FAITH: Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him

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Monday, April 30, 2012

I've Lost My Sheep





I am the mother of 12 children.

I love each and every one of them more than words can express.

I know that some of them love me.

I know that I have GOOD relationships with many of my children.


Yet ... the pain and the grief that I walk through DAILY, over the shattered relationships with some of my older children . . . is nearly unbearable.


“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?   Luke 15:4




Yes.  


I would give anything to "find" my lost sheep.


They are not lost, though.

They don't need their mother to find them.

They are adults.

I always encouraged them to follow their dreams and passions.

Yet . . . somehow ... I always expected I would be involved
in their lives as they followed those dreams.




I have really been struggling this week as I have read the blogs of so many young mamas of large families . . . dear and precious friends of mine.




I lived their lives . . . 20 years ago.

I had their same dreams for my family.

I said the same words that they say.

I raised my children as they are raising theirs.

Yet, some days I can't find a single word of encouragement for them.

I keep quiet.

I don't comment.

Because my heart is crying, 

"I pray that their families don't end up as ours has."


I don't even have any words of warning.

Because I have no idea where I went wrong.

I don't understand what happened.


Just a few very short years ago, 

I THOUGHT we WERE the DREAMED of 

BIG HAPPY FAMILY.


I thought all of my children would
grow up to be "Best Friends".


I thought I would talk to my adult children
every day or two.


I thought I would be involved in their lives,
even if they lived across the country.




I have no explanation.

I have no understanding.

I have no words of wisdom.




I truly believed that I had GOOD relationships
with my teens and young adults.

I really thought that they had had a good childhood.

I was excited about the good relationships
that I thought I had with my soon-to-be-daughters in laws.


I pray that these precious young blog mama's hearts 
aren't shattered as mine has been.


I pray that some day my children will choose 
to come home to their Mama.




I pray that the LORD will give me wisdom,
show me what I have done wrong,
show me what to do differently
with the young ones still at home.


After 27 years of motherhood . . .



I am lost without my sheep.








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26 comments:

  1. I pray that those who have estranged themselves, will have peace in forgiving and letting go of the past, whatever has happened. Since Christ lives in us, He wants us to love one another and forgive one another, because He did so to each one of us.

    Praying for the joy to be restored back to you with each of your children.

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    1. Thanks, Susan. Yes . . . our family is definitely in need of JOY.

      :) :) :)

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  2. Hang in there...this verse has brought my comfort recently for other reasons but it came to mind as I read your post. HUGS!!!

    15 This is what the Lord says:

    “A voice is heard in Ramah,
    mourning and great weeping,
    Rachel weeping for her children
    and refusing to be comforted,
    because they are no more.”
    16 This is what the Lord says:

    “Restrain your voice from weeping
    and your eyes from tears,
    for your work will be rewarded, ”
    declares the Lord.
    “They will return from the land of the enemy.
    17 So there is hope for your descendants,”
    declares the Lord.
    “Your children will return to their own land. ~Jeremiah 31:15-17

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    1. Wow!

      Powerful!

      " ... your work will be rewarded . . . So there is hope for your descendants . . . Your children will return to their own land."

      THANK YOU for sharing.


      Laurel :)

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  3. Maybe you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe they just made their own choices just like Adam and Even in the garden. Mothers deal with so much guilt and it is only a tool of the enemy to discourage us. One thing I had to remind myself over and over again when we were going through our hard time was that God was the perfect parent to Adam and Eve yet they still chose to disobey him and doubt his word and His love. They chose to break their relationship with Him even though they were the closest anyone has ever been with God. They also lived in a perfect world without peer pressure or modern temptations yet they still walked chose to walk away from that all.

    I know that doesn't make it easier to deal with but I pray that you won't allow guilt to overwhelm you. If you did do something wrong may God grant you the grace to see it but if you didn't may God grant you peace and comfort in it all.

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    1. Wow!

      "God was the perfect parent to Adam and Eve yet they still chose to disobey Him and doubt His word and His love. They chose to break their relationship with Him . . . they lived in a perfect world . . . yet still chose to walk away from that all."

      So true.

      Great perspective.

      I am BLESSED by the specific words of encouragement that you, and others, have shared.


      Laurel :)

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  4. okay. I blogged this yesterday. I think you may have copied it. (i joke...but you know i'm not laughing) i finally erased the blog by accident and just didn't have it in my heart to re-type it. i totally understand. if we lived close - i'd have you over for a cup of coffee or tea and we'd sit and just wonder together. laugh. cry. and carry on. from one broken hearted mama to another.
    a nod and a hug and a look of KNOWING what that road looks and feels like right NOW.
    M

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    1. Sure wish we could get together for a coffee date.

