The SAD Realities of R.A.D.

I don't talk a lot about RAD any more.  With Rachel now living at a Residential Care Facility, we are not dealing with the regular RAGES and such.  We are getting used to a quieter house, and less stress.  We are so thankful that the LORD provided a safe place for Rachel, a place for her to grow and heal without the daily pressure that she struggled with of Family Attachment.

Last Thursday, however, I seemed to come across blog after blog dealing with the Realities of RAD.  So, I thought I would share a few excerpts and links.


The Day My Son Tried To Blow Us Up . . . 
For The Second Time

Traumaversaries...are something parents, victims and therapists in the trauma world reference when talking about a day, season, or time of year where someone is more than usually triggered, acting out or even plagued with anxiety attacks or some other odd health phenomena. 

IT.IS.REAL.

.....and when I go back and read last years emails, last years messages...I see a pattern, you know, cuz a mini base ball bat that is stuck in a Furnace and breaks off spokes and makes the rotation go off can create a fire .... happening twice, on the same day, one year apart ... BOOOOM.

I went to my boy.
I promised him before we even had the talk....

*that I already knew and had forgiven him.
* that he would not get in trouble.
* that no one would spank him
* that no one would call the police
*that I still loved him
*that I was not getting rid of him
* that I was going to help him try harder to keep his boundaries
*that it really was going to be O.K.

I said these things while my chest squeezed and panic filled it, because I had a hard time believing my words.  Can I help him enough?  Is it really going to be OK?

I held his face. I helped him with words.
He shared some words that scared the ba-jebbers out of me, true, feeling words.
“I really wanted to blow everyone up, especially you Mamma,."  " How can you forgive me for that?” 

“Uh, O.K. Wow, those are some pretty big feelings, no matter what it is my job to love you and keep all of us safe.......and ect.”
He cried, tears came out of everywhere. I hugged him.
We both were snot dripping messes when it was all said and done.

He ended with...

“Mom I only sometimes want you dead. But then if your were dead, who would I ask to help me cuz you were dead? I know I told you I don't love you and maybe sometimes that is true, but sometimes it isn't.”

This is REALITY, people.  This is what MANY adoptive parents have to walk through on a daily basis.  This is NOT the typical little bio. kid who says, "Mommy, I don't like you."  No.  This is a child who SERIOUSLY wants to harm his mother . . . wants to blow up his house, with his family in it.  Oh how this took me back to almost exactly a year ago when Rachel looked me in the eye and coldly said, "Mom, sometimes I want to kill you."  It sends shivers up my spine, even now.

"No Words.  Well, Some Actually . . ."

I got on facebook this morning . . . And discovered . . . that one of the moms in the network of support groups for parents of RAD kids was murdered by her daughter some time in the last few days - her body was found yesterday.  

I'm betting, even now, that some of you are saying to yourself 'what is RAD?'.  See that is part of the problem.  We need an awareness campaign similar to the type of thing that has been going on in the Autism/Austpergers community.  People need to understand that  . . . there is not always a 'Happily Ever After' for many of these kids.  When children survive trauma at a very young age, it takes specialized help to get them to heal in a way that allows them to have a normal relationship with those who want to love them.  And unfortunately that help is #1 difficult to find, #2 challenging to implement, #3 expensive, and #4 often not covered by insurance or the medicaid that these children are 'covered' under.  Indeed, many counselors don't even know that specialized training is needed in order to be able to effectively help these children.  RAD . . . comes about when a child is traumatized early in their life, and, thus becomes impaired in their ability to form bonds with other people who might come into their life later, and want to love them.  It can also effect brain development in other, unexpected ways, depending one when the trauma happens and how severe it is.

The daily challenges are exhausting.   . . . 'Vigilant parenting' is such an understatement as to be completely laughable.  OF COURSE we have to be vigilant.  If even ONE instance of RAD behavior is let to slip by, it will multiply and grow exponentially.

One of the biggest frustrations we all face, though, is the judgement we get from those around us that don't understand RAD.  And let me stop right here and say - if you have done this, don't beat yourself up - everyone does, you are not alone.  Heck even >> I << did it to other parents of RAD kids, before we got our kiddos!

But our kids' behaviors often come across as sweet and cute to those who don't know them well, or, even, sometimes to those who DO know them pretty well, but don't understand their 'issues'.  And our responses, as parents, to those 'sweet and cute' behaviors will often come across as somewhat harsh.  It's so tiring to know that people whom I care about sometimes judge me to be part of the problem because I am being 'too harsh' with them.  It's a TOUGH style of parenting, and not our first choice of ways to have to treat them, but there are indications that it WORKS, we have SEEN it help in our own kids' lives, so we DO it because we want what is best for our kid.  Please don't judge us.  

It's also TIRING.  And often people don't understand just HOW tiring it is, because when they (KINDly) take our kids for us for short periods of time, the kids are angelic!  "What could possibly be so hard about parenting these wonderful children?"  But the kids save their 'behaviors' for when other people are not around.

The human spirit is incredibly deeply programmed for survival.  And when the psyche is injured at a young age, it becomes VERY defensive by nature and VERY capable of manipulating and playing the situation to it's best advantage. These kids are PROFESSIONALS at this process.  They are generally very sweet in public and to those who they do not see on a daily basis.  They save their 'behaviors' for those who are trying to get the closest to them, because, deep down inside, they know that we hold the most power to hurt them again.  So they work VERY hard at making SURE we can not get close enough to have that power.  

Please, if you know a parent of a RAD child, don't judge them.  Support them.  You may not understand them, you may think that things are 'odd' - but don't judge them.   Please.  Pray for them, and help them, if you can.  And if you really want to make a difference, educate yourself, (www.attachment.org is a good place to start) and help get the word out, so that others will become aware of this challenging 'disorder' and perhaps we can work some change into the 'system' and actually get these kids, and the families that are trying to help them, some HELP . .. .  before any more members of the support groups are found stabbed to death in their own beds.

My only thoughts . . . "I could have been that mom."  Sobering.

And . . . also found on Thursday (but written in 2006) . . .

"Ten Ways to Support a RAD Mom."

Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD is one of those things other people don’t really notice. The reactive part is usually seen and felt the most by the primary caregiver–or the mom in most cases. What a RAD Mom needs the most is support from others in ways you may have never thought of.

I hope you will pop over to this post and read the 10 Ways that YOU can Support a Family that deals with the Realities of RAD on a daily basis.

While we may not be dealing with daily or weekly RAGES, we are certainly not removed from the pain of having a daughter who suffers from serious mental health issues.  (She was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, in addition to Reactive Attachment Disorder.)  We speak with her on the phone.  We receive reports from the facility director and on-site social worker.  We think of her often.  We pray for her.  We hope to be able to visit her this spring.  (The facility director did not feel she was ready for a visit during her first 6 months there.)  We hope with all of our hearts that the Lord will bring healing.  We await the day that she can come home.