Guess Where I Am?

I took a little Road Trip today with Sarah, Josiah, and Elijah.  

We are spending the night at a friend's house.  Because . . .

Baby Noah 

is going to be induced TOMORROW (Monday) morning.

Woo Hoo!  Can't wait!  

The kids and I get to hang out at the hospital tomorrow.  

We brought lots of books and games.

I'll keep you posted.

Big SMILES on this about-to-be-grandma's face.

Denied!

Thanks for all of your prayers and support after reading my "Tears ..." post on Thursday night.  We are walking a TOUGH road with Little Miss.

This week I've felt like I got a little tiny glimpse into some of the struggles that people living in poverty deal with on a daily basis.    While our income the past couple of years places us solidly below the Poverty Line, I am in no way saying that we live in poverty.  We own a nice house (bought 10 years ago when the market was low, so we are not "upside" down in our mortgage, like so many people).  We own 2 vehicles that are 7 years and 10 years old (which really seems "just like new" to us).  We have food on the table, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, quality homeschooling curriculum ...

So, you ask, "How exactly have you glimpsed the life of people living in poverty?"  

We can't get help for our Little Miss.

We are desperate.

She is very "ill" with mental health issues.

For at least 3 years we have known that she needs Trauma/Attachment Therapy.  Yet ... we can't get it.  We haven't had private health insurance for nearly 3 years, and the Attachment Therapists that we know of "DO NOT ACCEPT" State Medical Insurance.  Nope.  They won't take it.  So, we have watched our precious daughter tumble further and further down hill, now nearly spiraling out-of-control.

Our primary care physician told us last week that it is time to have a Psychiatric Evaluation done on her.  He wrote a referral to Children's Hospital in Seattle.  He told us that they are required to take State Medical.

We waited and waited to hear from them about the referral.

Yesterday, I phoned Children's to ask them the status of our referral and to make an appointment ... only to be told that our referral had been "DENIED!"  Why?  Because we live in the wrong county.  Seriously?!?!

Children's Hospital accepts State Medical Insurance for medical conditions.  Elijah had surgery there just last summer.  No problem at all.  But ... the Psychiatric Department will only accept patients with State Medical if they live in the Seattle area (within the same county).

It is just so very frustrating ...

...  our daughter needs HELP and we are not wealthy enough to get her the help that she so desperately needs.


We have lived frugally for nearly all of our 30 years of marriage (with both of us working full-time for only 4 years of that time).  We have usually lived on a lot less than our friends ... our peers.  But, it really didn't matter.  It was no big deal that our friends could travel more ... take fancier vacations ... buy newer cars ... wear nicer clothes ... own bigger houses.  Nope.  Didn't really matter.

Now, however, being on the side of the "have-nots" is so very frustrating.  Our daughter needs HELP, and we can't get it for her.

We can't pay for Trauma Therapy.

We can't get her evaluated at Children's Hospital.

We can't pay for a Residential Treatment Center.

We just plain feel STUCK ... with nowhere to turn ... with no resources available.  For a year, we have searched and searched for a job for Jim ... a full-time job that would provide benefits.  But he has had rarely a nibble from all of the applications he has filled out, resumes he has sent.  Sadly, every day ... week ... month ... year ... that Little Miss doesn't get help ... results in her pulling deeper and deeper into her black hole (the very dark place that she "lives" most of the time).

We are SO VERY THANKFUL for ALL that we have ... for ALL that the LORD has provided.  But ... we pray that we may be able to get HELP for Little Miss soon, before she crashes at the bottom of her deep dark pit.

We wait hopefully (and prayerfully) for the day that Little Miss will be "ACCEPTED" into a treatment program.

A Fun Family Photo

Some of you have told me that you have really enjoyed my "Those Were The Days ..." posts.  So, I scanned a few old photos last night, and wrote a Monday Memories post for every Monday for the next 7 weeks.  (A FUN project to work on!)


Stay tuned for Monday Memories ... but here is a Sneak Peak, because I just could't wait until Monday to get started.

Here is one of my absolutely 

Favorite Family Pics ... 

from 20 Years ago ...

