FAITH: Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him

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Friday, April 27, 2012

Who am I ?



I used to be someone who rarely cried.

Now . . .  tears are just waiting to flow . . . all. the. time.


I used to be someone who thought I was strong.

Now . . . I am oh. so. weak.


I used to be confident.

Now . . .  I second-guess everything I say and do.


I used to think I had life pretty much under control.

Now . . .  I've lost control in every area.


I used to always ask others how I could pray for them.
(and I do still pray for others)

Now . . .  I ask everyone to pray for me.


I used to be a mother of a "Big Happy Family".

Now . . . I don't even know what to tell people about my family.


I used to be an inspirational writer and speaker.

Now . . . having failed in all of the areas that I used to speak about,

I don't feel as if I have anything left to share.



We are loving our new church.

I am meeting lots of ladies at Bible Study and Small Group.

But . . .  I am really struggling to know how to be friends,

when I no longer even know who I am,

when I'm certainly not going to really share 


the nitty gritty of my life with them.


I don't even know what to say when people ask about my family.


"Hi.

I'm Laurel.

Yes.

I'm married.

You haven't met my husband because he's been at work.

What does he do?

He might be moving away for a year to work.

I have 12 children.

What do my older kids do?

I don't really know . . .

I don't hear from them very often.

My adopted kids?

Yes.

I adopted 3.

We only have 2 left.

It's not going very well.

Have you heard of R.A.D.?"



No.

I don't actually say those things.

I just smile.

"Hi.  I'm Laurel."

"Yes.  These are all my kids."


At Bible Study they ask,

"How can we pray for you?"

I respond,

"I'm walking through a tough time.

We've had a tough year."


They nod assuringly . . .

as if they understand.



Seriously.

I feel like such a complete FAILURE,

that I have NOTHING to share about my life

with any of the women that I meet.


I'm not just going to DUMP the past 4 years of my life,

on someone I've just met.

But, at the same time, I have absolutely

no energy to be FAKE.

Nope.

Can't go there.



How about . . .

"Hi.

I'm Laurel.

I like to scrapbook."


Period.

That's it.

The only positive thing I can come up with.

End of story.




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28 comments:

  1. Hey how about, "Hi I'm Laurel and I am a blessed child of God." YOU are NOT a failure, you are his child, you belong to him!! Consider this:
    Proverbs 3:5-6
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.
    Prayin for you Sister!

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    1. Thank you, sweet friend. I feel your prayers!

      :) :) :)

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  2. I understand this more than you know...while I have NOT gone through what you have gone through, I am at a place where I am not sure who "me" is anymore. Where I used to speak words of encouragement and life, passion and purpose, I am now quiet. Where I used to pray and seek fellowship with others, I prefer to keep my heart and thoughts to myself. I also feel that I have "failed" in most everything I set out to do, and most of all, my heart towards my children has grown somewhat cold and my sense of purpose regarding my family and future is foggy and non-existent. What am I doing? Still talking to God, sharing with my husband occasionally what is in my heart, but mostly I am quiet. And waiting... and hoping that God will fan into a flame the little ember of "me" that is still there somewhere. So, I understand your reluctance to "dump" on new people, to open your heart up and share when there is just SO much that has gone on. Pray for a "kindred spirit" friend, one who will understand your heart just as it is. That's all you need is one kindred spirit friend to make all this endurable. :)

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    1. Thanks, Sandra.

      I'd love to do coffee ... if you want to break your silence. :)

      Hugs!


      Laurel

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  3. I have and in alot of ways are still where you are,It is heart breaking to raise kids,and their choices hurt us and them.But I think God has big plans for you and your family and He is using this time to get you ready for his plans.It's hard but thanksfully God doesn't forget us.will pray for you.

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    1. Thank you!

      I am trying to hold on to a bit of hope that the Lord will, indeed, use us once again for His purposes and His glory. Praying that He does have big plans for our family, and that we would be able to walk in those plans.

