I had an interesting conversation with Rachel's school teacher a few days ago. It was good ... but hard.
Here are a few of her comments ...
Rachel is so sweet.
Rachel is so respectful.
Rachel is so smart.
Rachel smiles all the time;
she seems happy.
Rachel works so hard.
Rachel really knows her Bible.
I'm sure that Rachel REALLY
loves her large family.
(Seriously?!?!)
While I very casually tried to explain that things are a bit more challenging at home ... and even went so far as to say, "This is not how she acts at home", her teacher responded to anything I said with, "I understand."
Basically ... I wanted to scream ...
"You do NOT understand. You have NO idea."
But, I stayed calm.
When the teacher asked if I might be able to work on flashcards with Rachel to increase her speed on multiplication, I nearly busted up laughing. Prior to going to school ... Rachel absolutely refused to do multiplication. "I don't know how" was a daily complaint. (And, YES, we had taught her. Jim is a certified Math Teacher. We do know how to teach multiplication.) She told us she could not do 7 x 3 or 5 x 6 or any basic multiplication. Nope. Couldn't do it. However ... within a week after she started at school, she could suddenly do multiplication problems like:
$7.99 x 6 =
$17.40 x 9 =
5,033 x 9 =
2,886 x 8 =
Oh. Yes. She. Could.
I explained to the teacher that I could certainly try to work on Rachel's multiplication with her. Then I explained that sometimes adopted children like to "play games" with their parents, and pretend that they can't do any of the work asked of them ... because they like to control their parents time. The teacher responded, "I understand." Really?!?!
So. I AM glad that Rachel knows how to behave at school. This IS a good thing. I don't want her to have problems at school, and I certainly don't want them to kick her out and send her home (which, as a private school, is their prerogative if they don't think she "fits" well).
But ... it is HARD to hear someone tell you how absolutely WONDERFUL your child is ... when this same child works VERY hard to make our lives miserable. Sorry for the honesty ... but she really does. She works hard to control the atmosphere of our home almost every day. She works hard to control our time and energy. She does her best to control our emotions.
Please ... any of you who send your challenging adopted kids (with RAD, PTSD, FASD, ODD, ???) to school ... do you have these conversations? Are they frustrating for you? Do you even try to explain to the teacher that this is NOT the child that you see at home every day. Or, do you just let them believe that your child really is the sweetest, most lovable child around?
Okay, move to PA and send your daughter to our Christian school. The beloved Kindergarten teacher is a mom to a recently diagnosed RAD child and she DOES understand. She does and, because of her struggles, ALL of the teachers understand. Have you had her read any description of attachment disorder?
ReplyDeleteGreat idea ... to have the teacher read a description of R.A.D. I will print one off for her. Thanks.
DeleteLaurel
Uhhh...Yes this has happened in nearly every out of the home educational/teaching setting! We have found over the years to let it go and most times the teacher begins to see things for themselves. That has given us a sense of relief that we aren't cuuuhraaazy!
ReplyDeleteHowever, there will always be teachers that are softer than others. It's genuine kindness and some pity, but our chld sees it as a weak adult they can work over. They feel this person in acquiescing authority to them, therefore they behave better.
Over the years we have been able to let go of our frustration over these personality types concerning our child. It isn't their fault that tender-hearted people attempt to and do see the best in them. Especially when that's all the child is showing them. This can present problems though if you sense the adult is starting to take sides with the child and undermine your authority. Look out for this and don't let it get far down that path.
K
Oh wow! That would be sooo hard!!!!!! Praying for wisdom in how to handle this. Hoping others have wisdom in this!
ReplyDeleteI understand!!
Deletelol. I think I do, anyway. :-)
So far the teachers seem to understand that my little Miss is much harder at home. But even if they didn't I don't think I would sweat much about it at this point. I"m glad she's happy at school. This shows she can be happy.
Mine is developmentally delayed, though, and so the teachers have no expectations of me or her in the homework department.
I went through that. A lot. Oh, your son is so charming and well behaved. You are so blessed to have him. Um, yes. All children are a blessing from God, but it's hard to realize that sometimes in the midst of it. If I tried to explain the problems we were having, somehow it became about my parenting or my not understand him, not about his choices. It was so much easier when people saw through the mask he wanted them to see, and really saw the child. But even when he was caught stealing and eating the principal's lunch, it was because we didn't feed him enough at home. Augh.
ReplyDeleteWe had that same problem and more when our little Miss headed to school. We were the mean bad parents who didn't let her go on field trips or send her money to buy snacks at school. We didn't help her or even let her do her homework! haha - according to her! Thankfully, she eventually got in trouble at school and the increased communication led the teachers to understand a little better!
ReplyDeleteWe have a different problem now - our public school (her only option based on her needs) is teaching to a test and doesn't care about comprehension...so she is getting good grades but still hasn't learned a whole bunch!