August 1992

Josh (almost 2)  *  Carissa & Lindsey (3 1/2)  *  Jeremiah (5 1/2)

Cassie (just about 7)  *  Gregg (just turned 8)  *  Mama (30)  *  Papa (32)

August 1992

We celebrated our 10th anniversary

We were BLESSED with 6 AMAZING children.

We were getting ready to start our 2nd year of homeschooling.

We had absolutely NO IDEA what the LORD had

planned for the NEXT 20 years.  Oh my!

These 6 kids are grown and gone now,

and we are so very THANKFUL

that we didn't stop at "just 6".

Those Were The Days ...

Frugal Friday

Here is another great question, posed by one of you readers ...

Through the job hunt I'm sure economizing has been a big priority. What tips do you have to make things stretch for a larger family?  I think you mentioned making your own laundry soap, etc. 

So glad you asked.


For the majority of the past 30 years of our marriage, Jim and I have had to learn to be very frugal.  I worked full-time and he went to school when we were first married.  Then, we both worked part-time (and he went to school) after we started our family. Then I worked full-time and he went to school full-time, while our family grew. After Jim graduated, he taught school at a small private school.  We had 5 kids, and Jim's salary was $14,000/year.  I waitressed a couple of nights per week, to add to the family income (making just $2.75/hour plus tips).


So, yes, learning how to economize has been a big priority for quite some time.  With all of Jim's unemployment this past year, we just had to step it up a notch or two.


Here are just a few of the things that we do to make our pennies stretch ...


#1  Make our own Laundry Soap.  We save a LOT of money by making our own.  Oh.Yes.We.Do.  For details, check out this post, "Real Men Make Homemade Laundry Soap".


#2  Cook from Scratch.  We are currently feeding our Family of 8 (incl. 2 adults and 3 teens) on right about $500/month.  Yes.We.Are.  We just plain don't buy:  frozen meals, soda pop (except for parties), cold cereal (except Mama's All-Bran), packaged meals (except 50 cents/box Mac. & Cheese).  We rarely buy cookies and chips (except tortilla chips for our Mexican meals).  What do we eat?  I'll write another post on that one ...


#3  Consolidate Trips to Town.  We live 10 miles from The City ... a drive I do not want to take more than I have to.  So, I make lists.  Since we drive to The City for church on Sundays, we are sometimes able to take care of our errands after church.  Otherwise, I try to only go into The City every week or two.  This cuts our gas bill significantly.


#4  We do Monthly Grocery Shopping.  We do a BIG grocery shopping trip, in The City, just once a month.  Then, we run to our local (a bit more expensive) grocery store weekly for milk, bread, and produce.  The less time we spend at the grocery store, the less money we spend.  


#5  We do our best to Save $$$ on Utilities:  


     a.  We keep our house at 62 degrees at night,
           and 68 degrees during the day, to save on
           our electric and natural gas bills.


          We wear slippers and sweatshirts to keep warm.


     b.  We unplug appliances that aren't in use,
          such as the toaster and hot pot, to save
          on our electric bills.


     c.  We turn off lights when we aren't in the rooms


     d.  We wash as many large loads of laundry as
          we can, rather than a lot of smaller loads.


     e.  We cut our landline phone service down
          to the bare minimum.


     f.  We use the lowest minutes allowable
          on our cell phone bills.




#6.  We cut costs on our Car Insurance.  We sold Mama's car.  We parked our Teen car (1988 Honda Accord) and took it off of insurance.  We took Jim's Painting Van off of insurance when he doesn't have any work.


#7  We LOVE our Espresso Machine, and save a lot of money by not going to the local Coffee Shop for our daily Mochas and Lattes.  Yummm ...




There are just a few of our Frugal Favorites.  Please share some of YOUR favorite tips for saving money.  I know that this is an area that we can all learn from each other.

