I've Lost My Sheep

I am the mother of 12 children.

I love each and every one of them more than words can express.

I know that some of them love me.

I know that I have GOOD relationships with many of my children.

Yet ... the pain and the grief that I walk through DAILY, over the shattered relationships with some of my older children . . . is nearly unbearable.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?   Luke 15:4

Yes.  


I would give anything to "find" my lost sheep.


They are not lost, though.

They don't need their mother to find them.

They are adults.

I always encouraged them to follow their dreams and passions.

Yet . . . somehow ... I always expected I would be involved
in their lives as they followed those dreams.

I have really been struggling this week as I have read the blogs of so many young mamas of large families . . . dear and precious friends of mine.

I lived their lives . . . 20 years ago.

I had their same dreams for my family.

I said the same words that they say.

I raised my children as they are raising theirs.

Yet, some days I can't find a single word of encouragement for them.

I keep quiet.

I don't comment.

Because my heart is crying, 

"I pray that their families don't end up as ours has."

I don't even have any words of warning.

Because I have no idea where I went wrong.

I don't understand what happened.

Just a few very short years ago, 

I THOUGHT we WERE the DREAMED of 

BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

I thought all of my children would
grow up to be "Best Friends".


I thought I would talk to my adult children
every day or two.


I thought I would be involved in their lives,
even if they lived across the country.

I have no explanation.

I have no understanding.

I have no words of wisdom.

I truly believed that I had GOOD relationships

with my teens and young adults.

I really thought that they had had a good childhood.

I was excited about the good relationships

that I thought I had with my soon-to-be-daughters in laws.

I pray that these precious young blog mama's hearts 

aren't shattered as mine has been.

I pray that some day my children will choose 

to come home to their Mama.




I pray that the LORD will give me wisdom,
show me what I have done wrong,
show me what to do differently
with the young ones still at home.

After 27 years of motherhood . . .

I am lost without my sheep.

Hannah was HIT . . .

Please pray . . .

We just spent a few  hours in the local emergency room.

Our daughter-in-law, Hannah, was out running 

(on a country road) and got hit by a mini van.  

She was knocked out, and doesn't remember getting hit.

A Border Patrol agent "happened" to drive up right after she was hit

(and he called my son Josh, who got to the scene quickly).

A friend of our family "happened" to be the

EMT who rode in the ambulance with her.

So scary.

There are no broken bones.

Her CAT scan looked okay.

She has a concussion.

She had to get some stitches for a gash on the back of her head.

She has a lot of "road rash" (raw, scraped skin).

I'm sure she will be pretty bruised and sore for awhile,

but we are THANKFUL that the LORD protected her today.

Please pray for healing for Hannah,

and THANK the LORD for HIS protection.

Who am I ?

I used to be someone who rarely cried.

Now . . .  tears are just waiting to flow . . . all. the. time.

I used to be someone who thought I was strong.

Now . . . I am oh. so. weak.

I used to be confident.

Now . . .  I second-guess everything I say and do.

I used to think I had life pretty much under control.

Now . . .  I've lost control in every area.

I used to always ask others how I could pray for them.

(and I do still pray for others)

Now . . .  I ask everyone to pray for me.

I used to be a mother of a "Big Happy Family".

Now . . . I don't even know what to tell people about my family.

I used to be an inspirational writer and speaker.

Now . . . having failed in all of the areas that I used to speak about,

I don't feel as if I have anything left to share.

We are loving our new church.

I am meeting lots of ladies at Bible Study and Small Group.

But . . .  I am really struggling to know how to be friends,

when I no longer even know who I am,

when I'm certainly not going to really share 


the nitty gritty of my life with them.

I don't even know what to say when people ask about my family.

"Hi.

I'm Laurel.

Yes.

I'm married.

You haven't met my husband because he's been at work.

What does he do?

He might be moving away for a year to work.

I have 12 children.

What do my older kids do?

I don't really know . . .

I don't hear from them very often.

My adopted kids?

Yes.

I adopted 3.

We only have 2 left.

It's not going very well.

Have you heard of R.A.D.?"

No.

I don't actually say those things.

I just smile.

"Hi.  I'm Laurel."

"Yes.  These are all my kids."

At Bible Study they ask,

"How can we pray for you?"

I respond,

"I'm walking through a tough time.

We've had a tough year."

They nod assuringly . . .

as if they understand.

Seriously.

I feel like such a complete FAILURE,

that I have NOTHING to share about my life

with any of the women that I meet.

I'm not just going to DUMP the past 4 years of my life,

on someone I've just met.

But, at the same time, I have absolutely

no energy to be FAKE.

Nope.

Can't go there.

