Back in November, I wrote a post called, "Speak Up". I told you how surprised I was that having lost #40 in 4 1/2 months, only one friend had even mentioned that they had noticed I'd lost weight (besides a couple of friends who know that I am on a serious weight loss journey).
At #50 lost, now, I have given up on hoping anyone will notice or say anything. As I said in my earlier post, my weight loss journey is so not about what others will think/say, but about getting healthy and feeling better about myself. If it was about what others would say . . . I would have given up long ago. (smile)
Anyway, I am happy to report that in the past month two other friends have noticed. What I find very surprising is that both friends were guys. I would have thought that a man would be less likely to acknowledge a woman's weight loss, than my lady friends. But . . . I guess not. Being the analytically minded person that I am, I am still trying to figure out why my lady friends have said not a word. There is just no way that they have not noticed.
Last month, we stopped by some friends' house to drop off our annual Christmas Gift (Cherry Candy Cane Sweet Bread). I had only seen the husband once (very briefly) in the past 6 months. Mr. T. was cooking in the kitchen when we arrived. As I rounded the corner into the kitchen, I thought he was going to drop his spatula as he nearly shouted, "Laurel . . . when did you get skinny?!?!" Made My Day! Okay then . . . I guess it is noticeable.
Yesterday, Jim and I took Elijah out to lunch for an early Birthday Treat. Right before we got up to leave, an old friend walked in. We were in a church Small Group with he and his wife for 3 years, but I had only run into him briefly twice in the past 3 years. Jim's back was to him when he walked in. I thought that he had seen me as he glanced our way; but he didn't acknowledge us. I wondered if there was some uncomfortableness from 3 years ago (as he was the police officer that we first talked to to report the illegal and unmentionable situation with our adopted son). He went and sat down; and I told Jim that we should stop by his table to say, "Hello". When we stood up, and Jim turned towards Mr. Policeman's table, he smiled and said, "There's The D's." Okay. Not uncomfortable at all. Seriously . . . I believe that he looked straight at me and did not recognize me. Woo Hoo! We walked over to his table to chat for a minute. He looked right at me and said, "Laurel, you look good. . . . You look really good!" Yep. He noticed. (big smile) I thanked him, and shared with him that not many people had noticed my #50 loss. He was shocked.
So . . . guys are more comfortable mentioning my weight loss than my girlfriends? I find this very odd.
Mr. T. . . . is a 30-something "wild and crazy youth pastor", so his excited response didn't surprise me too much. Of course, if he noticed, he would say something. He's not one to shy away from any topics.
Mr. Policeman . . . is a late-50ish friend I hadn't seen in several years. I was actually quite shocked that he would speak up. So, I'm thinking that my weight loss must be quite noticeable. Right?
Yes. I do think it is comical.
But . . . my analytical mind really does want to know.
Please tell me . . .
"Why do you think that women are more uncomfortable
Speaking Up when a friend or acquaintance loses
a significant amount of weight
in a short amount of time,
than men are?"
Does this surprise you, too?
I don't know if my husband would say
anything to a female friend,
unless they were a very close friend,
which Mr. Policeman is not.
which Mr. Policeman is not.
Maybe women are just a bit envious.
ReplyDeleteI've thought of this . . . especially the friends that might also need to lose a little weight.
DeleteSo true -- men are often much more likely to comment. I am guessing this has a lot to do with complicated female relationships. We are constantly in competition with our female friends -- you know how they say that women dress for other women, not for men? Although I think all of this is often unconscious, it is sad that we can't be more supportive of each other.
ReplyDelete"complicated female relationship"
DeleteSo, I'm not the only one with complicated female relationships??? Whew! It can be exhausting sometimes.
Yes, very sad that we can't be more supportive of each other.
Thanks for sharing.
:) :) :)
I think woman are afraid if they say something, and you hadn't actually lost weight that you'd feel uncomfortable, at least in my experience. :( However as my weight has fluctuated I have noticed that more of my guy friends speak up more often about the weight loss :P I guess guys don't think about how awkward it may be if you hadn't of actually lost weight, they just speak their thoughts :)
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you have experienced that, too, with guy friends speaking up more.
DeleteI really appreciated Mr. Policeman just saying, "You look great." He didn't say anything about weight, but he clearly noticed.
:) :) :)
I personally tend to be totally oblivious for a very long time...so no help there...however, if I haven't seen the person for a long time, then I'm more likely to notice the change. If I see them frequently, the weight change is gradual so it just kind of happens and my brain doesn't actually process it unless I hear someone else mention it and then I'm like, Oh yeah, that person really did lose a lot of weight! :-) So maybe analyze whether the people see you frequently or rarely?? But there is something to the "Did You lose weight?" and being afraid that you totally misspoke if they say "no"....
ReplyDeleteThat's why I so appreciated Mr. Policeman's comment, "Laurel, you look great!" He never mentioned the weight. He didn't ask a question. But, clearly, he noticed.
