van got hit by a semi-truck.


...  why my 3 year old nearly died 
     from bacterial meningitis.


...  why my eldest son, serving in Iraq,
     had to watch his friends die in battle.






No.  I really have not asked God "Why?"
in any of those situations.




But.  


Now.  


I find myself asking, "Why???"




However.  I am not asking God,
"Why did my baby die?"




No.




I am asking God ...


"Why did I conceive this child, when You knew
 that I was going to have to say, "good-bye"
 before I even got the chance to say, "hello"?




That is the question that racks my brain.




That is the question that has me stumped.




That is the question that I ponder throughout the day.




I.  Just.  Don't.  Get.  It.




We had just barely survived our Marriage Crisis.




We were struggling through unemployment.




We were not thinking of having another baby.




We had no hopes and dreams for another child.




We were perfectly content to wait for grandbabies.




So.




Why?!?!?!?!?




Sometimes, God allows trials for specific reasons.


I understand that.


I get that.




But.  




Really?!?!?!




Did God think we needed another trial 
to keep us humble?




Did God think we needed to lose another
child in order to have more compassion?




Did God think we were getting complacent?




How could He possibly think any of this?!?!




3 1/2 years of back-to-back crises ...
have certainly kept us humble.




Endometriosis, cancer, and the loss of a baby
19 years ago ... have given us compassion.




Complacency?  Nothing could be further from
the truth right now for my life.




So.




Why ... did God allow me to get pregnant,
when the chances of a 49 year old even
conceiving are so very low?




Why ... did God allow us to hope and dream
about the life of this precious child, when He
knew we would never see his/her face?




What ... does God want us to learn from this?




I KNOW that God has a purpose in each and
every trial that He allows us to walk through.




I KNOW that God is holding our hands right now.




I KNOW that God has a purpose and plan for
the life of our family, even when it is very
hard to decipher at times.




But.




Right now.




I just have to wonder ...




What was God's purpose,


in giving life to this precious child,


for.  just.  eight.  weeks.   ???

Just In Case You Are Wondering ...

I am still in bed.
(day #3)


I am still in pain. 
(w/ lots of cramping ...
think: inducing labor for 3 days straight)


I am still dealing with the yuck of messiness.
(no need for details on this one)


I can't even really process the emotional pain,
when just trying to survive the physical pain,
and navigate the messiness.


Thanks for your continued prayers!


Time for another nap ...

Feeling a Little Like Moses

When walking through trials, I've always "held on", knowing that a new day would come.




When battling the storms of life, I've always "stayed strong", knowing that the rain would stop and the sun would shine again one day.




However ...




Recently ...




I've begun to wonder ...




Will a "New Day" ever come for our family?




Will the rain every stop?




Will the sun ever shine down on us again?




How many years did Moses walk in the desert ... leading the way to the Promised Land?




How many years will we walk through crisis ... after crisis ... after crisis ... hoping for a Promised Land?




You know what?  Moses never made it to the Promised Land.  No.  He died out there in the desert.




I have to wonder ... will we ever make it to any type of Promised Land for our family ... or will we continue to walk in the desert (battling one crisis after another) until the end of our days?




I know that the Lord has never promised us a "happily ever after".




I know that the Lord has walked with us each and every step of the way ... in each and every crisis.




I am not, in any way, doubting my faith.




No.




I'm just tired.  




Worn out.  




Exhausted ... from the storms of life that have battled our family continually for the past 3 1/2 years.




A very difficult adoption process.


The transition of adding 3 children to the family.


The loss of my job, due to a political "mess" in our school district.


The realities of R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder).


Our Adoption Crisis.


Papa's career transition.


False Accusations and the C.P.S. Case.


Living apart from Papa for much too long.


Our Marriage Crisis.


Unemployment.


And ... now ...


...  the loss of this precious child,
     that we thought was ... 


... the promise of a New Day for our family. 


... the first step into our Promised Land. 


... the first ray of sunshine after the storms.




Seriously.  I'm beginning to lose hope that there will ever be a Promised Land for our family.




Must I resign myself to living in Crisis Mode for the rest of my years?




Crying out to the LORD tonight ...