How about . . .

"Hi.

I'm Laurel.

I like to scrapbook."

Period.

That's it.

The only positive thing I can come up with.

End of story.

Noah Meets His Great-Grandpa

My 93 year old Daddy lives not too far from Gregg & Kayla;

so, when we went down for the family to meet Noah

we went and picked up Grampa and took him out to dinner.

My Daddy is nearly blind due to macular degeneration,

yet at 93 his mind is still sharp.

So, while he couldn't see Noah clearly,

he was so happy to be with Gregg and his new family.

Grampa was so excited to meet his first Great-Grandchild ...

something he never thought he would live to see.

(He was 41 when his first child was born,

and never thought he would live to even see grandchildren.)

We were BLESSED to have 4 Generations together!

Run, Sarah, Run

Sarah had her first Middle School Track Meet yesterday.

The coach would only let each student run in 1 event and do 1 field event.

So, Sarah was the last leg of the 4 x 100 Relay.

She also did the Long Jump.

(which I didn't get any pics of)

Sarah is hoping to run more at next week's meet,

possibly the 100m and 200m.

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Josiah and Elijah 

had their first 

Baseball Games,

of the season, last Saturday.

They were sooo . . . excited to be out on the field again!

Last year, Josiah was on a Red Team,

while Elijah was on a Green Team.

This year . . . they switched colors.

Here are just a few quick pics of the first games . . .

with MANY more to come in the next 6 weeks.

Play Ball, Elijah!

Josiah . . . ready to make a play.

Oops.  Elijah lost last year's Green Socks,

so we need to buy Josiah a pair of Green Socks,

and pass the Red Socks on to Elijah.

(It's always fun to shuffle the sports equipment and uniforms . . .

Josiah got Sarah's baseball pants from last year . . .

and who knows how many kids have worn these cleats.)

Called To Adopt . . . Or Not?

I get quite a few personal emails from blog readers (and I LOVE it!).  Some readers write to encourage me.  Some write to say how much of an encouragement my blog is for them.  Many write to share their hard stories, and to ask for prayer (and I LOVE to pray for you all).  And ... some write to ask questions.  

A few days ago, I got one of the "Here are a few questions for you ..." emails, and realized that there are probably more than a few readers with the same questions.  So, I thought I would answer this one publicly.  Here is a short excerpt  . . .

After reading your blog for so long, I am nervous about adopting because I've read so many of your sad and scary stories . . .  But my husband is really, really, (really!) wanting to adopt from Ghana. 

So what questions should I ask? Is my concern legitimate? Do ALL kids from Ghana come with attachment issues? Did you know that your kids had problems when you adopted them? Reading about your disruption really made me think twice about adoption. Can you help? 

This is definitely a TOUGH letter to answer.  These are GOOD, yet TOUGH, questions that are being asked . . . and I honestly don't have all of the answers.  

First of all, I am sad that the stories that I share on my blog may cause some families to choose not to pursue adoption.  

On the other hand, I am glad that the stories that I share on my blog may cause some families to choose not to pursue adoption.

How can I completely contradict myself like this?  

Because it's true.  

There are some in the adoption community that get very upset about my transparency.  They blame me for causing families not to adopt, and therefore causing orphans to "never have a forever family".  And, I don't take those accusations lightly.  I truly wish that our Adoption Story had a "happily ever after" ending . . . I wish that everyone who heard our story could get excited about bringing home an orphan. But, that is just not the story that we are living . . . and I cannot pretend that adoption is easy.

However, I blame the "Fairytale Blogs" (who choose not to share any of the tough stuff) for creating a Fairytale mindset about adoption:  "Love will heal all wounds.  All the child needs is a Forever Family."

So, while I am sad that this Mom is scared to adopt because of what she has read on my blog   . . .  at the same time, I am glad that my stories have caused her to ask the tough questions.  Make sense?

Any person pursuing adoption should be nervous.

Any person pursuing adoption should be asking the tough questions.

Any person pursuing adoption MUST realize that they have NO IDEA how an adoption can change their life and the life of their family (for the good . . . or for the bad).

Is My Concern Legitimate?

Absolutely.  While parenting some adopted children may be "easy", there are many, many stories just like ours (or much more difficult).  The reason that you don't read as many of these stories on blogs is because the mothers often stop blogging when things get out-of-control.  I have been in touch with many moms who cannot keep up the facade of "life is wonderful" after the adoption . . . or they are just too beat up and worn out to even think about blogging.

Do All Kids From Ghana Come With Attachment Issues?