Tears ...

tears are flowing, as I write this tonight ...

my heart is broken for my Little Miss ...

wondering if there will ever be healing ...

wondering if she will break us 

before God can bring healing ...

tears are flowing for my little Elijah ...

as his tears are flowing ...

he fears for his Mama when Rachel rages ...

he misses his big brothers and sisters,

more than any of us can know ...

he sobbed in my arms tonight,

"why can't everyone come home?

life was good back then ...

back when all of the big kids were home ...

now ... 

life can be just. plain. hard. ...

i am broken tonight ...

emotionally ...

my heart aches ...

physically ...

my body aches ...

Little Miss is quiet now ...

after 2 full hours of raging ...

after making threats ...

i don't know if i'll be able to go to sleep tonight ...

do i need to stay up to protect my children ...

i may stay up until papa comes home at 5:30am ...

i will need to go to the chiropractor tomorrow ...

if i can drag myself out of bed ...

questions ...

so many question fill my mind tonight ...

when can we get our appt. for the psychiatric evaluation ...
(our primary doctor wrote a referral last week to children's hospital)

what will they determine is the best course of action ...
(medication?  therapeutic foster home?  residential treatment center?)

how can i keep my family safe at night ...
(we have locked up the kitchen knives)

will she act on the threats that she makes ...
(to hurt herself?  to hurt other family members?)

how can i protect little miss from herself ...
(i believe she hates herself as much as she hates the rest of us)

at what point do i call the police ...
(what would they do?  would that just make her angrier?)

she's only a little girl ...

yet filled with more than a life's worth of pain and anger ...

while just a skinny little 10 year old ...

her rages fill her with unimaginable strength ...

my heart breaks for her ...

my arms ache to hold her, to take away her pain ...

my tears fall for her ...

my prayers cry out for her ...

please Lord ...

...  bring your supernatural healing to little miss.

...  tear down the concrete walls she has built around her heart.

...  help her to know of your never-ending love.

...  help her to know how much her papa & mama love her.

dear God ...

...  i pray that you will break the stronghold that

the enemy has on her little life.

...  i pray that your love would shine

into her darkened heart.

...  i pray that you would give us

your wisdom in our parenting.

heavenly Father ...

...  we cannot parent this child without your help.

...  we cannot walk this journey alone.

...  we cannot make it through another day

without your strength 

every. single. step. of. the. way.

Where Have All The Big Kids Gone?

Here is another question from one of you readers ...

"How are the Newly Married Big Kids doing?

I'll give an update on the non-married Big Kids, too.

Gregg (27) married Kayla on Feb. 11th.  They live 150 miles away, and are expecting Baby Noah any day now.  Gregg is the manager of a shoe store at a mall in Seattle.  (One of you sweet readers actually bought some shoes from him in December, and recognized him from blog pictures.  Too fun!)  Kayla quit her retail job last month, and is hoping to stay home with Noah for awhile.

Cassie (26) married Dean last July.  They live in Northern Minnesota.  Cassie is a Preschool Teacher and Dean owns his own Flooring Business.  They do a lot of traveling on the weekends to preach at churches around MN and ND.  Cassie is also working to build her Photography Business since her move to MN.  So, if you live in MN or ND and are looking for a photographer, just let me know.  

Jeremiah (25) married Ashleigh in December 2010.  Jeremiah is an officer in the Navy, and is currently stationed in FL for flight school.  They found a GREAT church right after moving there, and have made some good friends already.  Ashleigh is working part time as a Substitute Teacher.

Carissa (23) moved out to MN last fall to be near Cassie (after living in Argentina for 3 years).  She is working as a Barista and is taking online classes to be a certified Insurance Salesperson.  She has already been hired by an insurance company, and will start as soon as she completes the online course.  The insurance company is excited to have a staff person who is fluent in Spanish.  Carissa is involved with a GREAT young adult's ministry, and is on the Leadership Committee which is starting a new ministry in another area of the county.

Lindsey (23) just returned from a 6 week trip to Liberia with YWAM.  She has now left YWAM, and moved to Vancouver, Canada to live with a young man that she met in Liberia. If you are wondering ... "yes, we are concerned about this choice that she has made".  But, we were very glad that she came to visit Saturday night (to see Hosanna's last show).  We hadn't seen her since last August, and are glad that she isn't too far away.  We look forward to more visits this spring, as she is close enough to come down for piano recitals, track meets, etc ...  (Sadly ... she sold her car to go to Liberia, which makes the distance a bit more difficult.)