Comfort Food

It's now almost 6:00 pm.  Aside from a small bowl of sherbet while watching our movie last night, I have not eaten in 24 hours.

I haven't been hungry.

I've felt horrible.

But ... Papa says I need to eat.

So ... I sent him off to buy me some Comfort Food.

Where?  You ask.  Does Mama go for Comfort Food?


T*co Time


Am I weird, or what?

I am not a big cookie or cake fan.

I can make pies without eating a piece.

I am not a big chocolate fan.
(I do like it, but I don't "need" it.)

So what is Mama craving tonight?

What is going to fill her belly and
make her feel better?


Chicken Tostada Salad
w/ non-fat sour cream and pico de gallo
(yummy, and healthy, too)


Large M*xi-Fries
(so not healthy ... but good)


Large Ice Tea
(w/ a packet of sweetner)


Yep.  That's what Mama craves when I need a
Pick-Me-Up.


How about you?


What type of Comfort Food to you crave,
when you're feeling down?

A Difficult Decision

When I had my ultrasound last Wednesday,  I was told that my miscarriage was more than just a lack of heartbeat, it was a case of a non-developing baby.  While I appreciated several of you who shared stories of being told that a baby had died (due to lack of heartbeat), only to find out later that it hadn't, the doctor was certain this was not the case.


I was given 3 options:


#1  Wait for my body to naturally miscarry.


#2  Take medication to induce the process of miscarriage.


#3  Have a surgical D & C to complete the miscarriage.


The doctor didn't have any medical preference for me; she said it was fully up to me to make the decision.


Since I knew how Crazy Busy things were going to be for the next several days, I decided to take the "wait and see" approach.  I would see if things progressed naturally; and, if not, make a decision after the Crazy Busy weekend.


Yesterday, after the last of the company were on their way home, Papa and I did have some time together ... time to just BE together ... time to grieve together ... time to process together.  We went to the beach and took a walk.  We went out to dinner at our favorite Mexican Restaurant.  We came home, snuggled up, and watched a movie together.  It was good.


Then ... I was ready to make the decision.


I had had a few signs of natural miscarriage ... enough to confirm to me that, yes, my baby had died.


Having had a D & C 19 years ago, I didn't really see a need for heading to the hospital for surgery.


So, I took the medication.  And waited ...


I had a bit of cramping, but not much "action".


Six hours later (at 2:00 am), I took the 2nd dose.


The induction of the miscarriage didn't take long.


I really had no idea what I was going to experience.  It was far worse than I ever imagined.


I hardly slept all night.


I had never experienced cramping like this before.


Several hours later ... the bleeding began (sorry to be graphic, but there is no other way to describe what is happening today).


Nothing can describe the hours and hours of pain ... the mad rush to the bathroom ... and the mess. (I could get really graphic here ... but I won't.  Just trust me, it's BAD.  Let's just say, I have a pile of clothes and towels that will be thrown away.)


Sadly, my doctor really did not prepare me in the decision-making process.  Pain ... I can handle.  Mess ... not so much.  Oh how I wish that I had just gone in for a D & C.


I have done some internet reading today, and wish that I had done it before making the decision.  What I am experiencing is pretty normal, with this medication.  Not fun ... but normal.  It can last for hours ... or days ... or weeks.  I am praying for a speedy process.


Please pray for me today and tomorrow, as I stay in bed and continue to walk through the miscarriage process.  It is  ...  So. Not. Fun.  ...  physically or emotionally.



Update:  Papa just asked if I need a diaper.  I'm seriously considering sending him to the store to buy me some Depends.  I don't know what else to do.  Ugh!  Have any of you ever taken medication to induce a miscarriage?  I just had no idea what to expect.

Can Life Please Stop, For Just A Minute ...

So That I Can Take Time to Grieve?

I realize that you can never really 

"plan" for a miscarriage.  

But ... really ... the timing this week 

was CRAZY hard.

Papa has been unemployed ... 

for 3 months.  

He has had time to go 

EVERYWHERE with Mama ... 

for 3 months.  

But ... 

this week ... 

Papa wasn't able to be here ...

when Mama needed him most.

Wednesday

On Wednesday morning, 

Papa had to go to a New Job Orientation 

at 7:00 am., for his temporary position

at the local refinery.

