I'm A Bit Confused ...

By the Responses 

to Yesterday's Post ...

Things We Shouldn't Say.

It would appear that several of you were quite offended by this post .... but, then, your comments are all about how we shouldn't be offended by what others say to us.

Once again, I want to reiterate that ... 


... I did not write this post, but thought
    that Courtney had some good things to share.

...  in no way did I intend to offend 

     anyone with this blog post.

...  I myself am NOT personally offended

    by many of these comments.

...  the intent of this post was to encourage

    us to be aware of the things that we say,

    and to be aware that sometimes our

    off-handed comments can be quite offensive.

...  the post was not written to "blast" anyone

    for anything they have said; it was to encourage

    each of us to "think before we speak".

I know that I may not be as sensitive 

to the words I speak, if I have not personally 

experienced the situation the other person is living.

If I had never had a miscarriage,

I would have no understanding of how

critical my response should be to someone

that has just lost a child.

If I had never adopted a child,

I would not understand the types of

questions that are really inappropriate

to ask in front of an adopted child.

If I have no understanding of R.A.D.,

I would be much more likely to judge

an out-of-control child and their mother.

If all I know about large families

is what I've learned from The Duggars,

than I might expect that all large

families live similarly.

So ... 

I wrote this post ...

to give each of us a glimpse ...

into a life that we may not understand.

a new perspective ...

on different life situations.

an opportunity to hear how our

comments may hurt a mother or child.

NOT so that we would beat ourselves up

over past comments ...

BUT so that we would better understand

the words that we say in the future.

Please forgive me 

if I offended you 

by sharing yesterday's post.

Always Something New ...

We have an appointment at The Cardiovascular Center today.  One of the kids is having an echocardiogram.


We're not too worried about the heart murmur ... but would appreciate prayer: 


#1  for healing
#2  for wisdom for the doctor




I REALLY don't need another crisis right now.  


Remember ... I've already had "the straw that broke the camel's back".  Since my back is already "broken", another straw thrown on the pile would NOT be a good thing.






Oh yes ... now that we have state insurance (after no insurance for a year and a half) we are having to work through numerous medical issues ... while PRAISING JESUS that we didn't have any actual emergencies during our time without insurance.


Another child suddenly became deaf in one ear (right after we lost our insurance).  We really need to make an appt. for that one.


And, a third child is awaiting an appointment with a plastic surgeon.  We will be needing to drive 100 miles to Children's Hospital for those appointments.  This is NOT for cosmetic reasons, but there are medical reasons that necessitate "fixing" a scar that is about  1" x 3".  It could actually take 2 separate surgeries to correct.


Yes.  Always something new and exciting going on with the Big D. Family.  I'll keep you posted on the outcomes.

Things We Should Never Say

My Bloggy Friend, Courtney ... over at Storing Up Treasures ... wrote a GREAT post last week, that I thought I would share with you.




I have pretty much heard it all when it comes to my big family. People say some pretty interesting and sometimes hurtful things to us. Sometimes it is strangers, sometimes it is people we know and love. None the less, it is annoying and hurtful all the same. 

But, it isn't just our family or big families that are the target of people saying or asking rude questions. In fact the more I talk about this with others, the more I realize that almost everyone is a target. 

So, my hope is to help educate people. Perhaps you have unknowingly said one of these things. It's okay. We all say things we shouldn't say. But, I think we can all learn to be more careful in our choice of words.

Things you should never say. Ever.

* Never, ever ask a women if she is pregnant. She could be overweight. She could have an illness, or she could have diastasis like me. 

* Never ask a big family if "they know how that happens". It's crude. No one wants to discuss their sex life with a stranger. 

* Never ask an adoptive family which ones are their "real kids".  All children are real. 

* Never ask an adoptive family if the children are "real brothers and sisters".  Siblings are siblings no matter how they became that way. 

* Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have kids. They could be trying. They could be infertile. They may not want children. 