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    2. Laurel, God is already using you for His purposes. You are reaching out to people who are not in your neighborhood, encouraging them (us), mourning with them(us), not dimissing them (us) - you are understanding pain that many do not - that in and of itself is the best way to reach out and help. In this you serve Him - you still have faith - you show that although faith and hope are being tested - you are still holding on. You are still ministering and preaching - it is merely the audience that has changed. Many missionaries and disciples of Christ had to go beyond their borders and beyond "their" people (can you tell I am reading in Acts=)? ) It is not different for you - your audience and style of ministering has changed - but the message is still the same.
      I have often tried to pour out my heart to someone - who just can't grasp the pain and suffering we are enduring. Instead of giving unwanted or dismissive advice you are able to really understand. It is hard for me to accept advice and counsel - when the person is smiling and telling me to just rejoice in God. It is different when I know that a person has struggled and is teaching through the tears anyways.
      You are a daughter of God. You have a large family that is in transition, you are rediscovering who you are for the next leg of your journey, you are preaching a new level of the Gospel of Christ, your faith has found new depths and dimensions. You are still a woman who has learned how to be frugal, a good steward, inventive, clever, - you are now able to do these things when times are tough and everything is in turmoil. It is easy to be frugal when life is "normal." It is different in famine times or war times or unemployment. You are a woman who is finding new corners of herself, and adding new additions, all while holding others up. You are a friend to strangers in distant places in the world. You are woman who is exploring new territories.And again...
      You are God's Daughter.
      Prayers and hugs are being sent your way!

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    3. Thanks. That was beautiful. I will hold onto the things you have shared. I am blessed by your encouragement.


      Laurel

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  4. My dear sweet Laurel,
    I know I can call you my friend and I feel heartbroken for you and how you do not know who you are anymore. I know some of your story and I can only guess at why you feel you have nothing to offer and that you took a 'blow' knocking you breathless and self-esteem trickling away. I wrap my love and support around you my sweet Laurel. I pray you can find yourself again and in that, find happiness too. It might be a new role but, I pray you can find yourself at the top again. I love you friend, and need to have coffee again with you SOON!!! It is a bit odd that I had a post a few days ago about the 'true us' underneath the surface...I don't know if you read that one; http://melody-mae.blogspot.com/2012/04/underneath.html

    sending you my prayers, love and FRIENDSHIP!!
    melody

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    1. Thanks so much for your love and support. It means so very much to me. :)

      Yes. Please. Coffee. Soon.


      :) :) :)

      Delete

  5. I just nodded in agreement with this post. I get it. I really do. I havent walked ALL that you have walked. Our journey's our different. But yet, very much the same.
    And like you, we are in a new church with new people. And I am not quite sure how to connect. I sometimes feel "phony", although I am not trying to be. At times, I feel as though I am trying too hard. That I should let friendships naturally, and not push them. But I want SO badly to connect!
    And I have a "big kid" that has walked away from our family because of RAD. She wants nothing to do with us anymore. And when we do meet new people, and we talk about our kids, I have no idea what to say about her. Do I tell the whole story? I dont even know anymore.
    Anyway, just wanted to say I hear you dear one.
    You are not alone.
    No advice to offer. Just friendship, without judgement.

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    1. Thanks, Cindy.

      Sadly, I am finding it all too common that young people are turning away from their families. :) So sorry that you, too, are walking that road.

      Hope you find a way to connect within your new church.

      :) :) :)

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  6. Hugs to you Laurel. I know too well the feelings and questions of "who am I?" and where do I fit in? having once again to move so unexpectedly and finding ourselves in a new town, knowing no one and yet wanting friends - girl friends to just chat, couple friends to share a meal, share God's love and our journey with others, wanting to share where I have been, how the Lord has worked in my life and where we are now and not feeling any place to share that is so hard.

    I wish we were close enough to have a cup of java and share some girl talk. I don't know your trials nor you many of mine but in some ways we are very similar and yet so different...maybe that's why we can relate to each other. So much to say but not sure even what to say. Hope you have a great night and tomorrow dawns new for you. Hugs my friend!!