Josh (21) married Hannah last July.  They took a year off from college and are living about 20 minutes from us.  Josh works full time at a door manufacturing company, and Hannah works part-time as a personal assistant for several elderly people in town.  They hope to save up enough money to return to college in the fall.  Josh has about a year left to finish up his Secondary Education degree, with hopes of being a high school English teacher.  It is good to have them close ... they came over for dinner last night so that Josh could make Pad Thai for all of us.  Yummm ...

We GREATLY MISS all of the Big Kids ... and Oh.So.Wish that they lived closer.  But, we are excited for ALL that the LORD is doing in them ... and through them.  Our desire for them has always been that they would ...

...  follow the Lord.

...  follow their dreams.

...  pursue their passions.

While we may all attend 

different kinds of churches ...

While the dreams we had for them 

may not be their dreams ...

While we may not always agree 

with the choices they've made ...

We do REJOICE in the fact that

each and every one of 

Our Big Kids Love Jesus!!!

We pray ...

 ... that they will continue to

seek Him for wisdom, daily.

... that they will passionately

pursue HIS best for their lives.

... that they will trust HIM

in each and every area of their lives.

... that they will choose to serve Him,

in their local churches and community.

The ultimate goal of our parenting over the past 27 years,

was to train up our children to love and serve the Lord.

And, we thank HIM for guiding us each step of the way.

We haven't been perfect parents ... nowhere close.

But ... 

we have a Perfect GOD,

that has a Perfect Plan,

for our Imperfect Family,

and ... 

we THANK HIM and PRAISE HIM

for BLESSING our lives with

each and every one of our

Precious Big Kids.

Thanks for the question.


I'd love to get more


Thoughts, Questions, Topics


from you for future blog posts.

Back to "Normal"? Maybe not ...

Papa had his first day at the Refinery yesterday (a temporary 8-10 week job, but a JOB nonetheless).


We were all looking forward to a "normal" schedule ... for the first time in 3 loooong years.


Papa got up at 4:30 am, and headed out to the refinery at 5:00.  He had to take care of some paperwork before starting work at 6:15 am.


Papa called me at 8:45 am.  I knew that something must be wrong.  Papa got the paperwork done.  He attended a safety meeting.  And ... he was then told that he could come back at 6:15 pm.  Yep.  He is working the NIGHT SHIFT.  He will be working 6:15 pm to 4:45 am.  Oh dear!  Papa is so NOT a "night owl".  He is the epitome of a "morning person", thus no complaints about getting up at 4:30 to get ready for work yesterday.


So ... Papa now gets to figure out his new schedule; and he is a VERY schedule-type of person.  He really likes his systems and schedules.  He is now trying to figure out when, exactly, he will sleep ... when he will eat his meals ... what type of meal he will take for a midnight "lunch break".


Mama is trying to figure out how, exactly, she will keep the kids QUIET for 8 hours during the day?  When will piano practice take place?  When will we be able to LAUGH and have FUN ... because we REALLY like to LAUGH?  Will we change up our meal schedule, so that we can eat with Papa sometimes?


My bet ... it will probably take us 6-8 weeks to get it all figured out ... and then the job will be over.  (smile)


We are THANKFUL that Papa has a job!  Oh.My.Yes.


We are PRAISING JESUS for this financial provision!


We are NOT complaining ... just trying to figure it out.


We are all LAUGHING at with Papa ... as we all know
that staying up past midnight will be a new thing for him.
(Whereas, Mama would have no problem on the 
grave yard shift, and did work the grave yard shift 
during her college summer breaks.)


Please pray for Papa, that he would be able to transition easily to this new schedule, and that he would be safe on his 25 minute drives home at 5:00 am, after working all night.


Thanks!

***  Update  ***

When Papa got home ... and slept for a few hours ... and got up at 10:00am, I asked him if he would be working Monday - Thursday (since he is working 10 hour shifts).  Oh.My.No.  He told me that he will be working 12 days on, 1 day off, 12 days on, 1 day off.  We certainly won't be complaining about the overtime pay.  Thank you, Jesus!

