A Season of Heaviness

Re-Posting from October 2009.

Oh My ... 

this has been a looooong 

Season of Heaviness.

Still Growing.  

Still Seeking. 

 Still Praying.

I just found this quote on my bloggy friend, Pam's Blog.  It was such an encouragement to me, that I wanted to pass it along to you, also.

"When your faith endures many conflicts 

and your spirit sinks low, 

do not condemn yourself.  

There is a reason for your season of heaviness.  

Great soldiers are not made without war.  

Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore.  

It appears that if you are to become 

a great believer you will be greatly tested.  

If you are to be a great helper to others 

you must pass through their trials.  

The uncut diamond has little brilliance, 

the unthreshed corn feeds no one, 

and the untried believer is of little use or beauty.  

There are great benefits to come 

from your trials and depression."

Charles Spurgeon

Praying that the Lord will show us His reasons for this season of heaviness.

Praying that the Lord will continue to guide each step of this difficult journey.

Praying that the Lord may grow me into a "good soldier" to do His work.

Praying that I may be a "skillful sailor" as I navigate rough waters.

Lord . . . teach me.

Lord . . . use me.

Lord . . . train me.

Thank you Lord for this season of being refined by the fire.

Be with me Lord this week . . .

. . . as I walk in uncharted territory.

. . . as I ask difficult questions.

. . . as I receive tough answers.

. . . as I seek Your will in 

how BEST to help our Little Miss.

How Do You Keep Your Children's Names Straight?

That was the question posed to Jim for a fun article in the alumni magazine for Pacific Lutheran University (where Jim and I had both attended).

Jim's response ...

"Each child likes to be known as a person not just as a kid, so names are very 

important in our family. There is a significance to each child's name and each one 

knows its importance. One thing that helps is that we were sure to avoid using the

 same first initial for all eight children. We have identical twin girls, and when their backs 

are to me I have no clue who is who. When they're facing me I can see a mole on 

Lindsey's right side, which is my left, so L–left equals L–Lindsey. 

When they were younger I just called them both Dolly."

A bonus of being a part of a fun little article ... we got professional pictures taken by a campus photographer.  Woo Hoo!  Always love us some professional photos!

February 1999

Those Were The Days ...

Busy ... but Fun

This past week has just flown by . . .

. . . the regular, everyday busyness of a large family.

. . . working through options for our Little Miss.

. . . and a bit of FUN, too.

My days are kind of blurred together . . .

but . . .

I had a 2 hour Skype chat with "Adopted Big Kids" Vicky and Kati.

They are both living in Texas, so it was so GOOD to visit.

I had a very nice coffee date with an old friend.

I think we will be renewing our friendship,

and seeing each other more often.  Happy Dance!

Thank you, Jesus . . . for friends!

I had a lunch date with a friend who TOTALLY understands 

the tough stuff we are walking through with Little Miss.

She also understands tough stuff with Big Kids.

She also understand the dynamics of a husband

being laid off for months at a time.

Yes.  

We do a LOT of understanding each other's tough stuff.

Thank you, Jesus . . . for friends that "get it".

Track Season is going strong . . .

Ben and Hosanna are both on the high school team this year . . .

we had our first meet last Friday . . .

our 2nd meet on Wednesday . . .

and we hosted a BIG meet yesterday, with 14 teams.

I was in charge of the Coaches Hospitality Room

at our big Invitational Meet, so I've been busy

organizing food, running errands for the coach,

lining up volunteers, etc. . . 

I LOVE it!!!

The first 2 meets were out-of-town away meets,

which means picking up Rachel early from school,

packing picnic dinners to eat at the track,

packing blankets to keep us warm,

making hot chocolate in our Hot Pot, to keep us warm.

But, I am NOT complaining.

Seriously.

I LOVE Track Season.

I LOVE being a cheerleader for my kids.

I LOVE getting to know their friends.

I LOVE visiting with their friends' parents.

I LOVE supporting the coaches.

Yes.  I.  Do.

On Thursday afternoon, I took a little jaunt up to Vancouver, B.C.

with Sarah, Josiah, and Elijah, to meet Lindsey's new boyfriend.

He took us all out to lunch, and then Lindsey came home with us

to visit for 5 days.  Much fun!  Good to have her home!

She may be moving overseas, so we want to spend all the time

with her that we can . . . before she leaves.

Thank you, Jesus . . . for Big Sisters!

Josh & Hannah came out to the BIG Track Meet last night.

Hannah was a BIG help in the Coaches Hospitality Room.

