Wow! We have had a LOT of GREAT discussion in the comments of Sunday's post, "A Split Personality".
However ... even with 25+ comments, that leaves 425+ people that have read this and not responded.
Sometimes ... when a comment or two kind of "rub me the wrong way" ... or leave questions in my mind ...or I find myself still pondering the comment many hours (or days) later, I choose to respond to the comments with a follow-up post. I figure that if one or two readers have expressed their concerns or questions, there are certainly others with the same thoughts/concerns/questions. Such is the case, today.
While I am NOT, in any way, upset with the commenters ... their comments raised some questions in my mind that I think would be good to discuss. These are WONDERFUL ladies ... with hearts of gold ... so please don't take this as any type of judgment against them or their thoughts/questions.
Here are a few of the thoughts expressed in the comments section of A Split Personality:
"I think you should be jumping up and down in praise that the Lord allowed you to put her in school and it is going well for her."
"Just be happy that she is doing well in school and that her behavior is not spilling over in her school environment."
Absolutely! I believe I have said multiple times how THANKFUL we are that the Lord opened the door for her to be in school. I know that I said in the previous post that I AM thankful that she is behaving well at school. Oh. My. Yes.
"You don't have to prove or get the teacher to see what you put up with at home."
"I think instead of trying to tell the teacher what a problem she is ... you should talk to Rachel and tell her how proud you are of her and how well she behaves at school."
First of all, I have told Rachel over and over how proud we are of how well school is going. I praise her for her behavior ... I praise her for her multiplication ... I praise her for how neatly done her papers are. Yes. I do praise her often.
Secondly, I am not at all trying to "prove" to the teacher how poorly Little Miss behaves at home.
Another of your comments ...
"I know the Lord ... He does not try to explain to everyone all the wrongs done to Him, He just forgives, and we are supposed to act like Him. Forgive her, and all her gross behavior."
Wow! Seriously ... this has NOTHING to do with forgiving or not forgiving Rachel's behavior. I am in no way wanting to "explain to everyone all the wrongs done to (me)". This is NOT about ME. The issue here is what is BEST for RACHEL. I LOVE my daughter. I have no bitterness towards my daughter. I continually forgive her for her behavior. I have MUCH compassion for her, and for all the trauma that she has faced in her young life.
But ...doesn't a teacher deserve to know if a student has significant issues that they are dealing with (whether physical or emotional)?
I believe that the school should be aware of "issues" that their students have.
If your child has severe allergies ...
would you tell the school?
If your child has developmental delays ...
would you tell the school?
If your child has learning disabilities ...
would you tell the school?
If your child has social anxiety ...
would you tell the school?
I believe that most of you would say that
"yes", you would tell the school in
most of the above situations.
Why, then, would any parent choose to
NOT tell the school if their child has
a very serious and severe MENTAL ILLNESS???
"I make sure to tell them of her lying because a lot of RAD kids make up lies about their families and the school believes them and calls the authorities. So I always want them to know she lies a lot."
Absolutely! It is a HUGE fear that lies will be told ... authorities called. We have walked that walk before (see "Adoption Crisis" in the archives), and it is a VERY hard road to walk.
Another commenter shared ...
He is a perfect angel for everyone. NO one in our town believes the nightmare we are struggling with at home: the bullying, manipulation, destruction. We have tried to find support but no one wants to believe this little boy who can recite scripture and has insightful answers and behaves so well they wish all kids were like him (yes the last is a comment from a fellow teacher who is envious she doesn't have a child like him in her class)can be so capable of the grief we are dealing with at home. I really hoped he would finally show this side of him to someone else just so we can create a support system. But 6 mos later -nothing.
So, a very understandable reason for being open and honest with the school is to create a support system ... for the student and the parents. Absolutely! Parenting a child with R.A.D. can be the loneliest job in the world, and parents are desperate to create any type of support system. Isn't it always best for the child when the parents and teachers are "on the same page"?
Now ... another reason for sharing with the school that Rachel is "unstable" mentally (to put it mildly) is for liability reasons.
What if YOUR child was in my daughter's class ... and one day my daughter flipped into one of her RAGES and injured your child? (Did you all hear about the little 8 year old boy here in WA State that brought a gun to school last week and shot a classmate?) Seriously ... how would you feel if I had not even mentioned to the school principal or the teacher that my daughter "has issues"? You would probably sue me for everything I have, because you would accuse me of "hiding" my daughter's problems. Right?
Now ... just in case some of you might have children at my daughter's school ... I do not believe such a situation will take place. She hasn't shown any of her rage behavior outside of our home. However ... I cannot possibly think of sending her to school without telling the school principal and teacher the type of issues we are dealing with at home. I am not going to pretend that she is "fine", when she is not.