On Wednesday morning, 

I had to go to the doctor for an ultrasound.

Therefore ... 

I was all alone ...

when I found out that our baby had died.  

I didn't have anyone to talk to ... 

no one to pray with ... 

no one to cry with ... 

no one to hold my hand.  

It was ... 

Oh. So. Hard.

I drove home ...

o.h ... s.o ...  v.e.r.y.  ...  s.l.o.w.l.y.  ...

I didn't want to go home,

and face the children.

But, I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I made it into the driveway.

I  s.l.o.w.l.y  made my way into the house.

I mumbled some greetings to the kids.

I made a bee-line for my bedroom.

Safe in bed.

I was too numb to even cry.

I fell into a restless sleep,

until Papa came home a few hours later.

I shared with Papa that our baby was gone.

We held each other for 1 short minute,

and then he reminded me that ... 

life must still go on ...

we had no time to grieve ...

I couldn't just pull the covers up and cry for awhile.

I got myself up.

Pulled myself together.

And ... off we went to Ben's track meet.

Near the end of the track meet,

Josh & Hannah arrived from across the state.

We haven't seen them since New Year's.

They are home for a couple of days for Spring Break.

After the track meet, 

Josh drove the kids home in the Big Van,

while Papa and I went grocery shopping.

(We were having LOTS of company this week,

and therefore needed LOTS of food.)

We got home from shopping at 9:30.

We told the children that our baby had died.

The children went to bed.

Papa went to bed. 

But, I couldn't join him.

I couldn't go to bed and grieve with him.

I couldn't go to bed and pray with him.

I couldn't go to bed and cry with him.

No ... 

I had cookies to make ...

and company to greet ...

I made cookie dough from 10:00-midnight,

for the 100+ cookies I needed for Friday's track meet.

Then, I stayed up and chatted with the teens until 

12:30 am when Dean & Cassie arrived from Minnesota.

Then, of course, I needed to chat with 

Dean & Cassie for a bit.

I finally crawled into bed about 2:00 am.

Too exhausted to even think too much

about the loss of our precious child.

Too tired to even cry.

Thursday

I had to get up at 8:00.

I had breakfast to make ... for 12 people.

Hosanna made Whole Wheat Pancakes,

which we served with Strawberries & Whipped Cream,

while I made Strawberry/Banana Smoothies.

Papa was gone again.  He had to leave at 6:00am to drive 
150 miles to a Teacher Job Fair; as he is hoping to get

a teaching job for next year.  So ... he wasn't here to grieve 
with me, nor to help me through a hard and busy day.

I think I took a short nap between breakfast

and lunch, but don't quite remember,

as the last few days have been such a blur.

After lunch, though, it was time to get to work

and get ready for a Big BBQ Dinner with 20

Friends & Family.


I had wheat to grind ...
and homemade hamburger buns to make ...
and Raspberry Salad to make ...

Dean had never visited our home before,

so Cassie had asked if we could invite friends

over to meet Dean.

Papa came home in time to start up the grill.

Gregg arrived shortly after.

Lindsey came to visit, as well.

Pretty soon, friends began to arrive.

We had a wonderful meal of BBQ hamburgers,

chicken burgers, raspberry salad, baked beans,

and chips.

After dinner, more friends arrived for dessert.

Soon, we had 25 people filling our living & dining rooms.

I served up the pie, brownies, and ice cream.

We played games for a couple of hours.

It was fun.

But ...

I still hadn't had time to grieve.

I hadn't had any alone time with Papa.

I couldn't "do life" and grieve at the same time,

so grieving got put on the back burner.

I finally crawled into bed ...

exhausted ...

and wondering when my body would miscarry ...

when I would really "lose" the baby.

The waiting game is ... Oh. So. Hard.

Friday

Papa was finally home for the day.

But ... we also had a house full of 14 people.

No.  

No time to grieve today.

We have too much to do.

After Breakfast Burritos and Fruit for breakfast,

I had cookies to bake for the Track Meet.

Remember, I had made the cookie dough

on Wed. night, but I still had 100+ cookies to bake.