Yes! I recognize! As a mom to an adopted son with ASD diagnosis and learning difficulties we're in this, too. Our son does remarkably well in school, has no tantrums etc thanks to a good teacher as well as leading a very quiet life at home with lots of sleep, few vistors and the same routines repeated all the time.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your daughter will continue to do well as our son does, thanks to good parental support and home being the place where she can let off steam after all the hard work she is doing ... I also meet professionals and parents who say that some kids with difficulties such as these do well for the first month or two. And not so well when tiredness sets in and demands are placed on them ...
Prayers for you and your daughter!
Maria in Sweden
Oh, talk about talking till I'm blue in the face! It is SO frustrating! We've brought doctor's reports, psychologist's reports, and the last comment we got in an IEP meeting was, "Sounds like you don't need an assessment; you need therapy." Nuff said.
ReplyDeleteOh my....how I can relate to this. I told you how our oldest daughter moved out when she turned 18 recently. I am so frustrated by the youth group leaders and pastors in our church who we have tried to talk to about the situation. They say the "get it", but they do not get it one bit.
ReplyDeleteShe is a completely different person with others than with us. She puts on the sweet and charming side for everyone else, and then, they all think we are crazy. It is SO frustrating!
Not many people get it either. Not unless they have walked this journey with a child.
And to others, I feel like I sound like a horrible and mean Mama. I dont blame my daughter. She didnt ask for the hard things in her life. But it is what it is. It's our reality. And it stinks.
Oh girl! I relate! I think whether or not you decide to put energy into it depends on if the teacher will be open to learning about the situation. Some years maybe she/he will be. Others, not. I used to sometimes give my kids' teachers lots of info on attachment. That helped, sometimes. Other years it was obvious they thought I didn't understand my own child. Blech. Not worth my energy. Fine. Just help them with their multiplication then. =-)
ReplyDeleteLaurel, Thank you for your comment on my blog. I made canvases to raise money for our adoption all last year and now I just enjoy creating as the Lord allows time. I have been praying about giving away the one pictured on my blog post, and if you would like that one, I would be honored to send it to you! Please email me and we can chat. I would just need your address and I will send it to you as an early anniversary present!
ReplyDeleteGrace to you and your family,
Amy
ahniart@gmail.com
I have the complete opposite situation. I wish the school could see the sweet loveable side of my 8 year old RAD daughter.I get phone calls almost every day from school. She has such a hard time dealing with everything at school that she makes everyone pay for it. Lying, stealing, running out of class, being distructive..etc. It is making me think that my daughter must be the worst kid at school. I really don't believe that but it's hard not too when they call everyday with something that she has done or calling me to come pick her up because she ransacked the classroom because her art work wasn't as good as her peers (her perspective). She is not like this at home..at least not so much with me. She still does the lying and sneaking, but there is no distruction at all. I have an easier time with her compared to my husband, or anyone else. We can both catch her but she will usually listen to me after many tried and failed non-negotiation tactics. My husband and the school want answers, but unfortuately a RAD child does not come with a troubleshooting booklet..lol. When we first enrolled her, we had to lay down the law in regards to her and her RAD. As parents, we would relish the fact that our child is being dotted on. We had to enforce the opposite. As soon as a teacher or other adult would recgognize how cute, sweet our daughter is, she would instantly try to manipulate, which in turn resulted in disrespect/disregard. I'm not saying that a stern adult will get regard or respect from her,it's just more of a challenge for her to gain control.
ReplyDeleteLove it ... "a RAD child does not come with a troubleshooting booklet". Wouldn't that be nice.
DeleteLaurel :)
*smile* I.understand. *giggle*
ReplyDeleteActually I do understand, and I do believe it is quite common. You will be misunderstood, but that's ok, cuz you WANT the teacher to think the world of lil Miss, eh?
The extra student I had (now only on Tuesdays) struggles with functioning autism, sensory issues, etc... for.her.mom! She is flappy, baby talking, screaming, hitting, flat.out.ugly at home...and oddly this has been from toddler years on, YET whether it was those younger years OR now, she is perfectly well behaved. She talks normal, does what I ask, puts effort into her work, accept correction, etc... She has gotten more done in 6 months with me than the last 2 yrs in public school. I am a bit bummed that I couldn't continue full time with her.
I always found it odd, the difference between here and her own home, but I do not ever judge the mom, I just think it's fascinating.
Chin up friend, it's a good thing. =)
Very interesting hearing about the girl that you have been tutoring. Wow!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNicky ... while I have always appreciated your comments, and enjoy reading your blog, this comment is a bit disheartening. Your comment comes across as if neither I nor the previous commenters know about raising "typical" kids. However, in reality, you have not walked the walk of parenting adopted children. I have raised 10 "typical" kids ... and it is NOTHING like raising an adopted child with RAD.
DeleteI am not offended by your comment, but felt that I should respond.