Again ... this is not at all about trying to prove how horrible my daughter is ... or trying to gain sympathy for how I am treated. No. Not at all. This whole question is about trying to do whatever we can to HELP our dear, hurting child. And, I believe that in order to try to bring help and healing, we must do our best to partner with the teacher ... we must do our best to try to be "on the same page" with the school. I do not believe that it is in Rachel's best interest to allow her to pretend she is someone different at school ... to pretend there is nothing wrong at home.
I know that some of you don't understand why I would even discuss Rachel's behavioral issues on my blog (and disagree with the fact that I share how difficult things can be) ... just as some of you were appalled that I would discuss our Marriage Crisis on my blog last year. However, I see this blog as a ministry; and in order to truly minister to others, I must be transparent about the problems that I am walking through.
You have no idea how many private emails I receive from people thanking me for my transparency, and then sharing with me the devastating crises that they are walking through. I am able to understand their pain ... offer insights ... bring hope and encouragement ... and most of all bring a listening ear and offer of prayer, to them in their time of crisis. I KNOW that they would not be writing to me if I were not sharing my own struggles here on my blog.
If you don't understand why I share our struggles with R.A.D., please go back to the "Split Personality" post and read all of the comments. The comment section is full of responses from mamas who are walking the same path ... women who appreciate that I am honest about our adoption journey ... women who need to know that they are not alone on this journey of parenting traumatized children. And ... I also need to know that I am not alone.
I hope this has helped to answer some of your questions and concerns. Let me know if you have any further questions about this topic. Again ... I am not at all offended by the comments that bring hard questions. I believe that they help us all to really dig deep for the answers, and grow together in the process.
I so empathize with the one who said the child quotes Scripture and doesn't show the other side. I walked that walk. It is hard. People think it's your parenting, not a problem the child has. After all, if he has a problem, why is he so sweet to them? And what is WORSE is when others think they could parent your child better than you because the child obeys so well for them. Uh huh. You just take my child for a few months and you be the one to tell him "no" and set boundaries he doesn't care about and then we'll talk. Thankfully, I think I am through that because my "new" twins don't seem to have the attachment issues, just some left over "orphanage" behaviors.
ReplyDeleteYep true story....they do obey others from the get go no questions asked. Just like little miss does at school, yet they don't get it or understand. They just need to be informed and brought up to speed.
DeleteAs a teacher myself (in an inner city), I'd want to know. I always say knowledge is power. I feel better equipped as an educator and "school mama" for my kids if I can see the big picture. What goes on at home does affect them at school, even if it's not apparent on the outside. If/when a challenging situation occurs, it's often crucial to know the whole story so that I can respond in the most effective manner. In a time of "crisis" you can't always get the situation out of the child or reach a parent, which can be frustrating and unsafe. On the other hand, as a teacher I have to be conscious not to let a "bad report" from parent or previous teacher, affect my view of the child. I always want to give the child the chance to grow/change/thrive in my environment. It's a balance, but again, the info is helpful and teachers appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing the perspective of a teacher. Wonderful to hear your thoughts!
DeleteAs the parent, I, too, don't want my "bad report" to cause the teacher to see my child as only "bad". I do share the positives, as well.
Laurel :)
I think it is important for you to share your daughter's condition with the school and teacher. RAD isn't a common problem with most schools as say, ADHD, Tourett Syndrome, or Autism. Because it isn't common, you have to be the one to teach the school system.
ReplyDeleteI remember when I was teaching, I had a parent constantly tell me that the reason her son had certain problems was because he was born premature at 25 weeks. I looked at her like she was out of her mind. He looked like a "normal" boy, but he did some strange behavior and I thought it was just because he was being defiant. She never brought in proof- medical documents, articles, etc- but at the same time I never did any research on it either. It wasn't until I got pregnant with my twins and went into preterm labor at 24 weeks with them that I started to look up information about preemies. While on bed rest I found a support group for parents who had premature babies that are now children and what they could talk about was heartbreaking. Sensory issues, OCD, ticks, and a bunch of other stuff. Things that the mother had tried to tell me years earlier but I didn't believe because I didn't know better.
I would absolutely make sure you give the school not only any medical documentation you have, but evaluations, and any articles or websites that you think would be helpful for them to learn more about RAD. They won't go seek this information on their own (more than likely) so PLEASE do give them documentation- because if something were to happen (accusations or a rage or whatever) you can at least have proof that you tried to explain to them that that type of behavior is part of RAD.
Thank you soooo... much for sharing!
DeleteLaurel :)
While, I am not walking in your shoes the same, my son while for the most part is a very healthy boy there are piece/behaviors that have raised my eyebrows a few times and when he gets really angry lets just say I go to the Lord it seems to calm me and then I can redirect him. Not the same believe you I know!!! I thank God daily that I have not had to fight the fight, but I pray for all the mommas out there that do!
ReplyDeleteGod Bless,
Rose Anne
Thanks for your prayers, for "all of us mamas".