* Never ask a homeschooling Mom about socialization. It's laughable. 

* Never say to a big family, "Your house must be huge". Usually our homes are not. 

* Never say to a big family, "You must be rich!" . We usually are not. 

* Never ask someone how much money they make. Period. 

* Never say to a Mom of a big family,  "Your husband must be a doctor or lawyer". They usually are not. 

* Never count the children in a family. Never. 

* Never ask a single person why they are still single. 

* Never ask if the black child in a family is from Africa. Not all black adopted children come from Africa. 

* Never make a reference about The Blind Side to an adoptive family. 


* Never ask a dating couple when they are going to get married. 

* Never, even in jest, ask a couple if they are "done". I don't care how many kids they have. It's rude. 


*  Never ask a mother of many when her husband is going to get "fixed".  It's totally and completely crude, rude, and uncalled for.  (added by Laurel)

* Never ask a woman when she is due, unless you are certain, without a doubt, that she is expecting. 

* Never tell a pregnant woman how she is carrying. No one wants to know their butt has gotten bigger. Or that they are carrying "all over." 

* Never tell a new Mom how to take care of her baby (unless she asks for advice). She will figure it out herself like we all do. 

* Never assume the gender of a baby. If you don't know, simply use the phrase "Your baby is _____________" {fill in the blank}. 

* Never offer disciplinary advice to a Mom with a child who is out of control. You don't know if that child has autism, ADHD, RAD and that Mom may very well be doing the best she can. 

* If a child is melting down in a public place, don't stare. Move on. (Or, offer the mom a compassionate smile.) Again you have no idea what that child may mentally be dealing with. 

* If you see a big family pull up in a van, please no jokes about baseball teams, the circus, or a daycare. 

* Never ask a homeschooling Mom how she manages to teach all of her children. Teachers have 25-35 students each day they have to teach and they aren't even her own kids. 

* Never ask an adoptive family which kids are adopted. No adopted child wants to be pointed out. 

* Never ask an adoptive parent how much their child "cost". 

* Never make an Angelina Jolie reference to an adoptive family. None of us have nannies, personal trainers, housekeepers, and look like her after so many kids. 

* Never make a Duggar reference to a big family. Most of us are nothing like them. 

* Never say to a big family, "You should have your own reality TV show." 

* Never ask a mother of a large family if they are Mormon or Catholic.  They probably are neither.  (added by Laurel)

* Never say things to the older children of a big family like "You must have to work so hard." Or "It must be really hard to have all of those siblings." Our kids will look at you like you are crazy. 



*  Never say to the older children of a large family, "You probably raise your younger siblings, don't you?"  No.  In most cases, the dad and the mom raise ALL of the children.  Yes, the older children probably help around the house, but most large families do NOT assign a younger child to an older child as their responsibility.  (added by Laurel)



* If a child that you don't know very well comes up to hug you, redirect them to their parents. The child may have RAD.

* If a newly adopted child is all over you, don't assume you have a bond. Whether it is your neighbor's kid, your niece or nephew or someone's child at church. It isn't normal behavior. Don't say "They are SO cute!"  as they love all over you. They aren't cute, and they should only be all over their parents.  (if you don't understand this ... do some research on R.A.D.)

* If a pregnant woman looks very pregnant, never say, "You look ready to pop".  She may have months left to go. 

* Never, ever tell a pregnant woman she looks like she is carrying twins. She probably isn't.  

*  Never tell a childless couple how great having a baby is. Again, they may be infertile. 

* Never tell new parents all of the horror stories of being a parent. 

* Never tell a newly pregnant woman all of the horror stories of birth.

* Never ask an adoptive Mom about her children's birth parents, especially in front of the child. Things like, "Why didn't they want him?" Or "Why was she given up?"  are hurtful to the child and often times the adoptive parent prefers to keep the information on the birth parents private. 