Delete:) :) :)
It is possible that women are more sensitive than men and afraid to say something about weight loss, because of what the other person (the one who is losing weight) might think, for example, thinking "she lost weight! that's great... but I'm hesistant to tell that to her because if I do, then she would know that I think she was overweight before, and I don't want her to think that... and what if she puts on weight later on, then she will feel worse thinking that that I am comparing the appearance of her body now with her previous appearance... so I'd rather say nothing and just accept who she is"
ReplyDeleteAlso it is possible that some women would rather avoid this topic than to comment on a personal thing as weight loss as they wouldn't want to invite their bodies to be compared and scructinized as well. Perhaps if it was a guy losing weight, then they would be free to give encouragement, because their bodies cannot be compared.
With the media emphasis on women's bodies nowadays, some women shy away from this.
Just my two cents :) hope it gives some insight... I could be wrong though You look fabulous by the way :)
Great insights. Thanks.
DeleteHope you are doing well on your new life journey!
:) :) :)
Hm, interesting. My family started eating gluten free for my dad and little sister's sake over a year ago, and it ended up benefiting me as well. I wasn't very conscious of the weight I had loss, but I'd noticed just feeling better. After several months we were visiting relatives and my uncle just out right asked if I'd lost weight. It was slightly strange to hear because I had not set out to loose weight, but he said I looked great, and it was nice to hear. After that I started taking more note of the way my clothes were looking and feeling more baggy. It may be partly that many guys have less of the nervousness about "hurting someones feelings" or "saying the wrong thing." It may also be that women who need to loose weight themselves feel threatened by saying something. I also think that it's sometimes uncomfortable to mention something, because that implys that that person was "overweight" before.
ReplyDeleteI've heard that eating gluten free has helped a lot of people unintentionally lose weight. A big part of my diet is staying away from bread, pasta, etc... So, while not completely gluten free, it has played a part.
DeleteAlways good to hear from you, Elizabeth.
:) :) :)
I bet your friends are envious :-) They have to be if they are not "noticing!" Guys always notice and they aren't afraid to make a mistake. Women are afraid to say the wrong thing. Keep trucking. You are doing great.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement!
Delete:) :) :)
I find this whole scenario really weird! I ALWAYS acknowledge a woman's weight loss even if it looks like just a few pounds. I know what a self-esteem booster it is for me even if I'm not trying to lose weight. You are really having a Bizarro's World experience, Laurel!
ReplyDelete"Bizarro World Experience"
DeleteLOVE it!
It is WEIRD! Just. Plain. Weird.
:) :) :)
My daughter is always complimenting other women-- weight loss, clothing, jewelry, nails, etc. I think it is because she is always aware of others and very aware of how good compliments make others feel; I truly believe this is one of the gifts God has blessed her with and that she is obedient. I have tried to also be more aware of others and emulate this practice of complimenting others. I believe however that usually women are so preoccupied that they fail to tell each other positive things! Congratulations on your weight loss and I am amazed at your self discipline.
DeleteBa ha Vertical Mom... Bizarro World experience; indeed I agree! 50 lbs is a LOT of weight. I am so envious, lol, and so proud of Laurel at the same time.
Delete~Sheri
Ok... I have driven by your house so many times after reading your posts and thought "I have to stop by and congratulate Laurel on her progress"...but never seemed like it was the right time. I think that because I know you are working so hard and diligently I would definitely say something if I saw you. If I hadn't seen you in a long time, and didn't know you were working on it, I would probably still say something! I know some people are uncomfortable mentioning weight changes in others, but if I notice I try and compliment them tactfully! :)
ReplyDeleteStop by any time. I'd love to see you! Or . . . we should just make a coffee date. :)
DeleteI ran into a long time friend today, that I hadn't seen in a year or so. She noticed immediately and said, "Laurel, you look great. Beautiful!" This is a great way to approach it. I know what she's talking about. She is acknowledging that I look different. Then, it is up to me as to whether or not I am comfortable discussing my weight loss (which I did).
Coffee next week???
:) :) :)
I think "you look great!" is the perfect thing to say to someone who has lost a lot of weight -- sometimes there may be the discomfort that perhaps if you specifically mention the weight loss then you are calling attention to the fact that the person used to be heavier . . . I don't know if this is what is going on with the women you know. I think it is a shame though that your friends can't give you compliments when you have been working so hard at it! And if they read your blog at all they know it has been a real focus for you over time, and that you have been really determined and creative in meeting your goals. I lost probably 15-20 lbs (at the most) when we had a really hard season with our younger daughter. I joked that I was on the High Stress Diet -- but it wasn't really funny, everything tasted like sawdust and I was in a constant state of fear that just removed my appetite. I did have people noticing it but more in a "you're too skinny" negative way which didn't make me feel good either, I couldn't help what had happened. I did gain about 10 lbs back so now I'm maintaining about 10 lbs less where I started, which feels good to me. Good luck on your weight loss journey! I hope you never have to go on the High Stress Diet :) and that you continue your weight loss in the healthy way you have been doing.
ReplyDelete