Oh.My.No.  I would actually expect (though don't have any statistics) that orphans from Ghana (and Africa in general) have statistically LESS attachment issues than from some other areas of the world.  Why?  Because many of the children are fully loved and cared for by their birth families, but are given up due to extreme poverty.  Many of these babies have been carried on their Mamas backs (which creates bonding and attachment) until they arrive at the orphanage.  Sadly, our Little Miss experienced MUCH trauma during the years prior to her arrival at the orphanage.

Even our 2 adopted daughters . . . both from Ghana . . . both born in the same village . . . biologically related to each other . . . have completely DIFFERENT "stories" . . . completely different trauma experiences . . . and, therefore, completely different attachment issues.

Did You Know That Your Kids Had Problems When You Adopted Them?

We had no idea what we were walking into . . . the journey we were about to take with our adoption.  

We were told that the older brother (whom we had to find a new family for) was "wonderful, helpful, responsible, his little sister's provider and protector", etc ..  We were also told he was much younger than he actually was.  After we brought him home, we discovered a very different story . . . a very scary story . . . and a situation that had to be resolved by finding him a new family (which we are in touch with, and which has been a good thing for him).

We knew nothing of the trauma that our Little Miss had experienced.

We knew very little about Reactive Attachment Disorder (R.A.D.) and had never heard of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (O.D.D.)

Reading About Your Disruption Really Made Me Think Twice About Adoption.

I'm sorry . . . and I'm glad.

An Adoption Disruption is HARD on everyone.  It is not something to take lightly.  Yet, the possibility is something that many families, sadly, must consider.

Just as there are many reasons that a biological family must come to the decision to give their child up for adoption, so too there are many reasons that bring an adoptive family to the position of making that same decision.

Sometimes a child's medical needs are too great . . . too overwhelming.

Sometimes it is determined that it would be best if the adopted child did not have any younger siblings. (It is simply not safe to keep such a child in a home with younger siblings . . . due to physical or s*xual abuse situations.)

Sometimes the attachment disorder is so severe that after many years the adoptive parents have nothing left to give . . . and the adopted child has not an ounce of attachment to them.

Sometimes the family situation has changed (due to death or divorce) and the remaining adoptive parent cannot begin to deal with all of the special needs of the adopted child.

Now . . . sometimes these situations arise and the family is able to get help for their child in a Residential Treatment Center, rather than finding a new family for them.  (In our situation, we felt it was far better for our son, to find him a new family than to have him placed in an RTC.  Every situation is different, with different needs for both the child and the family.)  There are Residential Treatment Centers that are focused solely on Adopted Children with Attachment Issues.  I know a couple of families who have moved their children to a Residential Treatment Center.

Yet . . . while Adoption Disruption is HARD, I must share with you that I personally know a couple of families who have adopted children that were previously adopted by other families, and the new adoption is a BLESSING for both the child and the new family.  There are some WONDERFUL stories of successful adoptions after disruptions.  It truly can be the very BEST option for everyone.  I absolutely believe that sometimes an Adoption Disruption is God's will . . . God's best . . . even though it is very, very painful for all involved.

Can You Help?

To sum it up . . . all I can really suggest is that you seek the LORD about this most life-changing decision.

We KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that the LORD called us to adopt our children . . . all 3 of them.  We have never wavered on the fact that we stepped out in FAITH . . . the LORD called us . . . the LORD provided for the adoptions in a miraculous way . . . and we brought all 3 children home from Ghana.

We believe that the Lord's ultimate plan was for our son to find his "forever family" with another family.  For whatever reason, they were not ready to go to Africa to find a new son; but they lovingly opened their home for J. when the time came for us to find him a new family.  We do not doubt God's sovereignty in this most difficult situation.

We believe that the Lord called us to be the family for Little Miss.  It is HARD.  It is NOT FUN.  But, we continue to seek HIS will . . . HIS guidance . . . HIS wisdom, as we walk this difficult journey.

If we had only adopted Sarah . . . our adoption story would be so very different.  We would be able to tell everyone how "easy" it is to adopt an "older child".  But, for whatever reason, the LORD chose to give us a more difficult story to tell.  And, we believe that He does want us to tell our story (and not to sugar-coat it).

Should you adopt?  

I believe the answer can ONLY be found as you seek the LORD for HIS will for your life and the life of your family.  When it is HIS will, than there is nothing to fear (even though you may be embarking on the most difficult journey of your life).

How Many Kids Can Fit On A Slide?

Memories of "The Good Ol' Days" are always FILLED 

with memories of Playing At The Park.

Summer 1998

We went to ...

... the red park.

... the duck park.

... the wading pool park.

Looking back at all of our Fun Family Photos recently has made me sad.  

Sad for our younger kids.  