Random "Blogspot" Questions

Okay.

I need a bit of "techie" help from some of you that are more techie than I.

I changed up the Comment Box a bit, by adding the "reply" feature to each comment.  Now ... several of you have emailed me to tell me that you CAN'T COMMENT?  What happened?  How can I correct this most unfortunate situation???

My Blog Name is "Mama D's Dozen".  Now, when I leave comments, it says, "Mama D.&#s; Dozen".  Seriously?!?!  Looks like I don't know how to spell my name.  What happened???  What can I do to fix it???

Any help/suggestions would be appreciated.

What About Our Biological Children? Do They Ever Misbehave?

I got a good question from a commenter this week ...

"Curious to know your thoughts on sharing (being real) 

personal details of struggles parenting bio kids 

as opposed to being real sharing details about struggles 

with adopted kids. Are both equally legitimate opportunities 

to minister to others going thru similar struggles?"

Great questions!  I absolutely believe that parents should "be real" in their challenges with biological children, just as they would in discussing adopted children.  It has never even crossed my mind that a parent would differentiate in that way.  I read multiple blogs where parents discuss significant challenges that they face with their biological children (downs syndrome, autism, learning disabilities, etc ...).

I have actually written many posts about parenting my biological children.  In fact ...

I have written 108 posts on "Parenting".

I have written 29 posts on "Parenting Young Adults".

I have written 46 posts on "Adoption Parenting Challenges".

And, I wrote 29 posts when we were walking through our

"Adoption Disruption Crisis".

I guess I would turn the question around to anyone questioning why I would write about our struggles with adopted children.  "Why is it okay for me to write about parenting my biological children, but not okay to be honest about the challenges presented by adoption?"

Currently, only 1 of the 6 children that are still living at home is presenting HUGE challenges.  An extreme amount of our parenting energy is put into answering the question, "What do we do about Little Miss?"  Therefore, it would be only natural that I would write about such challenges.  Not only do I want to minister to others walking the same journey, but I need help, support, and encouragement from them, as well.

Now, some of you did ask some great parenting questions, which I am excited to answer in future posts.  I definitely want to address Parenting Challenges, in general, I just don't always know what types of challenges my readers are curious about.

I have a HUGE passion to minister to other Mamas ... moms with biological children ... moms with adopted children ... I certainly don't differentiate.  I have some WONDERFUL Bloggy Friends (and Real Life Friends) that are parenting 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 10 biological children.  Even though they may not be able to relate specifically to my blog posts on Parenting a Child with R.A.D., I know that they appreciate my honesty and transparency about Parenting Challenges.

So ... bring on the Parenting Questions / Parenting Challenges.  I have in no way intended to downplay the seriousness of challenges that biological children can present.

In fact ... parenting my first child was a CHALLENGE.  Oh how I wish that blogs had been invented.  (We didn't even have computers, back then.)  I would have LOVED to have an online parenting support network.  (But, the word "online" hadn't been invented yet.)

Yes ... I have walked through TOUGH stuff with my biological children. (Remember ... I have shared with you this past year the challenges that were presented when my biological son said, "Mom, my girlfriend is pregnant.")  Oh.My.Yes.  And, it is not that the other 5 children living at home are "perfect".  Oh.My.No.  It's just that right now ... at this time in our parenting life ... the challenges of R.A.D. overshadow the other challenges we happen to face on a daily basis.

Just to keep things real, I will let you in on some of our Current Parenting Challenges:

#1  How do we build relationships with all of our newly married Big Kids and their spouses (especially since most of them live far, far away?)  Adding 4 daughters and sons-in-laws to the family in 14 months brings BIG transitions.

#2  How do we help our 18 year old navigate the transition to adulthood?  When to help, when not to help?  How do we help him navigate a "best friend" relationship that has become more than "best friends".

#3  How do we help our 15 year old build friendships?  Do we allow her to wear makeup yet? How do we encourage and explain how we define "modesty".