"Adopted Big Kid" Jared joined us for the evening, as well.

Lindsey was there. . . 

we can hardly believe it's been 5 years since she ran on the team.

I LOVE it when our Family Cheer Section is full!

Ben and Hosanna both had some GREAT races.

Thank you, Jesus . . . for daughters-in-loves!

Thank you, Jesus . . . for Adopted Big Kids!

I think we will all lay low and rest up today,

but tomorrow we will be taking another Little Road Trip.

Noah ... Grandma is coming to visit!!!

Thank you, Jesus . . . for paychecks that pay for gas to visit family!

Lindsey, Josh, Hannah, Ben, and Hosanna

have not yet met their new Little Nephew,

so a Road Trip is definitely in order.

Hopefully . . . Papa might actually have the day off on Sunday,

and be able to go meet his first grandchild. Wouldn't that be nice?

Papa has worked 19 days straight . . . 10-12 hours per day.

Yes. He. Has.

He put in 76 hours each of his first 2 weeks.

Thank you Jesus . . . for the provision of this job!!!

Wow!

What a crazy recap for a short week.

I hope YOU all have a BLESSED weekend!!!

I'm planning on it.

Grandma's Pics of the Week

Noah William David D.

He is 11 days old, 

and Grandma hasn't seen him 

since the day he was born.

Oh dear!

We must remedy that very soon!

Auntie Sarah (age 13) made him this blanket.

She also made a little matching teddy bear.

It looks like a comfy place to hang out.

Sleepy Boy

Oh. So. Serious.

His Daddy & Mommy are SERIOUS Washington Huskies fans ...

unlike his Grandpa & Grandma.   

I'm sure Grandpa will sneak in some W.S.U Cougars attire.

Grandma thinks he's adorable ... even in purple & gold.

Definitely #1 . . . until more grandkids arrive.

His Daddy loved his "Binky" too.

I'm sure Noah will be a "Little Monkey" like his Daddy and all of his uncles.

Grandma thinks it's time for a little Road Trip to visit Noah ...

and, of course, his Daddy & Mommy.

Look-A-Likes

We can't quite tell yet if Noah looks like his Daddy as a newborn,

because his Daddy never looked like a newborn.  

Gregg was 10.1 when he was born, and never wore newborn clothes.

But ... look at the resemblance between ...

                                     Noah                 and                    Uncle Elijah

                                                                                   (as a baby in 2002)

We also have quite the resemblance between . . .

                     Big Brother Ben at age 8 1/2      and      Uncle Elijah at age 10

                            (with Baby Elijah)                              (with Baby Noah)

Much fun to think/dream/wonder about 

what Noah will look like when he grows up.

What parts of Gregg will we see?

What parts of Kayla will we see?

This Grandma Stuff is a whole new world.

Lord . . . Open My Eyes

I wrote this post, on June 16, 2009  ...   just after discovering our Adoption Crisis situation (see archives).  Now, nearly 3 years later, I still need to pray this prayer.  There are still so very many hidden hurts and fears in the hearts of our girls.  So, today, I ask again, "Help me, Lord."

Lord ...

Open my eyes ... to see life through the eyes of my beautiful African children. Help me to see the life that they lived before they joined our family. Help me to see what they see. Give me a clear vision of their needs, and help me to meet each of those individual needs.

Lord .....

Open my ears ... to hear what they hear. Help me to hear their fears. Help me to know the secrets that still lie deep inside. Help me to pull them close and know how to comfort them when they are afraid.

Lord ...

Open my heart ... to feel what they feel. Help me to understand what makes their little hearts tick. Help me to feel their pain, and give me wisdom in how to help heal the hurts that they still carry in their little hearts.

Lord ...

Open my mind ... help me to know them more deeply. Help me to know when to speak, and when to keep silent. Help me to know when to encourage them to speak, and when it is okay for them to just sit in silence in my arms.

Lord ...

Help me to see my children, as you see them.

Help me to hear my children, as you hear them.

Help me to understand my children, as you understand them.

Help me to know my children, as you know them.

Lord ...

Thank you for Sarah.

Thank you for Rachel.

Lord ...

You see them,

and you love them.

You hear them,

and you know their secrets,

and you love them.

You understand them,

and you know the pain in their hearts,

and you love them.

You know them.

You created them.

You love them.

Thank you Lord.

copyright 2009  Laurel D.

Yes ... you may print this, copy this, use this.  If you pass it along to others, please include the copyright.  Thanks.

Rip . . . Rip . . . Rip . . .

