How would you respond if your son informed you that his girlfriend was pregnant ... or your teenage daughter told you that she was expecting.
As Believers, how should we have responded when our son informed us that his girlfriend was pregnant?
Did he know better? Absolutely.
Did he make a poor choice? Definitely.
Was he aware of his poor choice? Most certainly.
Condemn: express complete disapproval of; prove or show the guilt of
Condone: accept and allow behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive
Grace: the free and unmerited favor of God
As most of you know, our son Gregg informed us last June that his girlfriend was pregnant. Actually ... here is how the conversation took place.
Gregg (living 150 miles away) phoned at 7:00 pm and said,
"Mom, I need to talk to you and dad."
"Do you want me to have him get on the other line?"
(Yes. We still have an "old-fashioned" landline.)
"No. I need to talk to you in person."
"Are you coming to visit?"
"No. Can we meet 1/2 way?"
"Tonight?"
"Yes. Tonight."
"We will see you at Red Robin in 1 1/2 hours."
As soon as we slid into the booth at Red Robin, Gregg looked across the table and said,
"You are probably wondering why I called you here."
To which I casually responded,
"Did you get your girlfriend pregnant?"
Jim's head whipped around. He couldn't believe I would ask such a thing. Then he looked at Gregg, totally confused by the whole quick conversation. No. I hadn't said a word to Jim about what I was thinking on the long drive to Everett.
Jim and I looked at each other ... we looked at Gregg ... and we said, "Okay."
We quickly asked a few questions ..
"Is she planning to keep the baby?" (My heart nearly fell out of my chest when I realized that maybe she would choose to have an abortion. I hadn't met Kayla yet, and didn't know anything about her.)
Relief filled my mind when Gregg assured us that she was planning to keep the baby.
We asked questions. We talked of practical things. We told Gregg that if she chose to give up the baby for adoption, that we would like to adopt him/her.
We never asked, "What were you thinking?!?!"
We never said, "You'd better marry her now."
We never told him, "You sure screwed up!!!"
No.
We honestly weren't even angry with him.
We were overwhelmed, a bit, by the situation.
We felt badly for both of them,
as this certainly wasn't planned.
But, angry? No.
Gregg had come to us to apologize for letting us down ... for tarnishing the Big D. Name.
We had no reason to condemn him. We knew that he was fully aware of what he had done.
Our hearts were full of love for him ... and for this young lady that we hadn't yet met. Our hearts went out to them ... knowing how hard it must be to try to figure out what to do now.
After talking for 2 hours, it was time to head for home.
I looked Gregg in the eye and said,
"If this is what it takes for the Lord to get your attention
and turn your heart towards Him, than we will rejoice.
If you and Kayla will seek after Him,
than He will use this for His good."
The past 8 months have not been easy for Gregg & Kayla, but we have come alongside with love and support (as has Kayla's family). We couldn't be more proud of how they have handled things.
It is interesting, though, how others have seen our love and support.
Some people have seen us reach out with
love and support, and have then
wondered if we are "okay" with it.
love and support, and have then
wondered if we are "okay" with it.
Others have seen us reach out with
love and support, and then wondered
if our other children will think it is "okay"
to get pregnant before marriage.
love and support, and then wondered
if our other children will think it is "okay"
to get pregnant before marriage.
A good friend of mine was talking to her daughters and a friend of her daughters the day before the wedding. She was explaining to her girls that she and her husband would be attending the wedding, and then she would be staying for the baby shower, after the wedding reception. My dear friend's daughter's friend (hope you get that), looked at her and said, "Are you okay with that?!?!" My friend gently explained to these teen girls that while she would hope that her girls don't get pregnant before they get married, and that scriptures call us to abstain from premarital s*x, that we can still love and support Kayla in her marriage and pregnancy.
It can be a very tricky situation, though. How do we not bring condemnation, yet not condone at the same time?
Sadly, I believe that non-Believers often respond better in such situations than Believers. Some Believers place such condemnation on these young people, that it must turn them off to Christianity. Yet, isn't it Christ that said,
"Let any one of you who is without sin
be the first to throw a stone at her. ..
Jesus straightened up and asked her,
"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared.
"Go now and leave your life of sin."
John 8: 7-11
Do Jim and I condone premarital s*x? Absolutely not.
Do we have any right to cast the first stone? Oh.My.No.
Do our other children know that Scriptures tell us it is wrong to have premarital s*x? Most definitely.
Have we all learned a whole lot about God's Grace this year? Certainly.
I will be the first to admit that I have looked down upon pregnant teens in the past. Forgive, me, Lord. I have placed judgement upon them, without knowing them. And, now, it breaks my heart to think of others placing judgement upon Gregg & Kayla.
I have a beautiful new daughter-in-law. And, through the Grace of God, I have not once looked at her with eyes of condemnation ... nor a heart of pity. No. I have seen a strong young lady, who has endured much this year (losing her father suddenly, just 2 weeks before she found out she was expecting). I have seen a sweet young woman who is seeking after God ... who has fully taken responsibility for her actions ... who has not blamed Gregg for the situation (which does happen sometimes).
While I certainly don't condone it, there are a LOT of Christian young adults who are s*xually active. While Gregg & Kayla's choices resulted in a pregnancy ... their sin is no greater than all of the others. And ... their sin is no greater than your sin or my sin.
"For all have sinned and
fall short of the glory of God."
Romans 3:23
and
"it is by Grace you have been saved"
Ephesians 2:5
And ... you know what?
Children are a BLESSING.
I am soon to be a Grandma,
and the timing of the conception of this child ...
IN. NO. WAY.
tarnishes the BLESSING that he will be.
God has done a GOOD thing.
He has brought BEAUTY out of pain.
He has brought Gregg & Kayla together ...
seeking after Him.