#4  How do we help our 13 year old be prepared for the culture shock that Middle School Track Season will bring.  How do we help her "catch up" socially, after living most of her life in Africa?

#5  How do we help our almost 12 year old work through his occasional "anger issues"?  How do we help him navigate the jump from "little kid" to "almost teen"?

#6  How do we help our ADHD 10 year old focus on his school work?  How do we teach him the pitfalls of pride, when he really is good at most things he does?

While all of those are very legitimate questions/concerns/challenges ... they don't bring the heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, hand-wringing, cry-out-to-the-Lord  crises that the following questions bring:

How do we help Little Miss heal from years of trauma and abuse?

How do we navigate the world of Reactive Attachment Disorder?

How seriously do we take the threats that Little Miss makes in her anger?

Where should we lock up the kitchen knives?

How can we pay for the intensive Attachment Therapy that Little Miss needs?

How can we protect ourselves and the other children from her rages?

Do we need to install Motion Detectors?  Hidden cameras? Locks on all of the Bedroom doors?

How do we prepare Little Miss for an upcoming Psychiatric Evaluation at Children's Hospital?  

Will Little Miss be admitted to the Psychiatric Ward?

Will Little Miss need to be institutionalized (as her doctor recently said the outcome might be)?

So ... the BIG picture of our Parenting Challenges right now is that, while having my ADHD 10 year old complete his math assignments is important, it is not the first thing I think to write about when I sit down to write a blog post.

Let me know if any of the 6 Current Parenting Challenges (detailed above) interest you.  I'm sure I could write a post or two about those topics, as well.

Keep your Questions and Comments coming.  I LOVE the discussions that we have been having.

Wisdom From My Daddy

Oh my!  In every conversation I've had with my Daddy (age 93) lately, he has said things that I have quickly written down to remember.  Some are simple things ... and some more profound.  But, I feel like I keep learning new things from him ... about him ... with him.  And, sometimes it is just that what he says confirms what I have been hearing from the Lord.


In a conversation this past weekend, we were discussing all of the job options I had the past 2 months, and how the Lord continued to confirm to me that I needed to be home with my kids.  I am so very thankful that my sweet Daddy never once told me, "But, you need to get a job to pay your bills."  No.  He always agreed with me that we must continue to seek the Lord for wisdom, and respond to whatever He is calling us to (even if it doesn't always make sense).


He ended our conversation by saying, "When I look back on my life ... I made 2 Big Blunders, and both of them were when I wasn't hearing from the Lord."


First of all, isn't it amazing that, at 93, he can say that he only made TWO Big Blunders in his life?  Wow!


Secondly, doesn't it encourage you to do your very best to hear from the Lord?


I pray that I will be able to say the same thing when I am in my 90s.  And ... hopefully I won't even be able to look back and see 2 Big Blunders.  Wouldn't that be amazing ...  to live our lives so connected to the Lord that we can finish strong ... and not see any Big Blunders?


And ... just in case you are wondering ... I do hope and "plan" to live to be 100.  (smile)  I have a great-uncle that will be 103 in July, and he is still living in the house that I visited him at when I was just a young girl.  My great-granddad lived to be 96 or 97.  My grandpa on 1 side lived to 92 ... and my grandma on the other side lived to 93.  Grandpa played golf just a couple of weeks before he died ... and Grandma played the organ for 7 services per week at her retirement center, up until a month or so before she passed away.  So, I come from a looooong line of folks who lived life to its fullest until well into their 90s.  Praying that the Lord allows Jim and I such a life, as well.  


Can you imagine how many grandkids and great-grandkids we could have by then?

Are you hearing from the Lord?

Are you listening for His voice?

Is your life filled with Big Blunders,

or do you believe you are consistently

walking in His will ... His way ... His path?

Thoughts? Questions? Topics?

While the topic of our Job Search has been a BIG part of our lives the past 2 months, and the topic of R.A.D. has been filled with some deep conversations recently, I really don't want my blog to get bogged down by one or two topics.




So ...


... anything you've been wondering about the Big D. Family lately?


...  any questions you've been dying to ask?