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    1. Ali . . . Praying God leads you on your new journey, and that you come to a place where He will BLESS you with "girlfriends" and couple-friends. Friends are sooo... important, people to just "do life" with.

      Hugs back to you.

      :) :) :)

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  7. You like to scrap book? *wink*
    Oh sweet Laurel, you have so much to offer, you give so much of yourself... God does have a plan; keep on keeping on until it He shows it in a more resounding way. Sometimes us getting through the tough stuff give us a way to reach the hurting, because let's face it, unless someone has been on a similar journey, they just won't understand...but you will. you will know just what to say, when not to say it, how to relate and encourage, and how to listen, care, share. How do I know this? because you already do...
    (((hugs))) Sheri

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    1. Thanks, Friend.

      Knowing that God is with YOU as you are walking a difficult journey this year, as well. A completely different kind of journey, but difficult nonetheless.

      Hugs,

      :) :) :)

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  8. A child of the King. A princess? I guess I've never been so outstanding, so I'm used to having kind of an average description. A wife. A mom. Some impressive kids, some you might not brag about. ;-) Not much of a housekeeper. Not really one for interior design, but I can cook when I'm in the mood. No real career ambitions, just plugging along making a little money. Someone trying to love God more, trying to understand how much He loves me.

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  9. How about, "Hi, I'm Laurel, and I have this blog that encourages this woman across the country...and I like to scrapbook". :-) I read a book by John Piper...something about "When the darkness doesn't lift" (or something like that). In it, he says that times of darkness are usually times of God preparing us for something in the future. It was a short read, and very encouraging.

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    1. Thanks. :)

      I do hope and pray that God is preparing us for something GOOD.

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  10. You have MUCH to offer in friendship. I am praying that the Lord will develop some closer friendships out of your new church family. As you're getting to know people, tell them you enjoy scrapbooking, roadtripping around the country with your kids, homeschooling, COFFEE, playing cards, late-night chats, cheering at baseball games and track meets, and blogging. Tell them you love encouraging other women in their walk with the Lord and sharing with them the Lord's faithfulness even in the midst of trials. Tell them the last few years have included many trials and changes and ask them to pray for direction, strength, endurance, provision, wisdom, and healing. You don't have to share all the details at first, but over time you will connect more and share more. I would guess the hard part will be relearning to trust after being hurt by so many "friends" these last few years.

    Also, You ARE an inspirational speaker and writer (not "used to be"). I have a book on my shelf right now full of stories of how God performed miracles in the midst of D family trials. When I've heard you speak, you've always shared stories of God's faithfulness in your family's past. On this blog, you have shared many of the difficulties you've faced and how the Lord has walked with you through those. The story of your life-- past, present, future-- is that the Lord is FAITHFUL and TRUSTWORTHY. The chapter the Lord is writing right now is longer than the ones in the past, and we don't know how it will end. But, we do know that the Lord is already using your stories to encourage and strengthen others. And He will continue to do so long after you enter a new chapter.

    Praying for you!!!

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    1. Thanks, Vicky!

      BLESSED by all that you shared.


      :) :) :)

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  11. Oh I can sooooo relate to this post.....Hello, my name is Susan I love horses and gardening..Oh and I'm raising my two granddaughters :o)
    Funny.......I really hate superficial relationships.......what happened to friends who really cared....cared to know you, cared to understand and cared to let you know them?.....what ever happened to iron sharpens iron? What ever happened to lifting up eachothers burdens? It's been 20 years since I had a coffee buddy......I'm not complaining though....I have a best friend and His shoulders are so wide and His ears never tire of listening to me.He doesn't point HIs finger either.......He just loves me and tells me that He understands..He tells me I am beautiful too :o)

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    1. Oh.My.Yes. . . .

      "What ever happened to friends who really care ... whatever happened to iron sharpens iron . . . whatever happened to lifting up each others burdens . . ."