Shortly before completing the baking of the cookies,

when I was oh so looking forward to a moment to relax,

I was reminded that I had Cinnamon Rolls to make,

for tomorrow's breakfast.  Oh dear!  Can't stop now.

I made the Cinnamon Roll dough,

and popped it into the refrigerator,

with just enough time to throw together

another Raspberry Salad (for the meet),

and then rushed around to get ready for the Track Meet.

This wasn't just any track meet.  No.  This was the biggest 
track meet of the year, that our team hosts.  Not only does 
our team host this 6 hour track meet (with 16 teams), 

but Papa & Mama had volunteered to be in charge 

of the hospitality room for all of the coaches

(thus the cookies and raspberry salad).

We picked up 30 pizzas from Papa Murphy's, before heading 
over to the school.  Not only did we get to set up and supervise 
the Hospitality Room for the coaches, but we got the privilege 
of baking the pizzas in the Home Ec. room and serving them

in the Coaches Room.

The track meet started at 3:30 and didn't get over until 9:30.

Papa and I were on our feet nearly the entire time ...

Papa running back and forth keeping track of the pizzas in 
the ovens; Mama keeping all the food and drink stocked,

and welcoming all of the coaches (and telling them what my 
yummy cookies were made of, when they asked).

While keeping track of pizzas and salads and

cookies and drinks, we also kept our eye on the track,

so that we could run out and take pictures for each

of Ben's 4 events.  And, what a GREAT meet Ben had.

He ran the 200m in the Medley Relay.

He ran the 100m., getting 2nd in his heat.

He set a P.R. (Personal Record) in the 200m.

His 4x400 team placed 2nd (out of 16 teams)

in the last race of the day.

And ... he had the BIGGEST and the BEST

Cheerleading Squad imaginable:

Dean & Cassie here from Minnesota.

Josh & Hannah here from across the state.

Gregg here from his new home, 150 miles away.

Vicky and all of the Young Ones, from here at home.

Side Note:  This was the very first track meet 

that Dean had ever been to, so he learned a lot, 

about our family and about track meets.

So, we got home at 10:00.

Can I go to bed yet?

Of course not.

I have Cinnamon Rolls to make for breakfast.

The Cinnamon Rolls were done by midnight,

and I did enjoy visiting with everyone while

I worked.

A friend of Cassie's had come over when we 

got home from the track meet.  So, we visited

with him until 1:00 am.

Another EXHAUSTING day.

No time to think.

No time to cry.

No time to talk to Papa.

No time to grieve.

Saturday

Up at 8:00 to make breakfast for The Gang.

Said our "Good-byes" to Dean & Cassie at 9:00.

Crawled back into bed at 9:30 ...

... and slept 

... and slept 

... got up at noon and ate a brownie

... back to bed by 12:30

... cried for awhile

... slept some more

... got up at 5:00.

It's now Saturday night ... 

at almost midnight.

It's been 3 1/2 days since we found out

that our baby died.


My heart has been crying silently ...
always wondering ...


"Doesn't anybody care?"


"Don't you realize how hard this is for Mama?"


"Is anyone else sad that our baby has died?"

Papa has been silent, 
caught up in the busyness of life.

(He was off at a painting job 

this afternoon and evening.)

The Young Ones haven't shown any interest 

in talking about it.

The Big Kids didn't say one word about it,

when they were here for 3 days.

I'm hurt.

I'm confused.

Am I really just supposed to walk this 

through all by myself (with the love and

prayers of my sweet bloggy friends)?

I'm still in "waiting mode",

wondering when my body will

decide to complete the miscarriage.

Maybe ...

tomorrow I can grieve.

Maybe ...

tomorrow the Lord will help my

body to complete the miscarriage.

Because ...

if not tomorrow ...

then life gets crazy busy again on Monday.

We have 6 dentist appts. on Mon. & Tues.

We have 6 baseball practices this week.

We have 5 track practices this week.

Papa will probably start his new job this week.

Yes ... 

tomorrow ...

I MUST take time to grieve ...

I MUST get time alone with Papa ...

we MUST make time to pray ...

we MUST make time to cry together.

THANK YOU for ALL of your sweet comments and 
emails.  You have no idea how much your words have 
meant to me this week ... how MUCH I needed to

hear from each of you.

Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow,

and this coming week.