...  any topics you would like me to share more about (marriage, parenting, growing with God, homeschooling)




I just like to check in with you now and then to find out what you would like to read about.


Let me know ...

A House Full of Friends

Remember the re-decorating / re-organizing we did last fall?  (see archives under "decorating" if you've forgotten).  Anyway, one of the things I was most excited about was fixing up our basement Rec. Room for the teens.


Hosanna is in the high school musical, and she invited the whole cast over after the show tonight.  It is midnight, and we have 25 teens downstairs ... eating, laughing, playing Kinect, playing games, eating more, laughing more, playing more.  Oh yes!  Mama LOVES to have a house FULL of friends (teens, young adults, adults ....).  


We've had a lonely couple of years, and Mama is so THANKFUL that Hosanna has made a NICE group of friends in the cast of "Once Upon A Mattress".


The boys will probably go home by 1 or 2 ... and then some of the girls are going to spend the night.  So fun!  (Yes, it is Thursday night.  Our local school takes a "Winter Break" for the State Basketball Tournament, because our boys and girls so often qualify for State.  So, there is no school tomorrow, thus the late night party on what would typically be a "school night".)


THANKFUL ... for Hosanna's new friends.


THANKFUL ... for the opportunity to be in the musical.


THANKFUL ... that so many of the cast love Jesus.


THANKFUL ... for a big house.


THANKFUL ... for all of the awesome Craigslist deals
                    we got for re-decorating last fall.




* * * * *  Don't Miss the GREAT conversation going on in the comments section of yesterday's post, "To Tell or Not To Tell ..."  * * * * *

To Tell ... or Not To Tell ... That Is The RAD Question Of The Day

Wow!  We have had a LOT of GREAT discussion in the comments of Sunday's post, "A Split Personality".


However ... even with 25+ comments, that leaves 425+ people that have read this and not responded.


Sometimes ... when a comment or two kind of "rub me the wrong way" ... or leave questions in my mind ...or I find myself still pondering the comment many hours (or days) later, I choose to respond to the comments with a follow-up post.  I figure that if one or two readers have expressed their concerns or questions, there are certainly others with the same thoughts/concerns/questions.  Such is the case, today.


While I am NOT, in any way, upset with the commenters ... their comments raised some questions in my mind that I think would be good to discuss.  These are WONDERFUL ladies ... with hearts of gold ... so please don't take this as any type of judgment against them or their thoughts/questions.


Here are a few of the thoughts expressed in the comments section of A Split Personality:


"I think you should be jumping up and down in praise that the Lord allowed you to put her in school and it is going well for her."


"Just be happy that she is doing well in school and that her behavior is not spilling over in her school environment."


Absolutely!  I believe I have said multiple times how THANKFUL we are that the Lord opened the door for her to be in school.  I know that I said in the previous post that I AM thankful that she is behaving well at school.  Oh. My. Yes.


"You don't have to prove or get the teacher to see what you put up with at home."


"I think instead of trying to tell the teacher what a problem she is ... you should talk to Rachel and tell her how proud you are of her and how well she behaves at school."


First of all, I have told Rachel over and over how proud we are of how well school is going.  I praise her for her behavior ... I praise her for her multiplication ... I praise her for how neatly done her papers are.  Yes.  I do praise her often.


Secondly, I am not at all trying to "prove" to the teacher how poorly Little Miss behaves at home.  


Another of your comments ...


"I know the Lord ... He does not try to explain to everyone all the wrongs done to Him, He just forgives, and we are supposed to act like Him.  Forgive her, and all her gross behavior."


Wow!  Seriously ... this has NOTHING to do with forgiving or not forgiving Rachel's behavior.  I am in no way wanting to "explain to everyone all the wrongs done to (me)".  This is NOT about ME.  The issue here is what is BEST for RACHEL.  I LOVE my daughter.  I have no bitterness towards my daughter.  I continually forgive her for her behavior.  I have MUCH compassion for her, and for all the trauma that she has faced in her young life.

But ...doesn't a teacher deserve to know if a student has significant issues that they are dealing with (whether physical or emotional)?

I believe that the school should be aware of "issues" that their students have.