      Love this . . . "He tells me I am beautiful too". I needed to hear that today. Really struggling in that area.


      Hope your day is BLESSED!

      Laurel

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  12. Just remember God can use the broken things to reveal His glory. We are all broken. At the end of our rope. Disappointed. Discouraged. Beaten down. But your heart does remember who God created you to be and there will be a new season in your life where it will come together and you'll say, so that's what You were doing back then? I know this because I'm living this. But for me, I'm okay with, Hi, Laurel, I'm Marty and I scrapbook. Because I do. A lot. Love you, my friend.

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    1. Thanks, Marty.

      I do believe that our New Season is coming. We are so BLESSED by our new church and new friends. We are excited to see ALL that GOD has for us in the New Season that is on the way.

      :) :) :)

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  13. Sweet Laurel! I know that we have never met in real life, but I often find myself believing we are truly friends. I have loved keeping up with your family over the past year-ish since I first found your blog, and I include all of you more often than not in my prayers.

    You are walking through a time that many people have gone through, myself included. I'll be twenty-three in a few weeks, and I have also felt this way about my life. I was very involved in a ministry at my college; when college ended, could I still claim that as "my" ministry...were those still "my" Bible Study girls?

    My family is large, complete with biological, foster, and adopted siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles. Recently, I went to a wedding for an "adopted brother" and he introduced me as his "dear friend" and not as his sister. Granted, I hadn't seen him in almost four months (we currently live six hours apart because of his college choice), and we technically are not related, but this man has a large piece of my heart. He has walked with me through some of life's hardest trials. How many siblings do I REALLY have? How large is my family, TRUTHFULLY?
    On top of that, one of my "brothers" passed away right before Christmas. How many do I say I have now? Do I include Travis, in heaven...or only the ones left here on earth? What about the brother that was sent back to Belarus because his adoption was not finalized in time before the country became closed to adoption once again?

    I also (as you know) transferred schools over the Christmas holiday. Yes, I love being a Wildcat now...but what do I do with all of my Warrior t-shirts now? How long do I say I've been a teacher...a year, or a semester?

    I know my troubles are small, and I am still naive to many workings of the world...but I can empathize, at least a little bit. I know how to pray a little bit...I can do the best that I can for you...and I promise to do that!!!

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    1. Rebekah,

      Thanks so much for your sweet note . . . for sharing your heart and your story. So sorry for the pain that your "brother" caused at his wedding. How hard!

      Thanks so much for your love and prayers. I will lift you up to Our Father, as well.


      Laurel

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  14. Do you like to read a lot? (Or maybe I should say, do you have the time to read?) I ask because I have found two books (other than the Bible, which I make sure I read more than any single other book in one day) to have helped me this past year. This past year included the death of my 21-year old brother, the death of our 10-year old son, which also led to the dissolution of our teenage daughter from foster care's adoption (due to a criminal investigation into our son's death). There were several other "big deals" this past year, including my husband switching ministries (from being an ordained minister/missionary for 18 years to being an executive director of a Christian ministry, which meant selling a house I loved, leaving a wonderful supportive church family, tons of friends and moving back to the US) and there were more "crises" including a roll-over car accident- which I think I posted on your blog before about because it was in your town's paper. Oh, the list goes on and on. I THOUGHT I had dealt completely and biblically with "who I am." I was adopted from an orphanage into a large adoptive family and before we began our own family through adoption I made sure to have those identity issues resolved. BUT, losing our son sent me spinning. Not just in grief. But in trying to figure out who I was again. Anyway, sorry about the long-windedness! Two books, other than the Bible, that have helped me most are Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb and the Wounded Healer by Henry Nouwen. I know God teaches people differently but these books really helped my healing. And, yes, there is healing at the feet of Jesus! Blessings on you, Jennifer

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Thanks so much for stopping in to leave a comment. I hope you will read other comments, as well, and reply if you'd like. I am BLESSED by the discussion we can have through this comment section.

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