I picked up a little book this past weekend (to get my mind off all of the tough stuff in my life), and found some great nuggets of wisdom.


Have any of your read, "Reckless Faith" by Beth Guckenberger?  Wow!  Great read!  Inspiring.  Encouraging.  Radical and Reckless.


She and her husband work with orphans in Mexico, and she shares a perfect description of what happens to the hearts of these precious children.

* * * * *

Later that same fall, while hosting a team from the States, I try to explain why we invited them.  "We need help with the children's hearts.  There is nothing for the gospel to be planted in.  We don't just need to cultivate the soil: we need to add soil so the seed has someplace to take root."


I look around the room and wonder if they hear me.  Do they realize we have invited them here to paint fingernails? (something she was doing when God gave her a revelation about the child's heart)


I grab a piece of paper and begin.


"Imagine that this piece of paper is the heart of an orphan.  Every one of them has been abandoned or abused.  There is no exception.  For some, they don't remember the day they were dropped off; they just slowly grew up with the realization that they live differently than the other children in the village, school, or on TV.  For others, however, they do remember the moment they were left behind, and usually it starts with a lie (about where they are going and why) ..."


...  I was talking to a group of girls the other day who were sharing their 'first day' memories.  Some of them can go back to as early as two years old and remember what they were wearing, who first picked them up, what they ate.  The impact of that first day is so strong, they'll never forget it.


"Whenever that first moment of abuse or abandonment happens, it's like ripping a heart in half."  I rip the paper.  "Then, after that first rip, more start coming."


"You are the orphan kid in school (rip).  You aren't invited to someone's birthday party (rip).  You don't feel good and no one cares (rip).  It's your birthday and no one remembers (rip).  It's visitation day and no one comes to visit you (rip)."


"Sometimes the rips happen because of the treatment you receive from other children or workers within the home (rip).   . . .  Other rips come from punishments you receive that you didn't deserve (rip), or from words that replay in your minds that were carelessly spoken (rip).  Sometimes it comes from adults who sense you are an easy prey and come back to hurt what is already considered damaged goods (rip)."


"With each rip the hearts gets smaller and smaller and harder and harder, so it's no wonder that when I told that girl, 'God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life,' she gave me a look that said, 'Great plan.  I don't want anything to do with a God who had this in mind.'"


Looking at the confetti now strewn around the room, I look up and confess, "I wonder most days, 'What can we do now? How can we possibly get started?'"

* * * * *

Yes.  

My precious daughter's heart was ripped apart . . . 

over and over and over again . . . 

before we ever brought her home.  

The pieces of her heart had been left scattered ...

trampled in the dirt across Ghana ...

from the mud hut village ...

to the inner-city orphanage.

the death of her father

abuse

neglect

malnutrition

the death of her mother

the move to the orphanage

new caretakers

new rules to live by


teachers that reprimanded her 
for not knowing "what she should know"

punishments that seemed unfair


bigger kids that weren't nice




We knew that any little slivers of her heart that were left ...


were solidly wrapped in concrete.


She was determined not to let anyone see them ...


not to let anyone rip them apart and trample them again.

Then ... 


she came home ...




2008


After we brought her home . . . her heart kept getting ripped apart by her biological brother, whom we had also adopted.  Can you imagine her little heart screaming, "Why don't they protect me?" Rip.   Yet ... we couldn't hear the silent screams . . . we had absolutely no idea that our Little Miss was being abused right in our own home.  Our 3 newly adopted children had a very dark secret, and they weren't about to share it with their new family . . . no matter how very painful it was.


2009


More rips came when her adopted daddy moved to the island to pastor a church.  She must have felt crushed by the "loss of another parent".  "Where is he?  Will he ever come home?"  Rip.


More rips came when her biological (also adopted by us) brother had to move away.  Thankful that he was gone . . . yet surely some guilt feelings, as well.  And, then, the hauntingly unspeakable question, "When will they give me away?"  "How bad will I need to be before they find a new family for me?"  Rip. Rip.


The 6 month move to the island.  So many transitions.  "Where do we live?"  "Will we ever see our friends again?"  "Will we make friends on the island?"  Rip. Rip. Rip.


The investigation by Child Protective Services, because of disrupting her brother's adoption (where she was questioned about our parenting).  "Why are they asking me?"  "Do they believe me?"  "If I say something wrong will they send me away like they did my brother?"  Rip.


2010


More rips came as the older kids moved out . . . and away . . .  "Where have all of my brothers and sisters gone?"  "Will they ever come home?"  Rrriiiipppppp ...