If your child has severe allergies ... 

would you tell the school?

If your child has developmental delays ... 

would you tell the school?

If your child has learning disabilities ... 

would you tell the school?

If your child has social anxiety ...

would you tell the school?

I believe that most of you would say that

"yes", you would tell the school in

most of the above situations.

Why, then, would any parent choose to

NOT tell the school if their child has

a very serious and severe MENTAL ILLNESS???

One commenter shared this about why she informs the school of her daughter's R.A.D. behaviors ...


"I make sure to tell them of her lying because a lot of RAD kids make up lies about their families and the school believes them and calls the authorities. So I always want them to know she lies a lot."


Absolutely!  It is a HUGE fear that lies will be told ... authorities called.  We have walked that walk before (see "Adoption Crisis" in the archives), and it is a VERY hard road to walk.


Another commenter shared ...


He is a perfect angel for everyone. NO one in our town believes the nightmare we are struggling with at home: the bullying, manipulation, destruction. We have tried to find support but no one wants to believe this little boy who can recite scripture and has insightful answers and behaves so well they wish all kids were like him (yes the last is a comment from a fellow teacher who is envious she doesn't have a child like him in her class)can be so capable of the grief we are dealing with at home. I really hoped he would finally show this side of him to someone else just so we can create a support system. But 6 mos later -nothing.


So, a very understandable reason for being open and honest with the school is to create a support system ... for the student and the parents.  Absolutely!  Parenting a child with R.A.D. can be the loneliest job in the world, and parents are desperate to create any type of support system.  Isn't it always best for the child when the parents and teachers are "on the same page"?


Now ... another reason for sharing with the school that Rachel is "unstable" mentally (to put it mildly) is for liability reasons.


What if YOUR child was in my daughter's class ... and one day my daughter flipped into one of her RAGES and injured your child?  (Did you all hear about the little 8 year old boy here in WA State that brought a gun to school last week and shot a classmate?)  Seriously ... how would you feel if I had not even mentioned to the school principal or the teacher that my daughter "has issues"?  You would probably sue me for everything I have, because you would accuse me of "hiding" my daughter's problems.  Right?  


Now ... just in case some of you might have children at my daughter's school ... I do not believe such a situation will take place.  She hasn't shown any of her rage behavior outside of our home.  However ... I cannot possibly think of sending her to school without telling the school principal and teacher the type of issues we are dealing with at home.  I am not going to pretend that she is "fine", when she is not.


Again ... this is not at all about trying to prove how horrible my daughter is ... or trying to gain sympathy for how I am treated.  No.  Not at all.  This whole question is about trying to do whatever we can to HELP our dear, hurting child.  And, I believe that in order to try to bring help and healing, we must do our best to partner with the teacher ... we must do our best to try to be "on the same page" with the school.  I do not believe that it is in Rachel's best interest to allow her to pretend she is someone different at school ... to pretend there is nothing wrong at home.


I know that some of you don't understand why I would even discuss Rachel's behavioral issues on my blog (and disagree with the fact that I share how difficult things can be) ... just as some of you were appalled that I would discuss our Marriage Crisis on my blog last year.  However, I see this blog as a ministry; and in order to truly minister to others, I must be transparent about the problems that I am walking through.  


You have no idea how many private emails I receive from people thanking me for my transparency, and then sharing with me the devastating crises that they are walking through.  I am able to understand their pain ... offer insights ... bring hope and encouragement ... and most of all bring a listening ear and offer of prayer, to them in their time of crisis.  I KNOW that they would not be writing to me if I were not sharing my own struggles here on my blog.


If you don't understand why I share our struggles with R.A.D., please go back to the "Split Personality" post and read all of the comments.  The comment section is full of responses from mamas who are walking the same path ... women who appreciate that I am honest about our adoption journey ... women who need to know that they are not alone on this journey of parenting traumatized children.  And ... I also need to know that I am not alone.




I hope this has helped to answer some of your questions and concerns.  Let me know if you have any further questions about this topic.  Again ... I am not at all offended by the comments that bring hard questions.  I believe that they help us all to really dig deep for the answers, and grow together in the process.