Sad that the past few years have been filled with so much stress.  

Wishing that they could have had a carefree childhood like their older siblings did.

Knowing how much they need to be able to PLAY.

Praying that they don't grow up wishing they could have a do-over on childhood.

But ... THANKFUL that they have had 

4 AMAZING Cross-Country Road Trips 

(something their older siblings didn't have).

I am most certainly ready to PLAY at the PARK 

with my Young Ones this Spring and Summer.


Yes.

Those Were The Days ...

A Time To Run

Our kids have done a lot of RUNNING this week.  Today's post will focus on the Track Runners . . . not the Runaway Runner.  (Don't worry, she was only gone a very short time before she was picked up by a friend.)

On Wednesday, Hosanna (a Freshman) ran in the . . .

Junior Varsity NW Conference Championship Track Meet

(with 14 teams in all classifications)

ie: big schools and little schools

Hosanna running the 100m.  

I believe she got 2nd in her heat.

"J" handing off the baton to Hosanna in the 4 x 100 Relay.

Taken from across the field . . . from the far end of the stands . . . through the soccer goal.

Hosanna handing off the baton.

You can see in the previous picture, that the red team got the baton first.

The red team was on the inside lane around the corner.

However . . . the red team's runner isn't even in sight as Hosanna hands off.

Which means . . . Hosanna ran a FAST leg of her relay.  Woo Hoo!

Hosanna running the 200m.

This is the fastest heat of 5 heats that were run.

They are very evenly matched, with about 100m left to run.

Hosanna . . . 

still going strong . . . 

pulling out ahead of the other runners.

Hosanna crosses the finish line . . .

a split second behind the gal in red.

Hosanna placed 2nd in the 200m . . .

out of all 5 heats . . .

and about 35 runners.

Great Job, Hosanna!

On Friday, Ben (a Senior) ran in the . . .

NW Conference Championship Track Meet

(against 14 Varsity teams in all classifications)

Ben . . . running the 200m.

We've got some STIFF competition in the NW Conference.

Crossing the Finish Line.

Mentally Preparing . . .
 for his leg of the 4x400 Relay.

Ben takes the handoff,

and turns to RUN.

Ben's 4x100 Relay Team placed 2nd.

(sorry . . . no pics of that race)

Ben's 4x400 Relay Team also placed 2nd.

They are hoping to go to STATE with both Relay Teams.

(Their 4x400 took 1st in State last year.)

Run, Boys, Run!!!

Do any of YOU have Track Runners?

Do any of YOU have Runaway Runners?

Aaarrrrrgggggg ...

Jim missed the past 3 nights of work because he was sick.  So not good for the budget.  Ugh.

He went back to work tonight ... worked 2 hours ... and then was told he had to go home because he "didn't have a doctor's note".  What?!?!  He spoke with his foreman every day he was sick.  His foreman said not a word about needing a note to go back to work.

Of course ... now it is Friday night.  He is supposed to work the next 2 nights, but cannot return without a doctor's note ... and he didn't go to the doctor because we don't have insurance (and we don't usually go to the doctor for the flu or a bad cold).

Thankfully, Jim did actually go to our chiropractor today (who is technically a doctor).

Thankfully, we live in a small town and know our chiropractor personally.

Hopefully, our chiropractor isn't out of town for the weekend, and we will be able to get a note from him tomorrow morning.

So, tonight is Jim's 4th night off ... and if he can't get ahold of the doctor in the morning, he will miss 6 nights.  Soooo..... frustrating!!!

The whole job ends on Wednesday.  Why couldn't they just give him a warning or something?  


Aaarrrrrgggggg .......

Conflict Avoidance: The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

Obviously, I am not one that "avoids conflict" . . . or I would be avoiding this subject all together.  (smile)

If I were one that "avoids conflict" . . . I would write a Fairytale Blog about our "Big, Happy, Family", and avoid all discussion of the struggles that we face.

Now, it's not that I look for conflict . . . it's not that I enjoy conflict . . . it's certainly not that I seek out conflict.  Oh. My. No.

However, I do not run from any and all conflict.  I believe that God calls us to live our lives with open and honest communication.

"Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ ..."  Ephesians 4:15


"These are the things that you shall do: Speak the truth to one another; render in your gates judgments that are true and make for peace ..."  Zechariah 8:16



Now, I am not saying that it is right to say anything and everything that comes to mind.  There are certainly times that the Lord calls us to keep our mouths shut . . . to keep our opinions to ourselves.

Directly attacking someone through their blog . . . through Facebook . . . through gossip . . . is NOT what, I believe, God had in mind, even if what you say may be true.  But . . . that is a whole other conversation.