      So sorry you are walking a similar journey.

      :) :) :)

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  5. I'm sorry Laurel...that is the one greatest fear of my heart...and part of the reason I think that I have had a guarded heart towards my children this past year. I don't want them to break my heart, and I don't want to lose my faith in God and my hope for the future. Still not sure how to go forward in love and faith because I love them so fiercely and want so badly to have an enduring legacy with my kids, but don't know how to "create" that. I know so many who have poured every ounce of their heart into their children only to have them walk away from God and family. I want to do right by them, but at times I am afraid to put it all out there any more because then I will lose whatever is left of me. Does that make sense? While reading this post, one of my favorite songs was playing on Pandora....I often cling to these lyrics and hope and pray that no matter what comes down the road, I can still say "Blessed be the name of the Lord..." I hope that for you too....

    Blessed Be Your Name
    In the land that is plentiful
    Where Your streams of abundance flow
    Blessed be Your name

    Blessed Be Your name
    When I'm found in the desert place
    Though I walk through the wilderness
    Blessed Be Your name

    Every blessing You pour out
    I'll turn back to praise
    When the darkness closes in, Lord
    Still I will say

    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your name
    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your glorious name

    Blessed be Your name
    When the sun's shining down on me
    When the world's 'all as it should be'
    Blessed be Your name

    Blessed be Your name
    On the road marked with suffering
    Though there's pain in the offering
    Blessed be Your name

    Every blessing You pour out
    I'll turn back to praise
    When the darkness closes in, Lord
    Still I will say

    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your name
    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your glorious name

    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your name
    Blessed be the name of the Lord
    Blessed be Your glorious name

    You give and take away
    You give and take away
    My heart will choose to say
    Lord, blessed be Your name

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    1. Sandra . . .

      First of all, I want to just give you a big hug. :)

      Secondly, I pray that you won't allow my story to affect how you show love to all of your young ones. I do NOT allow the pain from the older ones to cause me to pull back from the young ones. Actually, I hold them a little closer . . . I enjoy each and every snuggle (which I did with the olders, also) . . . and I PRAY that they don't walk away when they grow up, too.

      I will share . . . oddly, it is the ones who have struggled the most with life decisions that have given Papa & Mama the most grace this year (as we have given them grace) . . . it is the ones that are "walking daily with the Lord" that have walked away from Papa & Mama this year. Strange, is't it?

      I have also not in any way allowed the pain from the Big Kids to pull me away from God. Again, I believe it has drawn me CLOSER. When I cannot put my trust in my husband nor my children, I MUST put every ounce of my faith and trust in the Only One who will never forsake me.

      Thanks for sharing this song. I, too, love it. "On the road marked with suffering, there is pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name. . . . When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

      This past year has been filled with overwhelming darkness, yet I do still shout with joy, "Blessed be the name of the Lord". He will continue to carry us through each and every dark night.

      Laurel

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  6. I've been reading still (although I missed the big drama post a month or so ago, for which I'm thinking I'm thankful), but just not commenting as much. I wanted to comment on this, though.

    I have alluded to (and written very specifically about very few things) all the struggles we've been having with Little Lady around here. Last weekend (weekend away for me and the Hubby), I broke down and wept, telling him, "The absolute only thing that is going to cause her to not grow up and hate me is the Gospel." Only Jesus can break through the hard-heartedness I am already seeing in my tiny little 4 year old girl. It terrifies me, but comforts me to know that all of life, and this parenting work, is Solus Christus. I know of many families with adult children, in which some of the children view childhood and their parents through a very different lens than the others do. It is hard, it is scary to watch. And I cry and pray, "There but for the grace of God shall we go also, Lord please draw us all into yourself and protect us from that strife."

    I have to join the others in reminding you that this is not because of something YOU have done. It is true that none of us well-intentioned mothers are perfect, and in my short career as a mother, I know there are things to repent of and grieve over, things I should have done differently, could have done better.

    Perhaps there are still things to repent of, ask forgiveness for? But you cannot be accountable to an individual's (and adult, no less) response to a genuine plea for forgiveness and reconciliation. Only Christ can soften hearts and restore relationship. My own heart hurts for you; as I think about the future relationship I can see for my own little sheep outside of Christ continuing this work in all of us, and I can only imagine the bereavement and devastation you feel. Praying for you and your beloved children, sweet Mama friend.

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    1. Thanks, Lauren.

      Always good to hear from you. :)

      So sorry you continue to walk a difficult path with your Little Lady.

      Hope your weekend is BLESSED!