Laurel
I think you should be jumping up and down in praise that the Lord allowed you to put her in school and it is going well for her. It was obviously just what was needed to help her. I think it is baby steps to a change of heart which is what you have been praying for. I think she saw an opportunity for a fresh start with people that did not know her difficult side and you should be a proud mama that she does know how to behave and learn and smile. I think sometimes, we have messed up so many times and feel like we are in the deficit and we don't feel worthy of changing or starting over...so we just stay in that pit...she has been given an opportunity to change.."REDEMPTION". I think instead of trying to tell the teacher what a problem she is...you should talk to Rachel and tell her how proud you are of her and how well she behaves and is liked at school and you know she has it in her...so you want her to bring her "school behavior" home, and then you will be so thrilled and she has the opportunity to just "start over" at home as well. I know when I've behaved badly around someone...the shame is almost too much to bare and it's hard to even face that person. Shame can turn to all kinds of ugly stuff. I don't know all the ins and outs of RAD...I purposely don't read a lot about it, because I'm afraid of labeling every behavior, so I may be off base, but I just know with the Lord...He does not try to explain to everyone all the wrongs done to Him, He just forgives, and we are supposed to act like Him. Forgive her, and all her gross behavior.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has RAD and we have homeschooled, sort of unschooled at one point, public school, and as of about a month ago, she is attending a residential school. Reading your post was like reading one of my own, I mean, about my daughter controling everything and everyone. Yes, most of the feedback from most of her teachers has always been NONstop praise. I would put on a fake smile through ARD meetings and then bawl the whole way home. Nobody understand except people with children who have these disorders! Some years I go into more detail with the teachers and some I stand back and let them think whatever they want. I do always tell them she has an attachment disorder and has bad behaviors at home but tends to act differently at school. Though over time she did act out at school some (steal, lie, etc.) just not as bad as at home. I make sure to tell them of her lying b/c a lot of RAD kids make up lies about their families and the school believes them and calls the authorities. So I always want them to know she lies a lot. Good luck and enjoy your time she is at school! God bless!
ReplyDelete~Holly <><
Is there any one who has had the same scenario as us??? My RAD daughter is an absolute nightmare at school. We have educated school staff through literature/books about RAD.We have sit down meetings with all staff that will be working with her throughout the year along side our psychologist. She has had the same EA for 4 years now hoping that she would understand that not everyone is going to walk through her perpetual revolving door. At home she can cope,sometimes,and it is usually with me. Probably because I try to be two steps ahead of her. She is overly superficial at home with me sometimes, but it rarely works and I call her out. She is excessivly clingy to me to the point that I have to push her away sometimes (as nicely as can be). I feel bad about it but the way she does it is too overbearing. She is really good at triangulating her,her father and I or her,her brother and I. Her days at school are exausting for us.It would be easier for all of us if we kept her home. aagghh...
ReplyDelete"Wildflower" ... To be honest, I haven't really heard of your situation, but I will certainly put the question out there to my readers. Usually, with RAD, it is the mothers (or other primary care giver) that the child has the MOST difficulties with. So ... I definitely APPLAUD you for the work you have done. Wondering ... why don't you bring her home and homeschool her ... since her at-home behavior is so much better???
Deletebelieve me i have wrestled with that option. Unfortunately, I am the sole provider (financially) in our household. I am very fortunate to have a well paying job, with insurance benefits, as we live in a small rural town where these jobs are far few in between. So, I would love to be able to homeschool.It would make life just a little easier.
DeleteI just want to thank you for your blog.....I can finally relate and vise versa to the issues we face everyday. :)
One of our adopted sons has thrown fits at school, slammed a distribution on a desk in anger, pitched fits at PE when he didn't get his way...which NEVER happens at home. Not once, since arriving on US soil has the child thrown himself on the floor in anger. I AM THE ONE that told the school to up the anty as far as discipline goes because not much was being done. He has gotten loads better, but still has trouble in PE where the teacher does not have a "firm grip" on the situation even though I've asked for something different. He is not totally out of control at all times, and he has learned quite a bit of self control. But he certainly shows more calm at home than school.
DeleteSlammed his fists on the desk...not distribution. Autocorrect, I hate you.
DeleteThis is soooo typical of RAD. I finally put our eldest in school part time...and I get the same problem. Our teacher has been a little more openminded, but it is pretty much patent answers that we get. He is a perfect angel for everyone. NO one in our town believes the nightmare we are struggling with at home: the bullying, manipulation, destruction. We have tried to find support but no one wants to believe this little boy who can recite scripture and has insightful answeres and behaves so well they wish all kids were like him (yes the last is a comment from a fellow teacher who is envious she doesn't have a child like him in her class)can be so capable of the grief we are dealing with at home. I really hoped he would finally show this side of him to someone else just so we can create a support system. But 6 mos later -nothing.
ReplyDeleteIn comment to Wildflower - yes that behaviour is also typical...my husband works with RAD children who act up and out at school but manages better at home. That is why most can't believe our eldest struggles...because most people believe that is what children with RAD do in public.
THANK YOU!
DeleteI have read your blog for sometime. We have a mutual friend, Amy B. We have fostered over 200 children, raised 5 birth children and now are raising 4 adopted children. My first thoughts are to just be happy that she is 1) doing well in school and 2) that her behavior is not spilling over in her school environment. I don't doubt how she behaves at home. Be relieved that she can function in a school setting. No, you don't have to prove or get the teacher to see what you put up at home. Perhaps the positive vibes she is getting from school can encourage some change at home. Just my 2 cents.
ReplyDelete