How Can We Protect Our Families

Tomorrow . . . 

a friend of mine will be saying "Good-bye" to one of her teenagers.  

She won't be able to speak to him for 30 days.  

She probably won't see him for a few months.

No . . . he has not joined the Military.

("No Contact" is common at Boot Camp.)   

No . . . he is not going away on a Mission Trip to faraway lands.

Where is he going?

He is moving to a Residential Treatment Facility.

My heart aches for my friend and her husband.

My heart aches for the siblings still at home.

My heart aches to think of the judgment and condemnation

that may now fall upon this precious family.

My heart understands fully what a difficult decision has been made.

My heart understands fully why their child could no longer stay at home.

My heart grieves with theirs . . . as they say their "Good-byes".

I sit here tonight . . .

at 2:00 am . . . 

not welcoming 2013 . . .

but reliving the last 6 months that our Little Miss was home.

The anger.

The rages.

The refusal to do anything asked of her.

The threats . . .

against me . . .

against a sibling . . .

against herself.

Jim was working the graveyard shift at the refinery.

It was my responsibility to keep my family safe at night.

It was my job to walk through the house every night,

making sure no knives were left in the kitchen,

picking up any scissors that might still be in the school room,

and putting them all in the lockbox in my bedroom.

I shut the door to the boys' bedroom tight,

praying I would hear the creak if she went in during the night.

I left lights on strategically placed throughout the house,

in order that her dark skin could not hide in the darkness of night.

I left my bedroom door wide open,

in order to hear footsteps on the stairs or in the hallway.

And then . . .

I lay awake for hours . . .

listening . . .

praying . . .

desperate to find help for my Little Miss.

Little Miss moved to a Residential Care Facility in July.

It has been a good place for her.

We do not regret the decision at all.

While we all miss our Little Miss oh. so. very. much.,

we are all getting used to our "New Normal" . . .

. . . a home where knives stay in the kitchen drawers.

. . . a home where scissors can be used freely.

. . . a home where shouting rarely happens.

(I do still have 2 young boys, you know)

. . . a home where children are not afraid for their mother's protection.

. . . a home where we can all sleep peacefully at night.

Sadly, not everyone understands the decision we made.

Sadly, we have been judged harshly for making this decision.

Sadly, we have been seen as "adoption failures" for "sending Little Miss away",

rather than being seen as "successful adoptive parents" for doing all we can
to get her the help that she desperately needs.

After the school shooting in Connecticut,

there were many blog posts written about Mental Illness,

by mothers of adopted children who struggle with Mental Illness,

by mothers who were left thinking, 

"The shooter could have been my child."

I'd like to share a few excerpts from one such post:

"Soul Cancer / The Hands and Hearts behind the Guns"

You see, losing Papillion was hush, hush. The 10 hospitals, multiple suicide attempts, all of the pain, and scares, and scars, all of the visits, and hopes up, and then dashed were weathered alone.

When she finally disappeared from our home and community, there were no questions asked, no prayers of support, no phone calls...she just materialized into thin air...because well, we just don't talk about mental illness now do we?

It was the loneliest thing I have ever been through, with very little validation out side of other trauma parents...I get the “People don't know what to say.”....but even if they just saying THAT...”Linds I am so sorry I don't know what to say" would have been something...instead of avoiding me in the hallways at church, or changing direction when come face to face with me in the grocery aisle. Or completely stop being my friend...

Mental health is so isolating, but it is time in 2012, for it not to be...really.

If my daughter had had Cancer, broken both legs, even terrible asthma, we could talk about it, and everyone would nod their heads sympathetically, ask questions, offer prayers, help, love...

But when it is a cancer literally eating away at someones soul, future,emotional health...when it is a broken brain, when your child can't take a full, deep breath because trauma has stolen it, well, that is something put in a corner, whisper and generally not ever bring it up.....and I.want.to.know.WHY?

We felt this isolation, avoidance, judgement, and condemnation when 

we had to find a new home for Jacob in 2009.

(see: Adoption Disruption in the archives)

We felt this isolation, avoidance, judgement, and condemnation again

when we moved Little Miss to a Residential Care Facility last summer.

Oh how I am PRAYING that our friends don't face the same thing,

now that they, too, have had to make this most difficult parenting decision.

I am PRAYING that their close friends, extended family, and church family

will surround, support, pray for, and encourage them

as they try to find their "New Normal".

I am PRAYING for the siblings still at home,

that the Lord will give them peace and strength and encouragement,

and that their teen friends will come alongside with support, as well.

I am PRAYING for their son,

as he moves away from home for a time,

that the LORD would bring HEALING to his heart.

Today . . .

I am also praying for my Sweet Friend Lisa . . .

as their family is also trying to determine . . .

what to do with/for their "Little Miss" . . .

how to protect their family from her rages . . .

I am glad that I can support Lisa in whatever decision they make.

I am glad that I can support our other friends in this decision.

But, I pray that others can also come around each of these dear families.

Even if you don't understand such a decision,

I hope that you will be able to give GRACE to the families making these decisions.

If you have never had to lock up your knives and scissors . . .

if you have never had to video tape your child's rages . . .

(to protect yourself from false accusations)

if you have never had to comfort younger siblings who tremble in fear

when the older sibling rages . . .

if you have never had a child look you in the eye and say,

"Sometimes I want to kill you." . . .

you may not understand what we are up against when we say . . .

we don't know how else to protect our families . . .

and we don't know how to help our mentally unstable child.

Please pray for our friends tomorrow . . . as they say, "Good-bye" to their son.

Please pray for Lisa and her husband . . . as they determine what is best for "Dimples".

Please pray for any adoptive families that you know who are doing the very best they can,

to parent children who have been deeply hurt by trauma and/or mental illness.