Ephesians 4:15 says, "speaking the truth in LOVE".

Zechariah 8:16 says, "make for PEACE".

God calls us to TRUTH . . . spoken in LOVE . . . with the goal to bring PEACE.

Oh my . . . just sitting down to write this has shown me that this conversation could go in MANY directions.  I could probably write 5 separate posts about this (and maybe I will).

Another day . . . I may write more about how inappropriate it is to attack someone's life choices through blog comments, even when you believe you are bringing truth.

Another day . . . I may write about how deadly Conflict Avoidance can be to a marriage, and how important it is to be honest and open (even when discussing the Tough Stuff).

Another day . . . I may write about how important Speaking the Truth in Love is to the Parent/Teen relationship.

Today ... however ... I want to go in a whole different direction.

When I sat down to write this post, I was only thinking of the Conflict Avoidance Option when parenting children with challenges.

We've had a couple of difficult days with Little Miss this week.  This morning was especially tough.

Whenever we have walked through a RAGE, I am left wondering . . .

"What just happened?"

"What could we have done differently?"

"What is BEST for Little Miss?"

This often leads my mind to the following debate with itself . . .

"We should just avoid conflict with Little Miss."

"If we stop asking her to do anything,

than we can avoid conflict."

"If we don't expect anything of her,

than we can avoid conflict."

"What would happen if we stopped expecting her

to participate in household chores?"

"What would happen if we stopped expecting her

to be kind and respectful, to say "Please" and "Thank you"?"

"What would happen if we just let her live her life as she chooses . . .

. . . go to bed when she chooses.

. . . do her schoolwork, or not.

. . . wear whatever she wants.

. . . eat whatever she wants.

Some adoptive parents have chosen that option (and I am in no way here to pass judgment on them . . . we each must come to our own parenting decisions for each of our families).

Some parents allow their children to be "in charge" of their households (by their actions and attitudes).

Some parents are just plain tired of the power struggles (which I can fully understand, thus my internal debates), so they give in and allow the child to be in control of every situation.

Some parents allow (and actually expect) their children to tear the house apart, excusing the behavior because the child is adopted.  (An adoptive couple told Jim and I before we brought our children home, "Your children will tear your house apart.  They will break everything in sight.  They will break all of your electronics, trash your furniture, destroy your carpets."  To them it was just an expected part of brining their children home.)

Some parents were horrified that during our 6 weeks in Ghana, we spent time teaching our new children (ages 6, 9, and 12 at the time) what some of the expectations would be once they came home . . .

. . . you need to knock on a closed bedroom or bathroom door.

. . . this is how to use silverware.

. . . you need to ask permission to do things.

. . . you need to use the bathroom in the house,

and not urinate in the neighbor's garden.

Don't get me wrong.  

We DO allow Little Miss to make a LOT of her own decision.  

She DOES choose her clothes for school each morning (with some guidelines).  

She DOES choose when and where to do her homework.  

She DOES choose how to spend her free time at home (with some guidelines).

But ...  

we also believe that it is NOT BEST for Little Miss 

to be fully in control of her little 10 year old life.  

We believe it is IMPORTANT for her to learn to be kind and respectful.  

We believe it is CRITICAL for her to learn to do chores.

We believe it is IMPERATIVE that she learn to follow directions.

If we allow Little Miss to be fully in charge of her life at age 10 . . . 

what will that look like at age 16 . . . 

or age 21 . . .

or 35 ???

At some point, Little Miss must realize that she is NOT, ultimately, in charge.

She will need to understand, one day, that the LORD must be in charge.

She will need to realize that her TEACHERS are in charge.

She will need to comprehend the fact that it is necessary

to follow an EMPLOYERS specific directions.

It would be so easy right now . . .

. . . to just give up on our expectations.

. . . to give Little Miss full control of her daily life.

. . . to do anything and everything with the goal

of Conflict Avoidance, at all costs.

But . . .

. . . we do not believe it is best for Little Miss.

(now or for her future)

. . . we do not believe it is best for the rest of the family.

(even though we are all so DONE with the conflicts)

No.

We do not believe the LORD has called us

to make parenting decisions based on what is "easy".

We believe that sometimes we must continue on the most difficult path,

of training up our children in the way they should go,

even though it is a very exhausting path to walk.

What do you think?

What is your parenting style?

Are you a Conflict Avoider?

What have been the benefits and/or the harm done,

by Conflict Avoidance in YOUR home?




If you have a challenging adopted child . . .
(w/ RAD, ODD, PTSD, FASD, etc ...)


. . .  how do you pick your battles?


. . .  when do you just let the child "be in charge"?

. . .  how do YOU find a balance?