Delete:) :) :)
Oh my goodness--I am a long-time lurker, but this post has spurred me to comment. Clearly, some of your commenters--though no doubt well-meaning--have no idea what it's like to work with children with attachment issues.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter does not have RAD but does have a lot of RAD-like behaviors related to PTSD and attachment. Every year before school starts, I sit down with the principal, the counselors, and her teachers to explain where our child is coming from and the best ways to interact with her in a classroom environment.
I do not see this as "airing my child's dirty laundry" or anything negative along those lines. Rather, as a parent, I am doing my job to ensure that everybody involved--child, teacher, administrator--has the information they need to have the best school year possible.
I am not telling them about my daughter's behaviors to make them think she's a bad kid. Just the opposite, I am telling them about her behaviors to help them understand why and how a *great* kid can get stressed to the point of displaying some pretty crazy behaviors.
Also, at the risk of sounding like a Negative Nelly (and I sincerely hope I don't discourage you!), I'd like to throw out the idea that your daughter and her teacher may be going through a "honeymoon" period.
For example, my daughter always starts off school stunningly well. That first week or so, her teachers think she's so helpful and polite that they can scarcely believe the things we've told them about her. But then, around week 2 or 3, the stress of the school/classroom overwhelms our girl, and she crashes and burns. (Sometimes quite spectacularly!)
That's when it's SO helpful to have that line of communication already open with teachers. Which is why we inform her teachers beforehand of our daughter's typical patterns (behaving well at first, then getting really stressed out), of ways to minimize her stress and help her succeed in a classroom environment, etc.
And I keep checking in with her teacher throughout the school year to see how my daughter is doing at school, if she's stressed about anything in particular, and what we can do to help make things better.
This has been by far the most successful approach we've taken for getting through the school year. (We tried being more "hands-off" initially, and it was a mess.) Yes, you may at first seem to be a high-maintenance parent when you're requesting meetings with teachers and counselors, but in the end, everyone benefits from your honesty. (And everyone at our school--teachers, counselors, etc.--has repeatedly thanked us for our involvement and assistance with our daughter.)
Like you said in your latest post, no parent would think twice of informing their child's school about developmental delays--why would we think any differently of informing them about attachment issues, which are very much a kind of developmental delay?
Anyway, that's just our experiences. I hope and pray that whatever you decide to do will turn out to be the best decision for your daughter. And if you lean toward saying something to the school, you may want to check out Nancy Thomas' sample letter for RAD parents to give to their children's teachers: http://www.attachment.org/pages_teachers_letter.php
Spot on :)
DeleteAs a former and hoping to be a full time teacher again, I want to know if there are medical issues. I don't care if it's ADD, ADHD, RAD, Aids, the list can go on and on. YES it's a balancing act, but it really helps when I have a basic knowledge of the medical issues, then I can have some compassion for the family and the student. And we can all work together to help the child be successful. And that's what it's all about....THE STUDENT/CHILD.
Thank you, "K" for commenting. So good to have you de-lurk. :)
DeleteWe are definitely watching for the "crash & burn". While she is still going strong at school ... her evening behavior at home is rapidly going downhill. We are walking through REALLY tough stuff at home almost every night. So.Not.Fun.
Thanks, also, for the link to Nancy Thomas letter to teachers. We will definitely check that out. We have watched, and really appreciate, Nancy's video series.
Laurel :)
Everyone has to be on the same page. Before our daughter starts her school year we make a point to sit down with all staff involved and explain what they are in for. This usually involves our psychologist for those who cannot take what we, as parents, say as gospel (we are in no way professionals...we just live with a RAD child..insert sarcasm).We are a team. I have to explain to her caregivers/teachers at school that their role is "mommy". There has been a lot of trial and error, and some so called team players thinking that they knew better how to handle a RAD child...only because they had a diploma saying that their opinion was gospel. Kind of like a disruption. It is tiresome to go over and over all the negatives and sometimes I question myself..."is there anything positive?". But I do it to help my daughter. To help other people overlook the behaviours and see a hurting child, instead of a "bad child". I often have to explain it as this...Imagine my daughter having OCD, or autism instead. Those diagnosis come with certain behaviours. Why then are those behaviours overlooked or somewhat accepted because it comes with that territory. These children often do not have the stigma of being bad because of it, it is what it is for them. And RAD is what it is for us. No different, we are all struggling, just on a different paths. That is why I want to educate everyone who is going to have somekind of relationship with my daughter, of why she does things the way she does. So, thank you for your transparency because up until a couple of days ago, I thought no one would ever understand.
ReplyDelete"Wildflower" ... I am so glad you have jumped into these discussions ... and glad that you now realize you are not alone, there are many other mamas who DO understand. :)
Delete:) :) :)
Thank you, from a Mamma in the trenches.