* Never ask a family who has chosen to adopt first, "When are you going to have children of your own." He is my own. {added by reader Claire}

* Never say "Oh, you must be a saint for adopting these poor kids." Or "I hope they appreciate what you've done for them." They probably don't, just like my bio kids probably don't appreciate me giving birth to them. {added by reader Shonda}

* Never ask a parent with children of only one gender "Are you going to keep trying for a girl (or boy)?" or "I bet you wish you had a girl (or boy)!" Especially, in front of the kids. {added by reader Christy}

* Never say "You must have your hands full!"  or "You sure do have your hands full!" .  We don't see it that way. {added by reader Hannah}

* Never ask an adoptive Mother "What about his real mom? Or  "Where is his mom?" Or "How old is his mom?" I am his MOM!!! I AM HIS MOM! ME! The one who takes him to every appointment, fights for him to get his medical supplies, advocates for him, holds him until he sleeps, changes every diaper, teaches him things, kisses his baby soft lips and cheeks. I...am..his mama! {added by reader Ashlee}

* Never tell a woman who has miscarried, "Don't worry you can always have another one."  {added by reader Got Jesus}

* Never tell a woman who has miscarried, "It wasn't really a baby." Many of us do believe that a child is created at the moment of conception, whether or not they look like a baby yet.  (added by Laurel)

* Never tell a women who has lost a child, "you can always have more", or "you are still young yet" or "she would have been difficult to take care of, with all her needs"  {added by reader Colleen F.}

* Never tell a woman who miscarried that "It was for the best because the child probably had issues."


*  Never tell a woman who miscarried, "Aren't you glad that you already have ___ (any number of) healthy children."  No matter how many children a mother has, the death of a child is the death of a child.  (added by Laurel)


*  Never tell a woman who miscarried, "Aren't you glad you will get to meet your child in heaven?"  Um.  No.  I was really looking forward to meeting them here, on earth, before heading to heaven.  (added by Laurel)

* Never assume because a family is adopting first that they are infertile. Or if someone is infertile never say to  them that they will get pregnant now that they have adopted "because it happens all the time". NOT TRUE. {added by reader Leigh}

* Never ask a mother, "Is he mixed?" We're talking about a human being here, people, not a dog. {added by reader Julie}


* Never ever say to a woman when she excitedly announces that she is pregnant, "How far along are you ... is it too late for an abortion?!"  (added by reader Michelle)


* Never say to a pregnant woman, "I hope you have a downs syndrome baby ... they're sooooo cute!"  Yes, they're beautiful like each and every child ... but I don't wish difficulties on my children. Thank you.  (added by reader Michelle)


* Never say, "You already had too many kids anyways" after a miscarriage.  (added by reader Michelle)


* Never say, "Maybe you drove your husband away by having so many kids" to a single mom.  EVER.  (added by reader Michelle)



*  Never ask an infertile couple, "Who's fault is it?  Yours or your husbands?"  (added by reader Stephanie)


*  Never tell an infertile couple, "You don't want kids anyways, they are a pain in the neck."   (added by reader Stephanie)


* Never tell an adoptive parent, "Your kids are so lucky."  Really?  Lucky to have had their parents die?  Lucky to have nearly starved to death?  Lucky to have been forcefully taken from the only country they've ever known, to be thrown into a new family and told "this is your new mom and dad".  No.  Most adopted children do NOT feel "lucky".  (added by reader Stephanie and Laurel)


* Never ask a mother of multiples if she had fertility treatments or if her children are "natural".  My children's conception is none of your business.  (added by reader Beth)


* Never ask the children of a large family, "Couldn't your parents control themselves?"  You don't want to discuss your sex life with a stranger, but your kids really don't want to discuss it with anyone (or even think about it).  (added by reader Beth)


* Never say, "You've got your girl now, so keep your man away from you."  (added by reader Mosey)


And I am sure I could think of at least a dozen more, but you get the point. Please think before you speak. And pass this on to your family and friends, share it on facebook, help others to learn some etiquette.