April - Moving back to the old house and leaving Papa on the island.  Our old friends had all disappeared. "Will Papa ever come home?"  "Will we ever be together as a family again?"  Rip. Rip.


December - Papa finally moved home from the island (after 16 long months) . . . but things weren't the same.  Papa and Mama were in trouble.  They never spoke of it to the children, but something was obviously different at home.  "Where was the laughter?  Where was the fun family time?"  Rip. Rip. Rip.


2011


January - Changing churches.  Leaving the only church she'd known since living here. "Why?"  "Will I make new friends at my new church?"  Rip.


February - "Adopted Big Kid" Vicky moved in.  She was nice.  She did school with the children.  She took them fun places.  But, it wasn't the same.  Suddenly there was another "parent" figure in the home.  We went from 1 parent (mom) . . . to 3 parents (mom, dad, Vicky).  "I'm confused.  Who's really in charge here?"  Rip. Rip. Rip.


March - Jeremiah & Ashleigh moved to Texas.


April - Carissa moved home from Argentina.


May - Kati moved home from Texas for the summer.


June - Josh moved home from college until his wedding.


July - Lindsey moved home from Colorado for the summer.


(now ... 6 adults living at home ... life is whirling all around Little Miss ... seemingly out of control)


We had 2 family weddings in July (and a total of 4 weddings in 14 months).


August ... over the course of about 2 weeks ...


Kati moved to Texas.


Vicky moved to Texas.


Carissa moved to Minnesota.


Lindsey moved to Colorado


"Where did all of the Big Kids go again?"  Rip. Rip. Rip.


September - Papa lost his job and was home full-time again.  "Who's in charge here?"  "Who is homeschooling us?" "What are the expectations of me?" Rip. Rip. Rip.




We have KNOWN that all of these things have been happening.  


We UNDERSTAND that life has been HARD for all of us the past 4 years.  


But . . . we cannot possibly understand how PAINFUL it has been for our precious daughter ... the one who came to us with her heart already ripped to shreds.

Please Lord Jesus ... 

 ... calm the Storms. 

 ... bring Healing to Our Little Miss. 

 ... show us how to help YOU Repair the Damage.


 ... forgive us for anything we have unintentionally done
to RIP Little Miss' heart into more and more pieces.


My heart truly breaks . . . for her broken heart.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

When we brought our 3 new children home from Ghana in March 2008, 

we had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what the next 4 years would hold.  

We were HAPPY.  

Life was GOOD.

Jim and I were "living our dream" ...

running a school for homeschoolers.

(I was the Program Director . . .

Jim was the Lead Teacher . . .

we had 185 Students . . .

and 20 Staff . . .)

We were both working full time,

making more money than we'd ever had.

We had lots of FRIENDS.

We had a GREAT church.

We had an awesome SUPPORT network.

We had 5 Bio. Kids still at home,

and 5 Bio. Kids grown & gone.

We REALLY believed that we were bringing these children home

to a GOOD LIFE . . . a VERY GOOD LIFE.

Never in our worst nightmares could we have imagined all

that could go wrong in 4 short years.  

Never.


In.


Our.


Worst.

Nightmares.

We have LOST nearly EVERYTHING in 4 short years . . .

. . .  jobs.

. . .  finances.

. . .  friends.

. . .  church.

. . .  support.

Yes.

My heart BREAKS . . . for my precious daughter's Broken Heart.

I am PRAYING that the LORD will bring HEALING

to each and every one of us.

Come.  Lord.  Jesus.

One of you left a comment with this verse . . .

Philippians 3:8
What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

I absolutely agree ... and KNOW this.  I really didn't want this post to come across as to what "I" have lost . . . but to show the losses that have ripped my precious daughter's heart apart . . . again and again and again.

As the author of the book points out (in the above excerpt) it won't do any good to quote verses such as this to my wounded daughter . . . because she has not SEEN the goodness of God . . . she does not have the TRUST in the LORD that I have had for 35 years . . . and she does not have the TRUST in her adoptive Mama or Papa, either.

I point out the losses that our family has walked through in the past 4 years, only to show how absolutely devastating those losses have been for Little Miss.  The rest of us have "held on" . . . we will "bounce back" . . . but that is not the case for a young one who came to us with only a few pieces left of her shattered heart.

Thank you for your scripture verses.  I do appreciate them.  And, thank you for your continued prayers.  They are holding us all up, as we await the glorious day that the LORD chooses to Calm Our Storms.