      Laurel

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  7. I recently had a very wise woman tell me, "Even if you mess up, even if you do do something to make your children go on the wrong path, if it is a path that will ultimately bring them broken and on their knees in front of Jesus, then that path was worth it to bring them closer to Him." God gave you the children you have because He knew you would be the perfect mother for them- you wouldn't be perfect, but you'd perfect for them.

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    1. Thanks, Allison.

      Those are words from a wise woman. When our oldest son told us last summer that his girlfriend was pregnant, I looked him in the eye and said, "If this is what the Lord uses to bring you close to Him, than we will rejoice."

      We have given him much grace and love this year. We have prayed for them. They got married. They gave us a beautiful grandson. And ... their hearts are turning towards the Lord. We do rejoice!

      :) :) :)

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  8. I think I must be missing something here. Or you maybe just have not shared publically. But I want to say that you are a wonderful mother and you never mentioned anything here about situations with your children that caused they to leave because of hurt feelings and such. I thought they just moved to other States and farther away. That for sure doesn't mean they have truly left you....or maybe I'm missing something.

    Each of our children have their own lives...they are persuing their own careers and families...and if you are having a broken heart because of them leaving the nest...then know you have done a wonderful job raising them to young adults...and now let them go and do that and know that you have done the job God called you to do.

    However if they are upset with your or angry for something...know I will be praying as well. And I also think it's hard to form relationships with any family or in-laws when people are half way across the country...but the love is still there. And we shouldn't expect for them to always call...at least here in Canada paying for long distant charges is expensive...and more expensive for young people just starting out.

    I'm not by any means criticizing you for ANYTHING....just pointing out that the hardest thing is letting our children go and make a life for themselves away from us mama's....but God gives us strength and we need to move on and let them live...and we need to enjoy every single day WE have regardless of where our children are.

    But I also know that if there are issues between children and in-law children, God can heal anything...but we just need to leave it at His feet and enjoy and embrace each moment we have...because we have no guarantee of tomorrow.
    Well, off my soap box...hope I didn't say anything inappropriate to hurting...it is definitely NOT my intention. As as you know it's impossible to give any emotion in blogland LOL.

    But know I will be praying.

    Hugs,
    Connie

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    1. Thanks, Connie.

      No offense, at all. I did write a little post of clarification. Thanks for pointing out that it was a little confusing since I had not written of the problems.

      My children have lived all over the world for the past 8 years. Jeremiah spent a year in Jordan. Carissa spent 3 years in Argentina. Gregg lived 2 1/2 years in Iraq. Lindsey is now living in Australia. Each of them has left with my BLESSING.

      What we are going through now has nothing to do with physical distance ... everything to do with spiritual/emotional distance. Relationships are broken . . . shattered. Truly heartbreaking.

      We are trusting God and believing for His restoration power!

      Thanks for your continued prayers.

      :) :) :)

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  9. PRAYING for you, for your lost sheep that don't want to be found right now. That some day they and you will be fully restored!

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  10. I too don't know the whole story, don't know if you wrote about it and I missed it or what but that doesn't really matter. One thing I have had to learn with my sons (don't call them children any more, because they are 32 and 35 is that I had to let them go, do their own thing. We raised our sons the best we could with what we had and today we are thankful that we have a relationship with both of them and their families. Is it the relationship I would want to have with each of them ~ no. I would love to get phone calls from them each and every day, love to Skype with them every other day, get written letters from them all the time. And do I? No, I hear from them when they want to call me, usually because they want or need something from us.

    But what I have realized is that I am sure I did things that my mother and mother-in-law cringed about and over. Did I care? Nope, I did my own thing. What I have learned is to step back, be thankful for the relationship I do have with them as individuals and as a family. And I find myself reaching out a bit more to them: sending a card/post card, calling for no reason but to let them know we love and miss them in our daily lives.

    We have made some decisions in our life that has moved us to the midwest while both of our sons and their families live on the west coast. And it is hard to "be there" being so far apart. I am trying to find joy in every conversation I have with them. And if I find I am missing them a bit more, then I pick up the phone, send them an email or mail them a card.

    Hang in there Laurel, continue to put them in God's hands and do the best you can with what you have. Trust that they are okay because you don't hear from them or the police or??? Find something each day that brings a smile to your heart. God is good and he will take care of them. Hugs to you my friend!

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  11. Hi Laurel,
    I'm a regular reader, infrequent commenter. I'm so sorry to hear about your broken relationships with your children. I hope that time and God will heal the wounds of the divisions.

    I keep going back and forth about whether to jump into problem-solving mode. I can be a little like a man that way... wanting to try to fix what's broken rather than just listen. So I totally understand if this is not what you are seeking from commenters, and know that I am jumping in trying to be helpful because I'm not as good at comforting words as some others are.