Can you think of more?  I would LOVE to add to the list.  And ... please pass this along (with links to Courtney's blog).


Just so you know ... I have not been personally offended when many of these things have been said to me.  I am more of a "shrug it off" or "laugh it off" kind of gal.  But, I thought this list was a great reminder to really THINK before we speak.

A Cold Night At The Beach

Yesterday afternoon, I looked at the weather report and saw that we were supposed to have a sunny day today, so I thought, "We should really get out and do something fun"  (after a crazy busy week of doctor's appts. and baseball practices).

Papa told us last night that he didn't have to work today, so I thought, "We could go have a Play Day with Papa."  Yea!

However ...

...  Papa woke up with a tummy ache.

...  Mama ended up in a Mud Puddle a

     few hours later.

...  Ben had track practice from 2:30-4:00.

...  Sarah had baseball practice (with

     unpredictable starting and ending times).

But ...

...  Papa and Mama finally made a plan:

     "We will go to the beach for dinner,

      right after baseball, at 5:00."

Then ...

...  Someone called Papa asking about

     buying the Harley.  They would be driving

     75 miles to come take a look.  "Would we 

     be home about 4:30?"  Of course.

So ...

...  Papa came home from baseball practice

     at 4:30 ... and waited ... and waited ... 

...  The people finally arrived to look at the 

     Harley at 5:15.

...  Mama and the kids got home from baseball

     practice at 5:15, as well.

...  We came inside and waited ... and waited ...

     and waited ... while Papa talked to the

     couple about the Harley.

Then ...

...  Papa came inside.

...  The couple needed to "talk about it".

...  We waited ... and waited ... and waited.

Finally ...

...  The couple bought the Harley.  Yea!

...  We loaded up the van.

...  We stopped at the grocery store

     for chips and buns.

And ...

...  We arrived at the Beach at 7:30.

...  There was no sunshine in sight.

...  It was beginning to get dark.

...  It was quite cold.  

But ...

...  We were determined to have FUN.

So ...

...  Everyone pitched in to help w/ dinner.

The Young Ones wanted to help Ben

Build The Fire.

Papa got right to work 

Grilling Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, and Sausages.

(Notice the winter hat.  He also had winter gloves on.)

Mama had the Young Ones go Play when

Ben Started the Fire.

Hosanna Finished

Making the Fruit Salad

Finally ...

at about 8:15 ...

it was

Time To Eat.

Soon ...

everyone abandoned the chairs ...

and moved closer to the fire

To Keep Warm.

After dinner ...

the Young Ones went to Play.

Soon ...

it was too dark for Mama to ...

Take More Pictures.

Then ...

Mama asked if we had brought a flashlight.

No.

Mama suggested that we pack up all of the

dinner stuff and take it back to the van,

before making s'mores, since it would

be pitch black when we were ready to leave.

We finished our S'mores at about 9:30.

It was definitely time to head home

(as we have early morning track and baseball).

We packed everything else up,

by the light of the fire.

Mama had the Young Ones follow Papa

to the car, with arms laden down,

while they could still see by firelight.

Ben, then, filled the fire pit with sand.

Hosanna and Mama carried the 
firewood tub and shovel,

while Ben put the folding table on his head,

and we walked to the car by the dim lights

of the distant Canadian city across the bay.

While our day didn't go 

quite as hoped or planned,

we did have FUN.

Tomorrow is a New Day.

We are looking forward to another

FUN track meet with Ben;

and Elijah is excited for his

early morning baseball practice
(which Vicky will take him to,
before joining us at the track meet).

It's getting late, and Mama should get

some sleep so that she will be UP

for tomorrow's full day of Kid Busyness.

Praying for SLEEP tonight,
which has been very difficult 
for Mama to find lately.


I think I'll go find that Melatonin,
that one of you recommended
back in January when I was sitting
 in My Marriage Mud Puddle.