ReplyDeleteI am soooo glad you are willing to discuss and be so open. It makes me feel less lonely. So many times I end up feeling like I am just ripping at my child all the time. Everyone sees the good, and gets the good; I sometimes feel it is just me who is being the bad parent. I love our son soooo much. But he terrifies me with this "split-personality" (I know its not that...I just liked your description). I want him to succeeed in life. I want him to thrive. I don't want others to stigmatize him. But I don't want others to feed into his negative cycles. And my biggest fears is that he takes these things and destroys much more.
Telling even the "non-believers/see-ers" at least allows them to be aware. If there ever were a day...I don't want it to be out of the blue. I am so grateful His teacher - although she doesn't comprehend - at least knows what signs to look for if it should come to that. I know there is usually a honeymoon stage for many children who struggle, and some of those stages are short. Some are long. We started public school last August. The most the teacher has seen is that he disengages (shuts down briefly) when he is overwhelmed. Sadly he holds onto it and brings it home. But she was able to pick up on that tiny clue because of all the conferences and meetings we have had where we informed her. So although she doesn't have to deal with the big stuff at least it is something.
Please keep posting. Please keep talking. You are one of the few who does and who are a life-line for many other mothers who need a voice out there. Thanks.
May the Lord bless you!
Ladies thanks for sharing. I usually don't write on Mama D's blog, but this last two weeks has been......well you all know. It's good for me to know you are out there and at times alone as we are wondering if anyone will really understand what goes on inside our four walls. Again, thank you for sharing and the support you give to us. :)
ReplyDeletePapa D
I'm sorry that you misconstrued my intentions. My comments were in an effort to help you "look on the brighter side" of the situation by being grateful that she WAS doing well in school and that her behavior (which I said I didn't doubt)was not spilling over into school.
ReplyDeleteEvidently, you felt attacked and that was not what I was doing.
I have had 200+ children in my home over the past 32 years and have seen and dealt with rages that would frighten the most fearless of parents and adults. The only thing that has kept me going is being able to focus on the positives that a particular child has. I don't doubt your love or devotion to your RAD child, I just wanted to encourage you to see something positive. You probably do, but your post concerning the discussion with her teacher didn't reveal that to me. This is ONLY my opinion and not a judgement that you must defend. Peace and blessings to you and your family.
"Anonymous" ... I was not in the least offended by your comments. As I said, "I am not at all offended by the comments that bring hard questions. I believe that they help us all to really dig deep for the answers, and grow together in the process."
DeleteOne of the things I realized by several commenters was that I am not verbalizing to you how much I love, pray for, encourage my little Rachel. This was very good for me to learn from the comments.
I ... IN NO WAY ... felt attacked (and said that multiple times in this post) Oh how hard it is sometimes to get my heart and emotion through the words I write. I tried so hard to tell each and every commenter that their comments were GOOD to read ... GOOD to process.
I WANT to hear from you. I NEED to hear from those who have walked this walk before me. I APPRECIATE your experience and encouragement.
Please ... keep writing ... keep sharing ... keep adding to our discussions.
Children diagnosed with ODD often act the same way... Great at school or with other adults, and at times unbearable at home. my son has ODD (along with other issues) and I often hear things like 'Are you sure, he's so (insert pleasant adjective here)' and while I agree, he can be (insert pleasant adjective here), he can just as often be rude, manipulative, irritating, and on & on. They just don't see the other side. I totally feel your pain. The teacher especially does need to know they just need to get more education on what it is.
ReplyDeleteI believe that our Little Miss also has ODD. We don't have an official diagnosis, but I believe we are definitely dealing with more than RAD. We are hoping to have a psychiatric evaluation soon, which will give us the official diagnosis.
DeleteWe have a son that displays different behavior at school than he does at home. At school, he talks, engages, hugs, participates, expresses delight, has deep affection for his teacher and shows it. Home? Does not engage, have conversation, hug, talk, express emotion at all. In fact, when I try to start a conversation he freezes and is unable to answer/contribute, or when I ask him to sit on my lap...yes,ask...he is as stiff as a tree trunk. After nearly three years, he has started stealing and lying. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing-People have no idea what we parents with RAD children deal with. Even family members act like we are crazy! My husband thought I was crazy until I went off to work for 2 days a week and he had to take care of her and her behavior and saw what she was doing to me. People at our church think we are nuts. Only one other family who has a child with RAD also understands! I will Pray for your family and I hope you can pray for mine as well. I have not been that open on my blog and really don't blog alot due to how horrible I feel. I feel like I have failed as her parent. I just pray with help and alot of pray that God will see me through. Thank you for blogging it helps us that feel alone out here!
ReplyDeleteHi Carrie ... Thanks for sharing. I will pray for you and your family. My husband's unemployment (thus being home 24/7) has been an eye-opener for him.
Delete