And ...
we will REJOICE.
I sincerely hope that if any of you ever have a family
member or friend that gets pregnant out of wedlock,
that you will embrace them with God's Grace.
No. We should not condone premarital s*x.
Yet, neither should we condemn those who sin.
I am not sure if you are wanting us commenters to give our opinions or beliefs on this issue of premartial s*x? or is your post just to share out in the open how you approach it?
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid of stepping on toes with my views :/ too often I put my boot in my mouth without meaning to.
In a nutshell, my personal view is Gregg and Kayla decided to marry, this shows that while they made a mistake in the past, right now they are walking rightly. Every one of us have done some wrong in the past and all that Jesus asks us is to "sin no more"... but now that they are married, there is no such thing as them sinning because now it is part of His blessing, as it ought to be in the first place.
I hope it's ok, my above comment.
Laurel, I'm so glad you chose to blog about this, because I've actually been thinking for several months how beautifully it looks (from the outside) like you've been handling it. Perhaps I "know" your heart a little better (as well as a blog-and-email-friend can know someone they don't know IRL) because I've been reading for a long time, but I've never had the impression that your grace and love towards G and K condoned what they did. On the other hand, it's impossible to read any posts about them and think that you're not genuinely loving and praying for this future family, this child.
ReplyDeleteAs you said in the post, sometimes unbelievers handle stuff like this better than Christians do. :( I think the problem comes in when we forget that we're sinners in desperate need of grace, that poisonous pride or "it's just my personality" anger can wound and damage just as much (sometimes more?) than those more visible transgressions.
My goodness, real agape love doesn't mean you're saying, "Yippee! My son got his gf pregnant!" But it does say, "Oh son, I'm a big mess, too. We love you more than you know, and that's just a shade compared to how much Christ loves you. How can we pray for and serve you best through this?"
This post is beautifully written, and again, it seems like your hearts are so in line with the Gospel on this. Thankful for their marriage. for new life, and I am endlessly thankful that God has not left the business of redemption. ;) Praying for your family this morning.
Oh Amen! I'm sure your handling things with love and grace have helped Greg and Kayla to look towards God even more. If we present a harsh, unforgiving front then that is how they may see God. I'm with you....Christians are sometimes the most hurtful and unforgiving ones out there.
ReplyDeleteWe can train up our children but in the end, it's their choice how to live. We can do everything right and still our children can go "astray". It's called free will.
Love always wins out. Love always covers, forgives. So thankful that you get that and live that daily!!
Much love!
Lisa
Well said Laurel!!
ReplyDeleteWishing that all such situations were handled with such grace and love and prayer.
I will say that our unplanned and unmarried pregnacy did not meet with such grace. I was definately turned off from many persons of faith, BUT by the GRACE of GOD, not from church and Him. He held me and loved me through it all and helped me heal and love the members of his church once again. It was a long painful road, from which I learned much, but could have been made easier by loving godly men and women showing the grace you describe.
I am praying for your new grandson and his wonderful parents in this new amazing journey they are on!
Donna ... I was thinking of you and Lisa as I wrote this. So sad to know that 2 of my dear friends were not treated with such love and grace in their time of need. Thankful, that you both are loving and serving the Lord, despite the way you were treated by Believers in your teen years.
ReplyDeleteChildren ARE a blessing regardless of the how of conception...
ReplyDeleteOur love for our own children should never change regardless of the worldly choice they may make (and s*x before marriage is worldly, even though many Christian do this). After all, Christ has loved us through our own mistakes, who are we to judge. guide, yes; mentor, yes; love, most definitely yes. =)
great post Laurel,
~Sheri
ps I had no clue, aka didn't connect the dots, until you shared wedding photos. Then I lightly thought, hmmm that's interesting, and smiled that you get to be a grandma, AND how beautiful the bride was!
"narrow road" ... cute that you "didn't connect the dots". Loved that you shared your thoughts of the wedding photos. She WAS a beautiful bride ... a beautiful, very pregnant bride. Some people would say (and did say) that she shouldn't wear a white dress (because it stands for purity). But, you know what? Kayla wanted to wear a white dress, and she was BEAUTIFUL in it. Who are we to say what she can or cannot wear?
ReplyDeleteOh, you can never go wrong with grace! (giving OR receiving)
ReplyDeleteI think loving with grace is one of the greatest qualities of a believer. It is also one of the hardest. Through the difficulties of our last 10 years and more I have learned to try and refrain from judging while realizing you may never KNOW what someone else is walking through. I tell our kids that EXCEPT for the grace of God and hearts obedient to Him, we are one step away from what we condemn in others. As they say, when you point a finger at someone else there are 3 fingers pointing back at you!
ReplyDeleteI know as a mother your heart has heart for your son and daughter in law but by God's GRACE it will drop them to the true source of forgiveness and restoration. I completely understand your position and stand up and applaud you for it. We are all sinners. Period. Thank God for His grace and mercies that are new each morning.
This is a really lovely post! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I connected the dots when I saw those beautiful wedding pictures but only thought of grace. I love where your heart is. As a mom of teens I am living some free will right now, but never feel like I would cast a stone at them because oh my have I been there.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I connected the dots when I saw those beautiful wedding pictures but only thought of grace. I love where your heart is. As a mom of teens I am living some free will right now, but never feel like I would cast a stone at them because oh my have I been there.
ReplyDeleteO Laurel, I love this post! I had my first daughter at 17. And you're right- alot of christians didn't show God's love or grace at all. Some people made christianity look plain disgusting to me. Luckily, I had good parents. They were SOOOO disappointed. (My dad had just gotten his first full-time preaching job right before I told him.) But- they were still loving and supportive. You have no idea how wonderful that is. So glad you can show God's grace, even though you don't condone it!
ReplyDelete