    With that in mind... some thoughts have come to mind. Questions I have for you to answer for yourself, not for the public... in order to bring some sense. I guess what I'm wondering is whether there was a single event or a couple of events where suddenly all of the older kids decided to pull away, or whether it's been gradual and at differing times for the differing kids. Is this mostly several young adults who need some space and time to realize who they are? Or is this a group deciding that they didn't like how you handled situation X? When you have spoken with them in the past year or two, is it possible that things you intended to be gentle suggestions came across as unwanted advice? (speaking as a formerly young adult who still has issues with my own mother in this area... she often doesn't realize just how demoralizing it is to hear endless 'suggestions' for how something can be done a better way). When they do reach out and call or email you, do they hear a sincere "How are you? How have you been?" or do they hear, "gee, it's about time you called." or "I'm so lonely"?

    Again... those questions are meant to be just... ways to reflect if you are in a problem-solving mode. I may be barking totally up the wrong tree as you (rightfully in my opinion) are respecting your kids' privacy by not sharing details.

    I think it's wonderful how you've given your kids roots (with their faith) and wings (that they've gone out into many corners of the world). I hope that it's all just a matter of needing a little time and space from their parents to learn about who they are.

    Best wishes,
    Anita

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    1. Thanks, Anita.

      No offense taken. Great questions to be asked.

      So much to say . . . would love to "defend" myself . . . but will continue to do my best to respect my kids' privacy by not sharing details.

      :) :) :)

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  12. Oh, I so understand your feelings. I,too, have big kids that I feel I have lost. I don't understand how they can view their childhood the way that they do. I have searched my heart and my memories for an explanation and can find none. Sometimes, I feel that our culture of "victimness" may play a part. Everyone feels that they are entitled to an easy, happy life and someone(other than themselves) must be to blame if they don't have it.I still have young children at home and I honestly can't say that I am raising them any differently than my two oldest, and I believe with all my heart that I am a good, if flawed, mother. I think you probably were too. Maybe we need to let our children see us as less than perfect, maybe then they would be able to understand how hard we are trying to do things well and right. My own mother says "if you want to raise someone who will be grateful to you,get a dog,they appreciate everything.

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    1. Looks like we are right at the same place. Thanks for commenting.

      I have searched my heart . . . I have prayed for the Lord's wisdom . . . and He has not shown me any areas that I "totally messed up" in. I, too, continue to parent as best that I can, knowing that I am not perfect yet seeking Him for daily wisdom, grace, and strength.

      "Maybe we need to let our children see us as less than perfect, maybe then they would be able to understand how hard we are trying to do things well and right."

      Very true.

      :) :) :)

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  13. I'm sorry you are in such pain. I see it with my own mother over a broken relationship with one of my brothers. Your situation sounds similar to ours. As someone said to my mother once, a daughter is a daughter for life; a son's a son till he takes a wife. This is even more true when the wife has her own agenda and it is not to create family unity. It has been heartbreaking for her so I truly hope that things improve for your family.

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  14. Wow. Heavy stuff. I don't think there are any clear answers at times. I know I strayed when I was a young adult and that was totally on my shoulders. I more than made up for it when I came to my senses but I know that doesn't change the heartache I caused my parents. Heartache because they didn't understand or support my choices (life in the theater and traveling across the country). But as my parents' caretaker in their later years I know I did the right thing by them even if I disappointed them at times. You have a large family and so many relationships that one mama can't even begin to do it all. Some of our kids learn best through failure and unwise choices and others claim their walk with the Lord on their own. Kids can grow up in the same home and still turn out differently because of many factors. We are sinful and our sin is our own. As time goes by I pray you will be able to establish frank conversations that will help you accept, if not understand, why your children are the way they are. They are adults. Their choices now are on them. I know it breaks your heart and I'm so sorry. I just have to believe that only God knows the master plan and sometimes it takes breaking us until we relinquish control. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thanks, Friend.

      "You have a large family and so many relationships that one mama can't even begin to do it all." Oh. So. True. Adding 4 sons and daughters-in-law in 14 months is challenging, to say the least.

      "Kids can grow up in the same home and still turn out differently because of many factors." Oh. My. Yes.

      Hope your weekend is BLESSED!

      Laurel :)

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  15. Laurel, this is heartbreaking. For the first time, I 'heard' you say daughters-in-law, instead of daughters-in-love. You seem to have so much love to give, I know it must be killing you to be blocked out of certain lives. Don't let guilt consume you. (Easier said than done, I know.) I hope and pray that you will soon find you lost sheep.

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